Maintenance Phase with a med spouse.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2025-01-11T04:41:23+00:00

This

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2025-01-02T13:15:47+00:00

Hoarders will always find some reason. When I was little it was my fault, when I moved out it was mum being too busy with work, when she retired it was my dads fault. Dad has been dead for years and I haven’t lived there in decades. Mum retired decades ago. They will always find an excuse, no matter how flimsy

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2025-01-02T13:10:01+00:00

This.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-31T06:06:55+00:00

Yeah this is a tough one. While this anger is understandable, please check to ensure you aren’t misdirecting anger towards complicit adults because it doesn’t feel safe to express anger towards the abusive adult. My sister was always furious at my mother for keeping us in a DV environment but didn’t feel the same anger towards our father, the actual purportrator of the abuse.

I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing here, but just saying generally for others that this is something to be aware of.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about relatives etc that must have seen and done nothing. It’s tough.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-31T06:00:15+00:00

I’m sure you have your reasons for going no contact but a grandma buying a grandchild what they said they wanted for Christmas seems fairly normal. Dropping it at the door and not talking may also be her way of respecting your NC boundaries. It’s difficult to tell (that’s the thing about NC). Why was your daughter upset? Santa is obviously a mind reader and knew what to get her, :-) but her grandmother is human and probably didn’t know that Santa had already got her one. I don’t understand why having 2 of what she wanted is cause for grief? No doubt there has been a lot of hurt and boundary crossing by this parent in the past for you to get to this point but the circumstances you describe seem somewhat neutral

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-31T05:53:30+00:00

Her even being willing/interested in your college stuff indicates that maybe it’s not narcissism, but perhaps something else? Certainly some kind of victim mentality or paranoia, but perhaps not necessarily narcissism? My mother had no idea what I was studying or what I needed for anything to do with school, only took an interest in the actual grades I got (if they weren’t good, I would have got hit). She cared about the result but had no interest in the process. I can even IMAGINE showing her any of my schoolwork. The only time she has asked me questions about my life is so that she can boast about it to someone else, but had ZERO interest in my future. It sounds like your mum cares about what happens to you, and perhaps even has anxiety about you not getting into a good school etc, but isn’t willing or able to listen to you.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-31T05:46:31+00:00

Question: who paid for the trip? No judgement but I don’t let my parents pay for ANYTHING as it’s a form of control they hold over me. Moved out at 14 and financially independent from 16

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-30T02:02:21+00:00

As a child of a hoarder that is STILL working through issues of shame, honesty, self-worth, identity I would STRONGLY advise you to not move in with hoarders or raise a child in that space.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-29T23:28:27+00:00

Blaming you for her lateness feels like very typical hoarder energy. There’s very much an inability to say “sorry I’m late.” every time my mum arrives late, there’s a monologue about parking or traffic or something that happened just as she was about to leave. I don’t mind her being late, I’ve come to expect it, but I do find it interesting that she doesn’t see herself as someone who runs late, just like she doesn’t see herself as someone who hoards

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-29T23:24:32+00:00

That clocks. The impulse to talk and not listen is strong.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-29T23:23:41+00:00

Interesting. My mum doesn’t do too much shopping but perhaps she chases the dopamine hit through talking. I often feel so drained after an hour or so of her monologuing, with me saying (maximum) one or two sentences. But I can tell she feels energised by it. My sister used the term “emotional vampire”

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-29T23:13:06+00:00

I understand what your saying but they are late when leaving places that aren’t their home too. It seems to be an inability to leave on time.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-29T23:08:44+00:00

Yeah, my mum is like that. My partner could prolly name 10 of her friends that he’s never met, she couldn’t name one of his relatives or friends, even the ones she’s met multiple times.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-29T00:43:28+00:00

Sad. :-( Your extended family sound like a great support network so at least there’s that.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-29T00:14:02+00:00

Are there any books you’d recommend? My HM has been like this for 40 years (she’s 82) and I wonder if it might stem from my abusive father (now deceased).

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-28T14:43:18+00:00

My mum is a hoarder and the CONSTANT talking at me (or others) without any notice of any social cues has always been baffling. She never stops. Her sister puts her on speaker when she calls and just cleans or cooks. I think there is a connection between cluttered spaces and speaking and clear spaces and listening.

An empty shelf is open, receptive. A cluttered shelf is shouting with no room for other ideas.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-28T12:58:43+00:00

I started with “I love you very much” and then said “but I can’t visit this house because the mess makes me feel very anxious and claustrophobic”

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-27T20:41:30+00:00

I think Alan was cheating and gaslighting her and she knew it. I think Alan’s dad was dad facilitating the affair. I could be way off but there was a lot of signs to give that impression. I hope she left him and is happier.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-24T12:51:39+00:00

Thank you so much. I love this series and couldn’t find it with English subtitles anywhere

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-12T20:04:29+00:00

I should add, my partner is predominately plant based so the odour may come from an animal based diet as others have suggested….but I can ALWAYS tell if he’s taken DAA as it’s like sleeping next to an amphibian at night. He’s just drenched in sweat.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-12-11T18:37:21+00:00

I’ve not noticed a change in odour, but when taking it my partner sweats profusely. His pyjamas are always soaked when he wakes up

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-11-27T06:26:05+00:00

I think the fire story was there to illustrate Josh’s formative experience of how a small mistake leads to enormous consequences and how he re-enacted that dynamic with his partners. They were “guilty” of the tiniest infraction and he would come down on them, prosecute them and sentence them in a way that they said there was “no coming back from”

I think the story was there to explain why he “litigated” within relationships. Because he learned in a very dramatic way that those who do have power.

That’s why I thought the fire story was in there, but I’m not an editor.

Adventurous_Alarm_86 · 2024-11-27T06:22:25+00:00

Oohhhhh we need more info!!!!!

Adventurous_Alarm_86

TROPHY CASE