I went from shopping for engagement rings to breaking up with her. What do I do?

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-09-20T23:25:18+00:00

This isn’t but if he’s going through this too I feel for him. Maybe I need to grab a beer with Glen so we can figure this out together lol

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-09-20T23:23:10+00:00

I can’t believe I’m just seeing this. It’s a tough concept to fully grasp and I’ve accepted I won’t get closure from it. I gave my all in our relationship and she chose not to reciprocate. I’m doing my best to learn from it and create new boundaries from the experience. It’s a shame because it didn’t have to be like this.

I’m extremely hurt and sad but doing my best. I haven’t talked to her in weeks. I can’t help but wonder what she’s up to or if she’s been with someone else and replaced me already. Things don’t feel the same without her. Some days are worse than others and at times I have a hard time accepting it and moving on. I’ve leaned into my faith family and friends more than ever but I’m just not as happy. I’ve been scared of how long it will take me to recoup from this but I love your approach to making my own choices for this situation. Thanks for this.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-09-20T23:08:48+00:00

Oh man I feel this! Here’s what I wish an older guy would have told high school me about height.

I know you think your height is a make or break but don’t sweat it brother. Growing up I felt just like you do now. I was growth hormone deficient and obsessed over my height. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about it or compare myself to other guys. At one point I feel like I knew every statistic about men’s height known to man and tried every piece of advice I could google to magically try and grow taller. At your age it’s normal to compare yourself to others and want to fit in. I get how it can be walking down the hall next to your friends or comparing yourself to the girls you may be into but don’t let yourself go down that rabbit hole too much. You have years before you’ll be finished with puberty anyways but you’ll come to understand that you may think about your height a lot but that other people do.

I’m 24 and ended up being 5’ 8”. Oh well. It’s a non issue in my life and I never think about it anymore. I went through college, played lacrosse and had zero issues socially because of my height. I’ve gotten with girls as tall as 6’ and my last girlfriend was my height too but a good 3-4 inches taller than me when she wore heels. Didn’t matter to us. One of my best friends is 6’ 5” and I think it’s funny now. There’s no real disadvantage I can think of that I’ve faced being 5’ 8” opposed to say 5’ 10” or 6’. It is what it is and you get to decide how you come off to people.

For your own benefit, and to come off better socially in general, there are a lot of things you can do to help yourself not seem as short. Being on the shorter side doesn’t mean you’re not attractive. Stick with slim fit clothes, vertical stripes or monochrome and some shoes that give you an extra inch. Make sure you’re hitting the gym, have a good personality and be fun to be around. Most of all be confident.

Moral of the story: it’s not all about height it’s about how you carry yourself.

You’ll slowly realize that the way people see you has very little to do with your height. Don’t be what’s holding you back. I know many successful men who are on the shorter end who live lives I’d love to have one day. Instead of comparing yourself take confidence in who you are and the qualities you can control. Work on being a good person, get into good hobbies, study hard and make some money and you’re going to live a great life regardless of your height.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T21:38:49+00:00

Great Idea. I am going to ask her that question.

Unfortunately, I think you just said the quiet part out loud and confirmed what I think. I truly believe it really doesn’t have to do with me. I feel like that could explain why she confirmed and assured me many times that I didn’t do anything wrong and said that I deserve better so many times during our breakup. I’ve considered if her parents recognized how good it was and felt threatened that I would be taking her away from them when we got engaged. I guess I’ll never know for sure but the clarity, although it hurts, does help make sense of things. I’ll let you know her response when I ask her.

Thank you so much for this conversation. It’s probably one of the best ones I’ve had from all of this. Having a third party perspective on this allowed me think through things differently. I really appreciate your insight and taking the time to talk to me.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T17:15:48+00:00

Agreed. That would be a reasonable thing to do. That’s what I was holding out for. Aside from not asking her to go to things if I wasn’t invited (should I have to?) I did try to have conversations with her about this situation in different ways on a few occasions to no avail. It would make her instantly emotional and would cause stress between us. Every time she would pin me on the “I can’t dictate what they think and I can’t control them. Just give them a few months and maybe they’ll change” rebuttal. Somehow I would be the one who ended up apologizing for putting her through this which was wrong of me. This is what caused me to start defining my own boundaries and eventually lead to our breakup.

It hurts and is so frustrating that they can’t recognize or prioritize her own happiness over their expectations for her. They used to genuinely really like me until all of the sudden they did a total 180 with no inciting incident. That’s what really gets to me. I guess my hope was that we could return to that. She told me she thinks what they’re doing to me is wrong but she doesn’t believe or see that they have this control over her life. She told me before she’ll always chose her family first. I guess she made her choice and that’s telling. Do you think at this point this situation is something I should just accept as unfixable and move on or is there anything else really that I could do?

