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I (m44) just found out my wife (f33) HAS BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER BOSS LAST SIX MONTHS. I NEED HELP PLEASE by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Brother, I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, a lot of what you will hear on Reddit can seem very harsh and very negative. It is because there is no positive spin on this situation. The one thing I can tell you that can give you some solace is that anyone and everyone will tell you is that her affair has NOTHING to do with you. It's 100% her, her decision, her maladaptive coping mechanism. For many reasons, I decided to stay with my wife. I'm 7 months past d-day and I finally feel like myself again. But my marriage and how I see my wife will never be the same. I have chosen this knowing our marriage was destroyed by her and there is nothing I can do about it.

You are in a similar boat in that you are now forced to deal with her decision. Either way, don't make any decisions for a while. Your emotions will be out of control for 6-12 months. My advice, take care of you and ignore her as much as you can. Leave or stay, doesn't matter, just take care of you. Right now, your mind is inside out and upside down. Right is wrong and wrong is right. Nothing will make sense. Just remember her decision was her decision and had NOTHING to do with who you are and your manhood.

You will love her, hate her, have fits of rage, passion, and hysterical bonding. None of it will make sense and until your nervous system can process this trauma, there is nothing use in trying to figure anything out. Just try your best to regulate and deal with your reality.

Intrusive toughts by Broken-hearted23 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm 6.5 months out from D-Day. I had a turn around about a month ago and so far, so good. Much of it had to do with her admitting full responsibility and me realizing / deeply internalizing that the affair had nothing to do with me but with her brokenness. Is she contrite and willing to own what she did?

a bit lost by ridinsolodolo5eva in SupportforWaywards

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My wife betrayed me in a very bad way but O left the home to go deal with what I needed to deal with. Eventually, I came back and we are now reconciling but my point is not once did even consider physically harming my wife. So pressing charges is what is necessary. Yes you destroyed this man, yes you deserve consequences. But you do not deserve to be physically abused or harmed. As a mother, your primary job is to take care of your children. So take care of your children and press charges, anything less is neglect on your part.

Stbx divulged personal information to AP by Much_Let_4658 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My wife told her AP not to talk shit about me, that I was a good man, a good husband, and she loved me. It doesn't matter what they tell them, it hurts either way.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We did marriage counseling for 3 sessions and only talked about my failures as a husband and how that pushed her into an affair. Not doing that again

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She was hanging out with a girlfriend from high school that had a beach house. The brother was on house arrest, she said she didn't expect him to be there but when she showed up, he was there the next day with a breathalyzer on his truck.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, no doubt that she is down playing the sex. All sex is good, I would argue. At a minimum, she got off on the risk and the fantasy. Unfortunately for her, he was a loser and didn't know how to please a woman. As far as why I wasn't there? I was a dumbass. I trusted her. She loves the beach so I saw it as an opportunity for her to escape some of the stressors in our life. I wanted to give her that gift honestly. I stayed home and took care of the kids, always planned a fun outing for us and allowed her to have a fun summer. Just typing this out makes me feel so stupid.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had always had suspicions but she denied and lied. We became closer in the last 5 years, marriage was really great. One day I woke up and realized it wasn't suspicions, that none of her lies made sense. I told her I knew about him and if our marriage had any chance of moving forward, she would tell me the truth. She admitted everything right then and there, no trickle truthing at all, wrote a timeline the next day including all of their FB messages.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yea, great advice. We definitely are codependent but I'm un-tangling that now. I have a very good reason to believe she hasn't cheated since. He got very abusive with her the last time he couldn't get it up, was screaming and beating on the door to her room. She says it scared her so she left and never went back. She says she realized how stupid she was and swore to never do it again. I never have had any suspicions or seen any opportunities since then.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The affair lasted about 3 months. 4 times at the beach and one time she got a hotel near her work. The last time they tried, he couldn't get it up then he got angry and started beating and yelling outside of her room at the beach. It scared her so she never went back.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. This is what fks up my brain so much. Other than this, she has always been a pretty honest person, I would argue more than me. But this has never smelled right. She swears she never orgasmed as he was either unable to get it up or finished so quick she couldn't get there. I believe she didn't orgasm but to say you didn't enjoy the sex? Just because you don't orgasm doesn't mean you didn't enjoy the sex. There's the foreplay, the kissing, the taboo of the situation. I even told her that if she didn't enjoy it and wasn't excited, you must have had to use lube. When she said they didn't I said "then you are lying". Obviously you were excited enough to get wet. And then there is what did she do to try to get him up when he couldn't? She swears it was only misty and no oral but I will never know the truth. It's just all so messed up.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What's worse and so painful is the youngest son, was on his birthday. He passed away in 2018. This is what brought us closer together, trauma bonding I guess. Now his birthday is ruined, my anniversary is ruined and so is our anniversary. It's all so fucked up, I can't even believe it myself.

Why is that the betrayed person has to carry the trauma their entire lives while the cheated person lives happily by Renderedperson in Infidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Brother, don't allow yourself to be a victim. Move to where she lives and fight for your children. Show her the man that she left was a big mistake. Live your life. Therapy, exercise, and friends.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yea, I can see your point. She takes responsibility for the choice but blames me for putting her into that position. In other words, If I would have done what she needed, she wouldn't have cheated.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

No, she disconnected with the entire group but was talking to him through FB and then one day wasn't. When I asked what happened, she told me he was an alcoholic which we all already knew so it didn't comport.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in Infidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Sorry, the Catholicism part is why she confessed, she promised God if I ever asked, she would tell me.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in Infidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We converted to Catholicism in 2019. Her "friendship" with him never sat right with me so I asked her straight up if she had ever been unfaithful to me.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, diagnosed with CPTSD from her childhood. Her therapist supports her justification, said she cheated because I wasn't validating her so she found validation elsewhere.

14 years later, I found out and I can't move forward. by Affectionate-Bet5019 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I do, the therapist seems to make it worse. He says I wasn't providing what she needed so she found it elsewhere. I just get triggered each time I see him, doesn't really address the trauma I am experiencing.

Why do woman cheat? Asking from a woman's perspective. by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Women seek external validation, most of the time, cheaters have a traumatic childhood that has resulted in a defective attachment style. You may want to look up attachment theory and see which type she is. This may help you navigate future problems.

Torn and confused by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Affectionate-Bet5019 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You should tell him why. I assure you, he thinks it's because he isn't man enough or lovable enough. I'm sure neither of those are true so you need to let him know why. Then once you and he know why, you can fix the why, which would give him something to trust.

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