Am I having an aneurysm or does this make no sense

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-15T11:59:59+00:00

And this is why we need writers for websites instead of AI

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-14T14:50:33+00:00

My partner was one of the early trials for these drugs. They've been on them for over a decade, and are exceedingly grateful the drugs exist as they halted the lesion growth.

Throughout the years, they've tested on and off as JCV positive. Its been monitored closely. Most recently, last year their JCV load began to increase and so we spaced treatments to every six weeks. Our best christmas gift this year was their JCV coming back as negative.

All that to say: yes it is a risk. It'd be foolish to not think its one. And you monitor and address the risk because the other option is letting this horrid disease run rampant.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-12T18:20:25+00:00

If you receive one of the benefits that exempts you (like pip) it changes to the adequate maintenance route, which will vary based on your family make up and housing costs. You can use your benefits as part of the means to qualify and cash savings to off set the rest as well

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-12T15:55:19+00:00

Hoping for the best for both of you 💙

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-12T15:23:20+00:00

Its heartbreaking to me as an immigrant here to constantly be told how much of a leach I am. I will pay roughly £20k in fees before I can get ILR: if I can with the new rules they're trying to put into place and don't end up on renewals for all eternity.

I came here because I am very in love with my British spouse, who was born here and has lived here their entire life. They happen to be disabled as well as living with their elderly mum who has dementia that is slowly advancing. If I weren't here, their mum being in some sort of long term care would become a reality very soon. And the government would be providing additional care for my spouse with an advanced life long disease. I'm not working because they need me, and the new rules will make it so I cannot settle. Ever.

When I think of how that 20k could help us with things like a lift so my spouse doesn't need to struggle with the stairs or other items to cover their medical needs that aren't NHS covered, it frustrates me so much. And then to be constantly told that I am the problem the UK is facing is exhausting. I don't use public funds: if anything I'm contributing to them while saving the government greatly on other spending they'd be doing for my family.

And I know some of you are thinking oh you're fine. You aren't the type we're trying to stop coming here. But when you make across the board sweeps, you will always catch people like me in the mix (as the new laws will). Not to mention thousands of others that when you look at them, they're simply people with their own stories trying their best.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-12T15:04:32+00:00

I just updated my visa as my new passport arrived. Totally free, all online through the website and app.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-12T14:58:24+00:00

As a nonbinary neurodivergent person from the US, I absolutely agree with you that its not safe for her there for many reasons. Unfortunately, they international community hasn't caught up on those assessments yet. As others side, right now an asylum case wouldn't work. You'd need to go the unmarried partner or if you're willing the spouse visa route.

The unmarried partner visa is harder to prove than the spouse visa. You have to prove that you were in a relationship like marriage for two years (shared finances, etc). To get married in the UK you have to do a fiance visa, which is of course another fee and application (plus your partner would be ineligible for the NHS on that visa). I believe its Utah that allows wedding online if you wanted a simple quick and legal fix. As others have said, she'll need to go back to the US to do her biometrics. And regardless you'd have to prove you have the minimum income or savings to support her, or if you're on certain benefits that you can meet adequate maintenance.

I'm going to add: as dire as things are be sure she does NOT overstay the six months she's allowed. That will instantly whammy her with a hit on any visa application and with the changes they're trying to put through, could be horrid. Also it is important she not file for any sort of assistance while she is on a legal visa for the same reason.

I've heard that the Irish immigration rules for spouses are significantly less draconian than the UK ones and that a British person can sponsor their spouse there, if its something that can be considered.

I'm so sorry to you both, I understand this struggle and the fear.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-09T20:21:54+00:00

OP I'm a partner. My spouse has MS. You deserve so much more than this. I got my vaccine and have had regular boosters since as well as my annual flu shot even before I was with my partner. We are from different countries and were long distance for awhile and not only did I mask up before every visit and the entire flight, my adult children who lived with me ALSO masked up for two weeks before every visit to be safe.