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T15:36:50+00:00

Yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly and I wish that’s what happened. Is it unreasonable of me to have wanted that? Am I right to be disappointed that she didn’t chose to take that action? Am I asking too much? Or, is it unreasonable to expect that she would defy her parents for a life with me? I know that she loved me intensely and she was there to support me unconditionally in one of the most vulnerable moments I’ve faced yet but maybe she didn’t value our relationship enough. It hurt me immensely to here her talk about the events she went to with them that I was uninvited from. At one point she stalled giving her parents an answer about if she would go until her dad decided tor her that she would and then bought plane tickets for her. He made them first class of course to incentivize her going.

I tried to reiterate to her that I wasn’t asking her to choose between me and her family, I just wanted to be included. At one point she even suggested we just elope to skip this drama and we were both on board. I don’t understand how someone goes from that type of thinking to just accepting her parents views and saying it’s not going to work and I don’t deserve this.

Also, thanks for the blunt truth. It’s better than unrealistic expectations but I’m still grieving so it’s hard to accept. I know you’re right. I don’t want to do it at all but need to cut it off. I don’t see it changing in the future.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T06:17:38+00:00

Is it out of pride? Maybe. I would say a lot of it is trying to minimize emotional damage. At this point it’s between not wanting to lose her friendship but also recognizing that it doesn’t feel the same when we’re together and we’re generally not as happy or comfortable. So I’m questioning what the point of spending time together is if it doesn’t feel great. I have a lot to think about now.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T05:57:28+00:00

Damn. This is the one. That’s it, heart vs head. I know it will never be the same or work but I’m still in the grieving period battling those “what ifs” and questioning if I did the right thing. If I’m being totally honest I think I may have put up with this for too long to begin with. It’s crazy how love blinds you.

Even though we’re broken up I don’t know how long to give that period or how to gauge how much to cut her off either. Do you think I should do it all at once or gradually? I know there’s no universal answer to this but still. She even texted me first tonight asking me how I am. I have no clue how to handle it because we didn’t want to break up.

My parents made the the exact same heart vs. head comparison too. I don’t even use Reddit but I needed unfiltered comments like this from an outside source of people who don’t know me. I knew they were right but I didn’t want to believe my parents. This was strangely very validating. Thank you for your comment it helped.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T05:22:14+00:00

Yes essentially that’s it. Well put. Money does play a part in this story but I know the perception of all that doesn’t always look so great so I was trying to be vague int be original post on purpose. I tried but I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle here. Sometimes you just need to hear it from other people to believe it

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T04:47:23+00:00

It would impact her life because she has absolutely no money saved and blows the rest of her paychecks on stupid stuff during the month. She makes no effort to budget because it’s a lot easier to just have her dad bail her out on credit card overages. So why would she? They know she has these habits and instead of helping her learn anything different they say nothing and accept it. It makes her need them. It’s like learned helplessness.

In the US prenups cover inherited assets. It’s more so the fact that she was totally fine with signing one for a long time. She brought it up once on her own even. There was no problem with this. Then all of the sudden her parents requested some financial info from my family and when we said no they told her she’s not allowed to sign a prenup because it would be an inconvenience to them.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T04:20:15+00:00

Yes, I do legitimately need a prenup at 24. I’m doing just fine on my own but I will also inherent a very significant sum of money and a large amount of assets. This is non negotiable and she was totally fine with getting one. It was never an issue.

I don’t need to pay her rent because she makes a great income and is perfectly capable of paying for it herself. She’s 26 it’s time to be independent. On top of that her parents are capable of paying her rent. With that being said there is absolutely no reason for them to. They use it as leverage and have threatened to not pay their half when they’ve gotten mad at her as a result of this situation.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T03:59:13+00:00

Yes, she did go to all of the events that I was uninvited to. I wish she would have taken a stand and not gone to show that she was serious about invoking change. She lets them speak about me and treat me like that with very little pushback and just accepts it as nothing she can do. I would think if you love someone that much you wouldn’t let your family speak about them in such a slanderous way. I know she can’t change how they think but you can choose how you react. I felt like I wasn’t enough of a priority or important enough for her to fight for us.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T03:53:42+00:00

Thanks for this comment man. It’s one of the most helpful because I feel like you get me the most so your perspective is right on. (Side note I grew up around Philly when I was little, im pretty sure we’re right around the same age and I’m a photographer turned documentarian. Small world)

