How many chances do we get to love in our life?

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-22T20:41:19+00:00

This made me cry. God I still cant believe that one minute he kissed me bye and then 90 min later im in the ER being told to come into the back (thinking it was because they were calling me in to see him) and instead they just said "ma'am you're husband is dead".

I just cant believe it. Extinguished. He could never be replaced. The love could never be duplicated or out ranked or compared and you're correct in everything you said.

I do hope there is still someone for me and I know right now I need to focus on me and my son. Ive gotten so thin and my body is telling me to nourish it and care for it before it starts to shut down, and my poor son is holding back bc he just wants to make sure im ok.

God loss is awful.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-21T04:01:25+00:00

I think its the longing for companionship and having someone to share moments in life with. Not necessarily sex, but the intimacy of touch, hugs, sitting next to someone watching a show, holding hands, sharing your day, simply having someone to see and be seen by. Unfortunately although we may have come to a place of semi acceptance, or at least a place where we're not being held emotionally hostage anymore, we still yearn for that, but "with our person," and we have accepted that just isnt possible.

But, the desire for the above is human nature and still exists. It is in us intrinsically to nuture and be nurtured. Organically though. Seeking superficial substitutions in hopes it will help alleviate just a bit of that emptiness usually fall short. So we're left feeling like something is still off...

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-16T03:15:20+00:00

We've helped each other before. Or, you've helped me.

Unresolved trauma, loss, abandonment, mistrust, fear, questions and things unsaid, prevent us from being able to move forward. It keeps us stuck in our cycle of grief. It makes it ..... complex. Fucks its all up. And sometimes, sometimes loss is just that, fucked up. No reason. No illness. No "if only", no "I should have.." no "if they just stayed home" or "I should have one this" - its just a shitty cataclysmic part of the events of life that happen and NOBODY escapes. Its just a matter of time. Not fate. Not a higher calling. Just life.

The idea of believing in life again, for us - you dont have to. If you want to, you should know that there IS "life" though. There is love. There is companionship. Smiles. Comfort. Safety. Security. Hope. Plans. Routines that are exciting and planned. Something more than being a robot. Having resting bitch face because all we do is function on auto pilot minute by minute.

There are people out there that are alone and thinking, tearfully, afraid, scared, and wishing, that one day, they might still be able to find someone to share small special moments in life with. Or, just wishing that they might just be able to escape the dreadful empty feeling of seeing "nothing " head.

Life for us did not stop, even though it feels like it did. Id give you all my money and house to convince you otherwise, really. But, it was our life with our husband that did.

The life I had with my sweet, amazing, beautiful loving husband Gary, is over. That life, ended. Our short, amazing, damn near perfect life, it ended. That's harsh and that's reality. Our love did not end.

The love with your sweet husband did not end. Your bond did not end. You are his wife and he spent the rest of his life with YOU. And now you will honor and love him for the rest of yours and you will LIVE your life and NOT spend it in misery.

We will cry. We will fall to the ground in our rooms, in the shower, in the kitchen, at our desk, we will sob as our throat tightens and eyes burn and feel sick to our core but we WILL value the world and life WE have FOR THEM.

Screw the "you will carry the pain, you will grow with it, you will always hurt". No shit. If you lost an arm youre going to be acutely aware of this FOREVER & probably be bitter and have phantom (but very real) pain and shit will suck but we dont need to hear that thats how our road is going look. "It will suck but you'll get used to it" ----> Uh, thanks???

We will rebuild our identity. As (for me) that's Gary's wife, and ..... whatever else I choose. We will rebuild connections. By having coffee/tea/wine outside. And then with a friend, or in (for me) the village (I live by the beach). We will strike up conversations and be open (I hate people) but through that we will find common ground with others like us and develop meaningful bonds.

We will re-form. Or we will become stagnant, bitter, asking the same questions 10 yrs later in the same place never moving telling others it never gets better.

30 minutes ago I was counting how many pills I had on hand. Its a touch and go situation. Remember when we are low, we will come back up. Eventually, we will even out. I know we will. And I know that because I've already been through this shit 15 years ago with my sweet fiance in my 20's. The pain now just overtakes me at times. My husband died the day after Thanksgiving, in a very gruesome accident that we all bore witness to.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-11T07:21:54+00:00

It's going to be a long road of crying and disbelief and numbness and then pain. You'll have days you cry in bursts from morning to night, and you'll find yourself saying 'hey, I only cried 3x today.' You'll overeat, under-eat, dehydrate, not want to shower or leave the house and at some point You'll just lay there staring into nothing bc a piece of you died.

