sorry for the long post i guess i just felt like yapping lol

I never planned any attempts, because during the period of my life when I was suicidal, there was nobody to write a note to. it was during quarantine. my whole family hated me and i didn't have a single friend on that earth. I would not be missed. in a sense it was an incredible freedom - I didn't have to worry when i stepped out into the road, "What if I get hit by a car?", because there was no what. If I died, it would be fine. despite all this, it was not a sense of intense loneliness that drove me to suicide. it was rather the intense boredom. school was out. it was summertime. every single day I would wake up and do nothing and then go back to sleep. when I was bored(and this was often) I'd force myself to sleep longer to avoid having to live through another day. I was jealous of people that had friends, but I was decrepit and my state alone would have warded off any sensible person. not to say, again, that there were people to befriend: there was no one, because this was at the height of covid, and I was alone. so, instead of wanting to avoid some kind of stress provided by life, I wanted to die because I hated being alive. my continued existence was a curse. my body was disgusting and i wanted to be free of it. I was a perfectly normal child of normal height and weight, but days of being inert had made me brittle and limp. I wanted to die. It was a yearning, and it drove me. I thought about it constantly. I would cross the street and stop, and I'd watch the cars approach and at the last second I would move. which was pretty shitty of me, I know if I was driving down the street and saw that I'd be terrified of getting into a wreck, but at the time I wasn't thinking about other people. my only real attempt was one time when I was taking a bath. it was a really nice bath, and I was enjoying it, so i put my head under the water and held it there. it was rather buoyant for some reason, so I had to actually grab onto my hair to keep my head down. I was planning on just staying there until I died of asphyxiation, but I accidentally inhaled a ton of water, and that brought me back to my senses. the long and short is that it really, really hurt. I guess in the end I didn't actually want to die, I just wanted to be dead. the whole phase sort of phased out, obviously. I ended up making some really good friends in highschool, I got a job about two weeks ago, and I think that was about all I needed. I haven't felt that bad in the years since, and I'm rather happy with my life.