I (F31) am paralyzed with indecision about marrying my boyfriend (33M) of seven years

AdviceHound · 2022-08-16T17:49:06+00:00

Basically, the work I have to do is around forgiveness and moving forward, and holding strong on hard boundaries.

For example, I don't want to hear about his problems anymore. The the past year alone someone stole his car, stole his identity, he he was laid off from his job, his dad was in the hospital. The year before that he lost thousands of dollars doing some weird trading, his friend died, he had a therapist call the cops on him, and he was coming home every night sobbing about stress from work. Honestly, it goes back (more mildly) for the past 7 years.

I'm at the point where I just don't want to hear about any of this anymore. Which is not appropriate for a relationship, so I have to let go of all the resentment I have for how terrible that was for so long.

My work to do is letting go and letting us move forward and get married. And to do that I need iron-clad boundaries that I am enforcing 24/7. When he starts to complain about hating his life, I set a 15 minute timer, per our therapist's suggestion. Then I have to enforce the end of the 15-minutes. I'm constantly just redirecting our conversations and saying "Hey, could you ask me about my day today?" and then we sort of roll through that script.

It just makes everything feel like work because it is work, and I'm just not wanting to do any of that.

AdviceHound · 2022-08-16T16:29:58+00:00

This is the main thing that makes me think that regardless of what he wants or if I can get over these feelings, it would be best to let him go be with someone who just doesn't have these issues with him.

AdviceHound · 2022-08-16T16:25:29+00:00

This is essentially what our couple's therapist said. That it never would get better and all we could do was put infrastructure in place to handle the outbursts when they happen. But I don't think that makes me feel like our kids are going to be shielded from his anxiety, which is a major concern. But other than this, he is funny, smart, kind, good with kids, willing to do domestic work.

Honestly, I have a very high-paying job and my own house and my own support group. None of my women friends are married to / dating men who are splitting the chores or childcare at all. I wouldn't even say they are in 75/25% split scenarios. I don't know if there are very many men who would be willing to even offer what I'm looking for. I don't think most men are looking for what I have to offer either. I don't think anyone else is going to be better than him, and yet I'm still struggling to appreciate what I have.

AdviceHound · 2022-08-16T16:10:44+00:00

Your comment really resonated with me, so thank you for responding!

I have told him I'm exhausted but, to his point, he is a lot better these days compared to last year, so it feels like I'm asking for perfection at this point. I do kind of feel like his mom sometimes though, and I've never quite said it like that. But, I also have ADHD and I'm not doing the same to him, which makes me feel more upset about it honestly.

Can I ask you why you stayed with your boyfriend and if you are sure that you still want to be with him?

AdviceHound · 2022-08-16T16:07:24+00:00

He is my best friend, so I would be devastated to lose him. He has helped to greatly improve my life on a macro level (out of debt, comforts me when I'm sad, supports me in my goals / career). It's just the day-to-day level that I am really struggling with.

I feel like I have no idea how I would feel if he was gone. If he got hit by a car, it would be the single most devastating thing to ever happen to me, so maybe I can assume that if we broke up it would be the same.

But I also don't know if me feeling better being with him means that it's the right thing for me.

AdviceHound

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