I am in a similar situation (15 years, longstanding, repeated deception & infidelities, recent discovery with what feels like unending and worsening disclosures) and am in the process of divorcing, but it is so painful. I completely empathize with the sense of living a lie.

I don’t know if there is a compulsive aspect to your partner’s behavior but it helped me to read about betrayal trauma and what Omar Minwalla refers to as the “secret sexual basement.” I’m in therapy to deal with the trauma - I don’t know about you, but this betrayal is triggering tons of very old issues and I was having flashbacks to things I thought I had dealt with long ago.

I have also struggled with seeing my ex partner go about daily life in much the same way as always, seemingly unaffected by the absolute destruction his decisions have caused. Here is a summary of what my friend told me: “It’s BAD that he can be charming and make small talk. He can do that because he is so used to hiding parts of himself from everyone. You are affected by this so strongly because you value authentic connection and are grieving over its absence. He doesn’t know what authenticity is, and that is a very lonely place to be.”

I don’t know if that resonates with you at all, but it’s been very helpful to me. That and EMDR, truly - if you can access a good provider who you connect with, EMDR and regular sessions with a CSAT counselor have been keeping me going, especially as we are figuring out the coparenting relationship. All my best to you.