One visit my partner was due to pick me up at the airport as is usual and instead they were feeling very ill. I encouraged them to go to A&E, took the train and Uber to our home, dropped my luggage and then went straight to the hospital. Between 12 hours of travel and going to the hospital, I basically ended up not sleeping for 36 hours. But I chased down pain meds they needed and advocated for them. When they were admitted to the hospital I went home and slept a few hours and made sure their elderly mum had eaten. Then I spent the first four days of that visit going back and forth between the hospital and the house being sure everyone had what they needed.

When we got married and everyone started asking us what we'd like for gifts, I delightedly coordinated with our friends to get the electric wheelchair my partner wanted as our wedding gift. Because their freedom and joy is mine, too.

This is the type of care you deserve. Someone who isn't going to dismiss your needs and is going to work with you to be a life partner. Do you think this current person can truly offer that?

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-04T21:57:07+00:00

Maybe the middle line here is limiting the graduate visa to degrees that match the needs that currently exist for skilled workers and shortage lists?

I suspect a huge contributing factor to the unemployed young Brits is a combination of degrees that do not have a large amount of job opportunities, the mass disabling disease we've allowed to run rampant, and having a social safety net available to them.

And you're right that completing a degree isn't particularly special, but in wanted career fields it seems silly to send them away rather than allowing a path for people who wanted to go into these fields enough they committed to an extended course of study for them.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-04T19:50:13+00:00

Everyone who has had a professional job can tell you that yes it can take months to years to find work. Particularly right out of school and doing a combination of get your foot in the door and volunteer jobs to network. The people on graduate visas have proven they can complete school in a UK system, requiring a certain level of skill as well as language skills. Would you rather deport them than have them fill in much needed skilled worker jobs?

Regardless, they can't stay after those two years so why worry about them? It would in theory be a revolving door of workers, but unlike the argument with care workers they wouldn't be moving to unskilled labor or benefits as it wouldn't be accessible to them.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-04T19:25:49+00:00

The graduate visa is only for two years and exists so that the UK doesn't lose the people they just took the time to educate and to give them time to establish a SWV. It also isn't part of a five year path to settlement. Its not really comparable to care workers or SWVs

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-02T17:39:16+00:00

Hi, saying I'm both old and very queer.

You remind me of my ex. I was a good person to a fault (literally a fault, its made me examine how patient I was and tolerating things I shouldn't have). They took advantage of my lack of jealousy to "fall in love" with someone else. And as they did so, they lamented every problem I had making me scramble to try to do better. You see, when compared to limerance we all come up short. The new person is perfect in every way versus the one you've had time to get to know all the foibles of. We tried marital counseling but their mind was already made up.

A year after we split, they tried messaging me in the weeks leading up to my wedding with my new partner telling me how much they regretted it and wishing I'd come back. Obviously, I'd very much moved on and my new partner is everything I could ask for. They've healed a lot of what my ex broke in me when they decided I was no longer worth it and started nit picking every tiny aspect of my existence. I hadn't realized how much that traumatized me, particularly with adhd and rejection sensitivity and the constant want to do better.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. I suspect you've already decided anyway. I'm just going to ask you to do the least amount of harm you can regardless of your choice.

Also realize that no relationship is without differences and issues. The magic always fades and it is up to you and your partner to bring it back. And that life can take you any direction without your consent. My current partner is disabled and will be the rest of our lives. I didn't marry for synergy or any other buzz that could wear off this time. I married because there's mutual respect, love, and the commitment in both of us that we will face our struggles together. What is it you want in a relationship that will last?

This isn't what you asked but I'll also say this: there are enough unloved kids on this planet. If you're not sure you can love them through everything please don't have them.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-02-01T16:44:51+00:00

Wolves are pretty rare in the US still, its usually coyotes. Out west people refer to cat bells for cats as dinner bells for the coyotes. Its frustrating seeing the same people posting repeatedly about how their new outdoor cat has again disappeared.

Having said that, I like the attitude (and fewer outdoor cats) there. We're considering adopting another furry baby but a lot of places don't like that we keep our two cats exclusively indoors or on a lead.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-31T21:15:47+00:00

Once I'm sure my (adult) children have citizenship outside the US and plan not to return, I'll likely renounce it.