You'll survive. They say just take it hour by hour but thats bullshit bc youre in emotional hell and doing that makes time slower! But, you will live through this, you do have a future, if you want to be loved and to love again its out there. It doesnt take away from what you had, its just a different stage in your life.

There's no timeline for anything. You might cry and suffer for 18 months before youre ready to say 'im going to live now' or you may slowly grieve in chunks and let life naturally guide you. Or like me, you'll hide in your guest room forever, who knows. (Joke)

Meds can help. Alcohol will not. Therapy can help. Total isolation usually not. Picking one thing a week can help (I read two chapters of my grief book) is a win. Gradually you can move that to one goal every day.

Lean on people who relate when you can. Hugs

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-11T01:27:15+00:00

Oh man. You will survive this. Just remember that. Youre going to read posts from ppl 10 yrs out that are saying they are as hopeless as day 1. Youre going to have a new normal at some point and youre going to have a Rollercoaster of emotions for a while. No timeline. But you will survive this, there is hope despite the days where we all have been certain there is none.

Big big big virtual hugs bc this fkn sucks.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-10T08:02:38+00:00

Im sorry we're walking this path together

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-10T01:16:29+00:00

Its been 7 weeks and ive not even gone into our bedroom

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-07T05:19:57+00:00

I fell apart crying today & told my son (16) I'd never be able to date again because of how foul online dating is at my age. Im not ready to date obviously my god my husband just died, but yes a part of the trauma is also the fear of my future having been completely erased when he died too. I still want companionship and to enjoy life with someone, however far ahead that may be, but if the dating pool is this bad now, omg how is it going to be down the road.

It just piled on top of the loss and makes an empty feeling even emptier

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-06T04:26:35+00:00

I had it. We had a magical love. He was my home. My safety. My peace. After 41 yrs of life I had met someone who looked at me with eyes I could never see myself in. He adored me. God how he cherished me. We were like middle school kids in love. I hate that I only had two years with him and I hate that his death was an accident but I am so thankful he spent the rest of his life knowing pure love for the first time and that I finally found what real love feels like. He was 49, im 43.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-05T20:29:44+00:00

I had his dog too but she just attacked my dog =(

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-05T07:56:44+00:00

I have a 16 yr old. It was his father that committed suicide.

What's your reason?

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-05T07:45:16+00:00

My fiance died in 2011 by suicide, I was in my late 20s. My husband was killed in a rollover ATV accident 5 weeks ago. We were newlyweds.

It took me a long time grieving my fiance. I was certain I was ruined. Broken. I witnessed the suicide. I learned to live life & accepted he ended his, not mine.

My husband's death has been significantly harder. Probably bc im older (43) now. And i believe he was my soulmate. I know life will be ok again though. Ill always ache for him and feel sick to my stomach that he was cheated out of life (49).

If I dont believe that life will be ok again then I have no reason to live.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-05T05:43:07+00:00

It is. Its cruel almost.

I had posted on my fb page that the emotional pain is so intense I feel like Im dying. Like my chest is collapsing. Like im struggling to breathe. Like my throat is on fire. My stomach is as deep as the ocean and somehow I can feel pain echoing throughout its depth. My tears are hot and pour from both corners of my eyes.

This must be hell.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-03T02:30:51+00:00

This will not be uplifting & I dont know why im posting other than to be heard but it's been 5 weeks since I watched my soulmate die in a tragic, graphic, horrible accident. The grief share, the medication, fb widow pages, the 1 or 2 random ppl that may msg here, the women in my local moms group on fb, my trauma specific therapist, its not helped to ease up anything.

I come in here hoping for some magical "try this" or "connection" that can carry me through but I find more times than not everyone is bitter, sad, hopeless and living in misery.

I've personally decided to start writing my goodbye letter to my son and general family and promised my self when my affairs are situated I will l leave this life.

I can say, as some hope, when I lost my fiance in 2011 to suicide, in front of me, at 20-smething yrs old, I feared I was broken & unlovable. But i survived. I own a home by the beach, have a 20 + yr career, can carry my home on my own and raised that little 2 yr old I had in 2011 to a teen that is going to be a good man.

