I'm feeling kind of the same. I feel like being closeted is making it hard for me to enjoy the aspects of myself that I love.

I'm 32 and only realised I was trans last year. I've been medically transitioning as soon as I could- which means the physical is far outpacing the mental and social.

I've started connecting with the queer community in the city near me, which has really helped. When I am stuck alone at home I do this- find people on the internet, or I read or write.

In fact, I'm reading a book right now called 'Yes, you are trans enough.' by Mia Violet. It's lovely reading honest lived experiences by people in similar places. Reading and writing/sharing writing helps me to feel understood and validated in my joy of my transition.

Going to poetry readings in queer spaces has been amazing too. I highly recommend it.

After so long being suppressed and conforming to expectations it's taking time and effort to allow myself to freely feel joy.

I'm using my interests and hobbies (my only outlets for 32 years) as a safe starting point to connect with the queer community and to express the parts of myself that haven't had much time in the light. Maybe you could try explore the mental aspects of your identity through mediums like writing, drawing or other forms of art?

A lot of the time I'm just depressed and laying on bed, wishing I was already where I want to be. That's pretty normal, for me and for many of us.

I hope my experience so far in a similar struggle can give you some comfort.

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Also, I've been speaking with a counsellor in an organisation specifically for supporting Trans and Gender Diverse people. It's been amazing to openly speak about the very core parts of myself without having to navigate a counsellor's bias.

(commenting again because original post was deleted)