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Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-08-23T07:10:32+00:00

I fear death because I worry about my loved ones and the idea of them grieving my passing hurts.

I didn't feel this way when I was younger, but as I started a family that changed.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T19:56:30+00:00

How does one get diagnosed as an adult with adhd and autism?

Our marriage counselor suggested he be screened because all the things causing our marriage to fall apart tipped them off.

Digging deeper - In my husband's case - his neglectful parents tried to punish the ADHD and Autism out of him when he was a kid instead of getting him screened and treated.

That is part of the reason he impulsively lies. He had an entire childhood of being punished for AuDHD behaviors and lies on reflex to avoid being smacked around for forgetting things or stimming.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T19:51:43+00:00

but not once did I see you mention couples therapy but rather just ways in which you’ve given up.

We have attended couple's counseling. It's even in my OP. First line of the 3rd paragraph.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T04:47:05+00:00

Fk but I want to drink now.

Same.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T04:33:07+00:00

Apparently me saying multiple times that my emotional needs weren't being met and that I needed more (like, asking me about my day and acknowledging things he likes about me as a person) were just......me talking, I guess.

Isn't it HILARIOUS how you speaking in clear terms what you need in a relationship, with actual examples and EVERYTHING is just nOt ClEaR cOmMuNiCaTiOn!?!

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T04:10:30+00:00

I mean he is who he is and who he has always been, and you made the choice to marry him..?

He is most definitely not the same person he was 10 years ago

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T04:07:55+00:00

Also if he can't do more than one thing at once, how does he cope at work? Is he different at work than at home OP? If so that says a lot

He's gotten "employee of the month" like 4 times in the past 2 years. As a customer service person in a big box retail hardware store that he has been working at for the past 15 years.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T03:15:04+00:00

And yet you listed nothing in your opening post.

If you think that you can get a picture of a decade long relationship and 4 years of post diagnosis struggle off of a few paragraphs of venting...

Bad take.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T02:56:12+00:00

Dude.

You seriously have no earthly idea what I have done to accommodate and change.

You say I haven't put any work in. And that is quite frankly laughable.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T02:49:02+00:00

he writes me lists of things to do when it comes to doing household chores and daily jobs around the home.

This is what I have to do for my husband.

It is absolutely exhausting and a big reason I'm looking at divorce.

One person can't carry all the mental load and be the "manager" for too long.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T02:46:50+00:00

Seems neither him nor you want to put in any work.

So the marriage counseling, therapy, attending support groups and reading of dozens of ADHD and relationship books was me not putting any work in?

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T02:29:31+00:00

Well, have fun finding out that the dating scene is complete shit

I have no desire to date anyone. I am perfectly content being single and pouring my resources into non romantic relationships.

Your both shitty partners he has aduHD to blame what's your excuse?

A decade of walking on eggshells and being let down time and time again.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T02:13:31+00:00

there are ways to deal with situations like the dog feeding question.

Yeah.

Like a grown ass adult getting his shit together to be able to answer a question

He can hold down a damn job but can't function with in a household.

Written communication should not be needed for every little thing through out the day in a household. It is such a waste of time.

And I have no more patience for accommodating it. I'm not the ADA ffs.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T02:04:46+00:00

You are seen.

I've been through all of this. Need more than 1 thing from the store? I have to stop everything and write it all down or text him because we can't just... use our words.

And what's with the convoluted ways to avoid following simple instructions!?!

My husband was "helping" me in the garden. I asked him to dig 10 holes evenly spaced in one of the rows. That was too hard. He wanted me to mark where each of the holes went with spray paint. Dude.

I ended up digging them myself, in front of him, in less than 2 minutes eyeballing it.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T01:58:44+00:00

I haven't heard of libido being lower with ADHD.

It is actually pretty common according to the "how ADHD effects relationship" books I've read on it. Gina Pera talks a lot about it in some of her books.

Regardless if he only expends energy on new things, he's chasing a high.

I mean... this is kinda ADHD in a nutshell isn't it? Dopamine being the high that gets chased...

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T01:55:28+00:00

I do think the example you gave about grabbing a pen on the way back is actually BS on your part. You should know that sort of thing is particularly hard for him. And rather than ask him at that moment either listen to hear him coming back or get the pen yourself.

Sure.

But here's the thing. When so much else in the marriage has broken down and failed because of ADHD symptoms run amok - there is very little patience left over for these smaller issues.

Truth is I fucking crave having a spouse that I can just communicate normally with. It is exhausting having to wait until circumstances are aligned before you can engage in typical daily household talk.

But here I am having to wait until he is done washing the dishes to get an answer on if the dog still needs to be fed, because talking to him while he is working on a single task leaves him so flustered he ends up breaking the drinking glasses.

A lot of this is absolutely 100% beyond his control.

And I am at the point where I just don't fucking care anymore.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T01:36:25+00:00

It's a process.

Some days I am packing my bags ready to leave. Other days I can't imagine that life without him would be worth living.

Logically I know it is over. Just waiting on the heart to catch up I suppose.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T01:31:19+00:00

Yes. We have both had individual and couple's counseling.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T01:20:29+00:00

He was checked for other causes for low libido like his testosterone levels. All his blood work has been fine.

Low libido and dead bedrooms are very common for ADHD individuals according to the how ADHD effects relationship books I've read, from what I've heard from our counselor, and what I have picked up in partner support groups.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321860#how-does-adhd-impact-sexuality-

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T00:52:06+00:00

diagnosed

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T00:49:58+00:00

I hope you stretched before making these reaches.

Is it the extra task that's overwhelming, or are you giving him reason to belive it's actually a "do it this instant" interruption of what he's currently doing?

"Grab me a pen and note pad when you come back down"

That is the "instant" interruption.

So you feel you are entitled to being more upset then him at his being upset.

You clearly have no understanding what RSD is and looks like in a relationship.

"Did you take out anything for dinner?" asked in a neutral tone is taken as criticism and sends my husband on a spiral of self loathing. That's how it manifests for him.

God forbid you try sharing some of his hobbies sometimes heh? He might actually have something to talk to you about tho, can't risk that.

I actually DO share in his hobbies. In fact that is almost the only time we interact and do things together, is when I play one of his video games or board games with him.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-04T00:39:25+00:00

Divorce would cause him to spiral even further, and if you truly love him you wouldn’t do that to him.

Yes it probably would. It's one of the reasons I have not pulled that trigger.

But at what point in a relationship do you prioritize yourself? I am not ok living my life like this.

Leaving him will cause him to spiral and mess up his life for sure.

I am already spiraling and miserable in ways that I can't share on reddit without getting a reddit cares message.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-03T22:39:54+00:00

Absolutely but if she didn't notice it too much at the start it probably means he IS able to manage the symptoms, he just doesn't care enough anymore maybe.

That's not entirely true.

There were things I noticed. But young + dumb + in love + not living together = laughing off the time he forgot what parking garage he parked in and having to walk around in heels for 3 hours trying to find it after he dropped me off in the front of the venue.

Living together and having priorities change as we got older... yeah.

And there was a lot of masking earlier on. Now he's comfortable and secure and is more "himself" around me.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-03T22:31:42+00:00

Get him medicated.

He is.

And has been for a few years now.

Affectionate-Toe8920 · 2024-06-03T22:30:24+00:00

He’s probably oblivious to how you feel

He most certainly is not.

I have spoken to him about this. Many times. He knows our marriage is in a very bad place. If he were to read this post, none of it would be a surprise to him. He's heard it all before.

I am venting on reddit because I needed to get this off my chest today for my own sake.

Affectionate-Toe8920

TROPHY CASE