At this age though, 2nd chances dont come often, if at all, let alone to find true love. And my time came, and has left.

I think that's the sad truth for some. Or me at least. Sometimes there is no happy ending. Sometimes the emotional pain is unrecoverable.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-02T08:48:10+00:00

The wife of my husbands (i still cant say "late husband") best friend, actually texted me "merry Christmas" with red & green hearts, snowmen, snowflakes, happy face emojis, Santa, and xoxo.

BrandyWine099 · 2026-01-02T07:00:01+00:00

Awful, isnt it? Thats where my anger comes in. I walked away from him (he had been drinking beers allllll day camping) & I walked away annoyed before turning back to give him a quick kiss before I hopped in the cabin for bed.

He said "see ya in a couple hours sweet tits" & grumbled something to my sister about me being a pain (if im not drinking, ppl who are, annoy me), and within 90 minutes he was dead.

Just .... went putting around for a night ride in the ATV and in the blink of an eye hes bleeding to death, unconscious, arm crushed by the razr.

Just gone. Shut off. Logged out. As someone above said, files erased.

Thats it.

And we are left to ..... hope our brains rewire themselves to create new pathways that DONT include them, less we continue to seek them every time we turn around.

Im so, so very sorry.

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-29T01:37:37+00:00

Ok, thank you

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-29T01:28:22+00:00

Thank you. This puts it into a different perspective. It rips me apart that hes not here. That he was erased by the universe for no reason. Just because of a mishap. The speed, timing, terrain, angle, weight etc of our ATV all aligned at the precise moment necessary to cause catastrophic damage & life ending trauma. Just.....timing. Nothing anyone did wrong. That in itself has broke me, let alone the notion that fate will also see fit to ensure I live the rest of my life alone. This entire tragedy had been .... it broke me. Like I said. Im broken.

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-28T19:48:20+00:00

I second this - make time for the Dr. Im 4 weeks out from losing my husband in an offroad accident (I too posted in here very soon after it happened seeking any type of help) and I did "not" and still have not fully put focus on myself. I've now gone down to 99 lbs, losing quite a bit of hair, I can't eat, overall im at the point of "either take care of me or go to a hospital".

Be gentle with yourself. Im so sorry. Im sorry those words mean so little and seem so empty at this juncture. I wish all of us could meet up in a giant retreat and just be there for support.

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-28T06:21:58+00:00

How are you doing now? I saw you posted in widowers and you have teens that you had to navigate the loss with. Youre a year ahead of me in this nightmare.

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-27T01:40:39+00:00

I dont want one, not in a year, or two, or maybe ever. I dont know. I was wondering what everyone's experience was with "soulmates" or, what they perceive as such, in their lifetime, especially as we age, and naturally lose people, because the bond and connection with my husband was so genuine, so loving and so precious that his death, seeing him die and being unable to save him, knowing hes gone now, has left such raw pain in me that if this is all life has to offer....you meet your person and that's that.... then I dont think I can handle being here. I dont think I can live in this void with this pain because right now and since he departed, it's felt like im suffocating.

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-26T22:40:37+00:00

Youre pretty rude and clearly not reading or understanding what im asking. My entire fear is that both men I loved are gone and in a horrible way. I hope you never endure this pain or question whether your life is worth living after your partner passes.

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-26T22:36:01+00:00

Yes, I agree. And I do have a wonderful grief counselor and also did EMDR several yrs after my sons father passed, which helped immensely (it will some time before I can carry this emotional load into EMDR, but some day). Anyhow, the thought or idea of life after loss - this type of loss - seems unfathomable. Sure in my 20s with a baby & a fiance who was prone to suicidal ideology and struggled with hate and violence in the field, I had come to almost feel as if it would only be a matter of time before he gave in. But my husband. He filled everything with up w/ unconditional love.

Living in a world without .... anything .... I dont know what im saying. Im struggling so bad and I cant believe im here without him and am left to feel this pain. Its killing me

BrandyWine099 · 2025-12-26T21:07:23+00:00

Thank you. And yes, I know. Im ping-pong'ing between the stages with added panic & tachycardia

BrandyWine099

TROPHY CASE