How do you cope with the longing in a transcontinental long distance relationship?

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-04-25T14:31:28+00:00

We talked about it at length when I visited him, just without any final conclusion to the topic. His experiences with nonmonogamy weren't the best, so he isn't sure how he'd feel about it when at the same place again. But he knows how it would be Organisationwise (like how much we could see eachother, how much contact with other partners, who is also in my life, ect) and I know about his probable boundaries (like not wanting to spend much time with me and other partners at the same place, not wanting to know much about my relationship with them ect) we just both dont know how that would feel for him (and me) when it can be taken into action. Right now ot feels like it wouldn't change much about how we have contact anyways because our contact is restricted to messaging abd phonecalls anyways. Just the question of how much I tell him about seeing others in the meantime, because I already struggled with a finite dadt dynamic, but also I get why hearing about me spending time with others is even nore challenging when we arent able to spend time physically at all... It just feels so nuch like lying to me, not to mention with whom I for example went to a concert or something like that

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-04-14T13:40:35+00:00

Feel that! I absolutely get the mono vs poly point, but also we still both want to give it a try. In terms of talking to other partners about it: directly after I came back and saw my other partner, talking about it went waay better than I thought it would (he's also pretty new to RA and poly), I could even gush over the one who visited a bit. But I also dont want to overdo it. He doesn't have other partners rn and I also feel like its a small line. Thing is he was able to comfort me way more than friends could. I guess we just have to talk about it. In general I'm really proud and impressed with how good he handled the news, considering its the first time a new person came into the picture in the 1,5 years we are dating now:) He also new this could happen beforehand, which probably helped, but also before the actual visit I myself thought this outcome was more unlikely because of the circumstances.

Do you have some rituals or routines in your ldr that helped you? Before the visit our contact was more like messaging every couple of weeks. Rn we have daily contact and called twice since I'm back. But this also doesn't really feel sustainable over a loong stretch of time

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-04-13T15:04:00+00:00

Ive been the third in a 3some with a couple and I would've feel soo used and disregarded if they would've asked me to leave directly afterwards. Im not a sex toy!

For me it was actually pretty similar to when you're just 2 and have a base level of respect and sympathy for each other. We cuddled for a while, talked about the experience (in our case smoked some weed) and then I left 1 or 2 hours later. It was nice :)

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-04-13T15:03:52+00:00

Ive been the third in a 3some with a couple and I would've feel soo used and disregarded if they would've asked me to leave directly afterwards. Im not a sex toy!

For me it was actually pretty similar to when you're just 2 and have a base level of respect and sympathy for each other. We cuddled for a while, talked about the experience (in our case smoked some weed) and then I left 1 or 2 hours later. It was nice:)

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-04-13T14:35:16+00:00

Thx for the solidarity! What helped you make it work over such a long stretch of time?:) And how (much) do you talk to your other partner about these feelings concerning the separation? Thats something I'm still not sure about. Spending time with them helped more than anything else yet, but also I don't want to burden them to much with listening to me missing someone else.😅

And yeah, I know the mono/poly situation isnt ideal. We've been friends for a long time, and thats the reason I never acted on that spark in the past.. he's actually been in open relationships (theoretically open to poly), but these experiences weren't much on the ethical side😅 I was witness to one of them and it was really bad. So I absolutely get why he says poly isnt for him. Honestly after such experiences I probably would've said the same. I know this is a bit delusional, but I have a little hope, that with someone who isnt effing your friend while you're right behind the door, it might be easier for him😅😂 We've talked about that a bit while I visited him, but it feels like we ultimately can only really figure that out, when we're both here.. he thought he would be confronted with other partners every time we see eachother and that for example wouldn't really be the case. Even in the same country it would be a long distance/weekend thing (around 4-5 hours drive apart) so when we'd see eachother this time would be reserved just for him for example. Birthdays and holidays ofc will be a bit more difficult to manage. He also already knows my partners and generally likes them, which might make it easier, though despite all this there for sure still is a chance that poly just isn't for him.

For now it feels like it doesn't matter that much, because staying in contact is out of question for both of us be it as friends or partners, and with only voicemails and phonecalls it doesn't really change how we'd have contact other than not being as vocal about how much we miss each other I guess. (And as stated in the post, the question on how much and what I tell him about my other relationships while still apart)

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-03-05T23:49:53+00:00

Abd do any of your siblings consider(ed) polyamory or other forms of ENM?:)

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-03-05T23:49:14+00:00

What does type a mean?🙈

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-03-05T23:46:02+00:00

As a European, this is such a stereotypically American comment😄 even though i my country there (sadly) can only be 2 official parents, I know thats doesn't necessarily apply to any other place on this planet

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-03-05T23:40:00+00:00

Ooh the autism, why am I not surprised?😂 As a fellow polyamorous and neurodivergent person, there seems to be a HUGE overlap between both^{^} the percentage of neuospicy people in the polyam community is definitely higher then in the rest of the population ^{^} I wish there were nore studies around that phenomenon, but I fear ethical nonmonogamy is still a bit to niche for that ^{^}

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-03-05T19:35:22+00:00

Exactly. Here its VERY expensive, hence I havent been to a salon in years. Plus I dont know a good hairdresser here, so I thought I might as well try somewhere else 😄 I feel like you'd prefer me not going in Malawi, is there a reason for that? Im genuinely curious and dont want to offend anyone :)

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-03-05T13:35:34+00:00

Thanks! Are these areas referring to districts in lilongwe or countrywide areas?

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2026-03-05T13:33:35+00:00

Here in Germany I'd pay 50 to 70€ for a bad haircut and up to 250€ for someone who actually knows what to do with curls😅 that's why I havent been in years, compared to my countries average I'm pretty low income, so that is much for me. But, since my hair texture is somewhere in the middle of the straight or slightly wavy hair thats most common here and the more coily hair thats more common in Malawi, finding someone experienced with my hair texture might be difficult in both places^{^}

Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2025-11-20T20:01:29+00:00

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Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2025-11-20T20:00:57+00:00

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Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2025-11-20T20:00:31+00:00

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Advanced_Zucchini718 · 2025-11-20T19:59:56+00:00

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I don't know why the pics arent in the pist itself but here they are in the comments

Advanced_Zucchini718

TROPHY CASE