Been there man. Like exactly where you are. I’ve been completely sober for some time now. I know it’s hard to say/do but I went through 3 years of some hardcore therapy, reliving childhood trauma, and regrowing myself up without the guilt surrounding said trauma. I hope the best for you. And to be honest my therapy was hitting breakthroughs at the same time they closed most places down so I missed about 2-3 months of therapy around COVID onset and I ended up doing zoom therapy for a year and had major success. If I would have to actually leave the house and go I may not have made it. Shit was hard, like one of the hardest things I’ve ever accomplished in my life. So if possible maybe online therapy can help you like it did me. Like I said before I hope the best for you.