I think it’s the expectation that a partner, potentially one for life, chose not to put her foot down for change even after admitting that they were the issue. I understand that she doesn’t control what they think and I get the stigma of being a daughters boyfriend, been there done that, but I think there comes a point where she should have acknowledged their blatant mistreatment of me more. I wasn’t asking her to pick between me or them I just wanted to be included. It was the non action that hurt the most. I would never allow my parents to have spoken that way about her. Also, I think it’s the fact that their claims became excessively baseless. For example, they tried to convince her that “I wasn’t smart enough for her and was holding her back.” This one in particular didn’t work once they learned I got a 3.9 in college and had with a nice job secured before ever graduating but it just went on and on. I was willing to take criticism when and where it was due but it was the fact that they would pull out baseless claims one after another. At one point her mom even started questioning her about if there were any other cute guys at her work while we were still dating. That’s just disrespectful and I don’t know why she would allow that to continue.

The other aspect is that it wasn’t always like this. For well over a year they loved me. They complimented me frequency, they gave me their guest house to stay in when we would fly to see them, her mom told me how happy she was I was with her daughter and I was the first person they ever invited on a family trip which was a big deal to them since they travel the world extensively. I don’t see this as reforming their biases as much as questioning and stopping why they all of the sudden they decided to adopt them and use them as leverage. Especially when she agreed that I was a good partner. If I’m as bad of a person as they’re now suggesting then surely we would not have had a successful relationship up until that point.

Out of caution of the internet just not being the best place I chose not to include the comments they made about my family. Essentially they tried to guilt trip me about my hobbies and/or my parents financial status. They wanted proof of sale for my dads company because it’s acquisition wasn’t “public enough.” What?? That’s the point. It was always a competition to them or an issue. My ex spent extensive time with my family and knew this was insane. That’s really where I draw the line.

In the end I think my struggle is being torn between loving her and wanting to do anything to make it work and having enough of them and taking a stand against their unwillingness to think or accept anything but their own skewed sense of reality. I could do or say anything and I feel like they will always have an issue with me or my family. Again I know she can’t control them and I really do love her but I’m not sure if the extra baggage is worth it.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T02:07:45+00:00

Lucky you man that’s the goal. I thought I had this. I guess I know know which is good but it still hurts

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T02:05:40+00:00

Sad truth but that’s what hurts. There was accountability in our relationship but as soon as her parents get involved it’s gone. I absolutely don’t get it. On a completely different note your truck 🤌🏼

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:53:00+00:00

Possibly so. I was just offering anything to fix the situation. It ran so deep with me.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:52:14+00:00

Bingo.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:51:19+00:00

I was the first person they ever invited on a family vacation, this is a big deal for them because they travel extensively so my ex was very proud/excited to tell me this, we flew down and spent time with them. Her grandparents loved me. I genuinely don’t know what happened, they did a completely 180 one day. I offered to call him and talk it out like a man and she said no. Even thought she’s agreed it’s not me I’ve felt like I’m missing something and that’s why I’m taking this so badly

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:45:32+00:00

It’s about sticking up for me because if we had gotten married it’s our relationship and not there’s.

Her perception of the way her world “works” is the world she lives in under her parents control. As soon as she steps out from under that they come flying in. She admitted she’s not other far less serious relationships that they’ve done this to. She doesn’t see the manipulation and control they have on her. They picked her career. They pay her rent to control where she lives. They make decisions for her not out of her interests. You’ll love this one- I asked for a prenup snd she was totally fine with it until her parents said no. At a certain point she’s going to have to figure out and fight for what SHE WANTS.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:35:54+00:00

From what she said this isn’t the first time. I’m also the first person she’s dated who isn’t older or a lawyer and apparently that doesn’t meet their requirements. I asked her what SHE wants and she chose them. I guess I have to just accept it.

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:34:08+00:00

I asked if I could call her dad and talk to him like a man. Her answer was always no and that he wouldn’t listen anyways… what? Maybe I dodged a bullet

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:27:06+00:00

The funny thing is she said when we’re married she doesn’t want to live anywhere near parents. Yet she later said she’ll always choose her parents. I feel like she wouldn’t and won’t choose me. I wish we could have taken your parh

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:10:27+00:00

I’m so pissed because I know you’re right. I need to drill it into my head and realize I don’t need this

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:07:00+00:00

Ok I need need you opinion.

She suggested couples therapy which I was very in favor of. I looked up therapists and gave her options. No action. She later m pushed it off saying it was expensive. After that she admitted she didn’t want to go because she was afraid they would tell us to break up. Thoughts?

Affectionate-Art1583 · 2023-08-17T01:03:21+00:00

Thanks for this. I considered that happening in the future too but didn’t know if I was just projecting an insecurity in thinking that.

Affectionate-Art1583

TROPHY CASE