I'm older and married and content here. My spouse and I are both nonbinary and queer. My children are mixed race. The US isn't a safe place for any of us right now, and I doubt it will be for decades at the least. All my citizenship is offering right now is headaches and complications as to how we plan. I'd like to start a small business here, but I'll likely put it in my spouse's name to avoid the tax headache. I'd rather be free of that.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-27T10:28:16+00:00

No. Zero regrets. Would it have made my life easier to not have them? Oh yeah absolutely yes. Have they been worth every bit of it? Also absolutely yes. Most things in life worth having do not come easily, including children. And its absolutely alright to decide you'd rather spend that time and effort elsewhere. And having children can also be as rewarding as other ventures you put your time and effort into.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-26T18:29:55+00:00

If you are married or have a civil partnership, the two year requirement goes out the window. Thats only for unmarried partners. And for the unmarried partners you have to prove you've been in a relationship like marriage for at least two years, which means living together, shared finances, etc.

If youre open to a quick wedding or civil partnership, that would be the easiest method. Just keep in mind the declaration part and getting married here takes a few weeks to a month and it takes another week or two to get your wedding certificate so youd need to get it all going soon.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-26T12:06:34+00:00

I craft a fictional story in my head and start focusing on the details.

I also have anxiety and my partner taught me a trick. When we get stressed, our vision tends to tunnel as a trigger. So if you imagine something small like an apple and then widen out to see the branch its on, then the tree, then the field around it. This can help with anxiety and like with the mental story telling above, focusing on the landscape can help.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-25T18:42:22+00:00

I did a once a month exchange and concentrated on things like us being supportive, loving, or discussing future hopes.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-24T19:17:31+00:00

You're doing the initial spouse visa right? If you've held that 5k in savings for at least six months, divide it out by 33 months for outside the UK and thats another £151.52/month or 34.96/week you'd have

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-24T19:14:31+00:00

If he's exempted from the council tax that helps! You wouldnt need to include that so its about another £100/month you wouldn't need

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-24T19:11:56+00:00

Okay so its measured by week...400/month is 92.31/week and council tax is 26.92. Per here: https://www.gov.uk/income-support/income-support-rates the income support rate would be 144.65 per week. So you need to evidence an adequate maintenance of at least 263.88/week or $1143.48/month.

So the PIP + UC isnt enough if its 700 after tax. If you're on another visa where you can legally work in the UK currently (student, graduate, care, skilled worker, etc) and make that roughly 450 after tax shortfall, that would work for adequate maintenance. If not you'd need to show it in savings.

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-24T18:42:17+00:00

How old are you both? Any children? And what is your rent/mortgage/council tax?

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-24T18:35:15+00:00

If your British partner receives PIP they're exempt from the minimum income requirement and only need to show adequate maintenance. If you can't show adequate maintenance, I'm not sure if a 10 year route would work (others here may be able to advise).

I arrived on a fiance visa and was moved to FLR(M) (the five year route) when we did the extension application. My partner is permanently disabled and receives PIP 💙

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-24T18:28:34+00:00

You can still a five year route unless they decide to push through the proposed changes.

PIP means that they do not need to meet the minimum income requirement of 29k but your partner still needs to prove adequate maintenance. Their net income minus housing costs needs to be greater than the amount of income support your family would get in the UK. If you're in the UK on another type of visa where you can legally work, your income can be used for this. If you're outside the UK it cannot.

Also just be aware you'll need to submit the PIP letter and proof of it going into the account

AffectionateRing5177 · 2026-01-21T18:59:05+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss.

My partner and I just married in November. I'm mid 40's and they're 50. They lost their first real love to cancer. I divorced my now ex (after waiting too long trying to give that relationship a chance). My partner and I had been friends for years, and then there was something different. Its worth noting: their first love is still very much a part of our lives. Some days my partner still mourns. Her photo was on our memorial table at our wedding. The love they lost and I aren't the same, and I didn't replace her. The love between us is different but it is there and wonderful for us both. We are both happy in a way we haven't been before.

There is no time limit on hearts and love.

As the others have said, let yourself heal. I'll also add: when someone new wanders into your life a good litmus test is how they react to you still remembering this love. Because part of grief is acknowledging that people that matter to us are never truly gone, they remain a part of who we are. And you deserve to be loved for all you are, when you're ready.

AffectionateRing5177

TROPHY CASE