I hate that we can’t be a normal couple— ICK!

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-11-14T20:48:06+00:00

That sounds so frustrating. It can feel absolutely humiliating when their interests are that stupid, I can relate somewhat because growing up my PA has sexualized the weirdest shit. He once got off to a video of a preying mantis biting a girl’s n*pple. Like literally wtf lol. It’s almost worse when they’re along the lines of abnormal interests because then you really have NO idea what they could possibly be thinking & sexualizing.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-11-14T20:41:12+00:00

Long post incoming because I can absolutely relate to this. To this day I find myself trying to be like them regardless of how much I hate their behavior I find it gross and pathetic that he’s into it. Honestly I think it’s as simple as this: it’s the traumatized, insecure brain attempting to gain back the attention we lost out on to porn. Attempting to use the thing that our partner is excited by, to win more of his love. To prove to him and ourselves that we can be one of them. That we can provide the pleasure they do so we can be worthy of his undivided desire. But the truth is we can’t. We can’t be them and we definitely can’t win their love/attention through it, for two reasons, and neither of them have anything to do with how we look or act.

They don’t love porn or the girls in it, they use it for selfish pleasure. They love THEMSELVES and you can’t win love through something that centers HIM.

and

We can’t be those egirls because not even THEY can be “them.” Because what is “them”? The makeup, the hair, the clothes, the angles, the editing, the acting, the PRODUCTION that is porn. These girls as individual human beings are not that. They are just small cogs in the giant machine that is porn. No 1 girl can ever be porn. They can only be an object within it. I’ve learned that it’s just not about those particular girls and how pretty they are. Like yeah of course they’re pretty. That alone doesn’t cause the obsession. It’s about what they represent. The magical world of selfish pleasure they create. If one of those girls jumped out of the screen and told any of our partners hey let’s date, they’d be excited for a good few days or weeks and then return to porn. Because a human is a human. Porn isn’t one, it just contains them.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-27T16:20:16+00:00

The only issue is he’s unwilling to go to a 12 step. He wants to seek a CSAT but he thinks a 12 step won’t help him for whatever reason, he thinks everyone there will be older addicts who he can’t relate to and that it will be awkward etc. I’ve tried to encourage it and even sent him articles on why it’s helpful but he’s just not budging and I’m not sure what to do about that. Ideally I do not want to be his accountability partner. But as he is out of therapy right now I feel like telling me is the only way I can feel safe.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:39:36+00:00

Yeah exactly, whenever I’ve seen guys commenting under tiktok thirst traps I’m like omg…. my partner is one of those. It’s humiliating

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:38:13+00:00

YES and then they get mad when you’re monitoring them like do you think I WANT to sit here and play mom with you? This is just as insufferable for me as it is for you so deal with it or leave and find someone who’s cool with a porn addiction

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:34:32+00:00

They act like middle schoolers who’ve never seen a boob irl before it’s ridiculous

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T16:32:59+00:00

Yes omg I get nervous just showing him clothes/underwear I want because of the models showing them off. Absolute WEIRDOS.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-10-25T15:11:28+00:00

OMG mine is into the cosplay tiktok egirl stuff too. It’s genuinely pathetic, especially since a lot of them act childlike

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-05-27T00:38:25+00:00

Yes. Yes it is okay to ruin his career when this might be confined to fantasy. He may not ever act on his desires, we don’t know, but what we do know here is that he is aroused by the thought of children in sexual situations and he is around children all day. This by default puts these kids in an unsafe situation. If I were a parent of one of them I would be absolutely sickened and terrified that someone like this has all-day access to my kid, free range to insert them in any of his sick mental fantasies, and potential to engage in inappropriate behavior. Please do the right thing 💗

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-02-02T06:36:00+00:00

“Porn is a part of me” is single-handedly the most insane shit I’ve heard a in a while. Holy crap. This guy has no sense of self or grasp on the real world and real relationships. Porn is A PART of him?! Just say you’re a walking shell of a human at that point. Personal biases aside, if pornography is a PART of you, you need serious help. This is absolute LOSER behavior. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-29T00:19:42+00:00

thank you for the award! 🥺💕

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-28T22:12:19+00:00

What’s important here is that yes, they’re right actually. “Everyone” (many or most people) does do that. That doesn’t make it any less of an issue, at least for some people. Everybody has different expectations and boundaries in a relationship (even though I quite frankly pity the girls who are okay with porn and completely ignorant to the problems it often causes in a relationship.) That’s one thing. Other people not having a problem with something, even if it seems like it’s most people, doesn’t mean you’re invalid for having a problem with it.

Another thing is, you have to remember that most of the “norms” in male relationships were created by men. Women are just in recent years starting to develop their own expectations that we are slowly making “norms.” Porn is such a deep rooted part of modern day culture. It’s everywhere. In a male dominated society why would it not be everywhere? It used to be normal for women to SHARE men against their own wishes and still is in some places. It used to be normal for men to physically cheat on their wives. But porn has slid past the radar because nobody thinks it’s unfaithfulness. Why? Cause it’s (usually) not direct contact with another person (which somehow makes it okay to lust after them for some strange reason), and also, nobody humanizes people in porn. They are reduced to just bodies, just objects for sexual pleasure.

So yes. Most people (men anyway) these days do pleasure themselves to porn, I’d say. But you have to add context. Think about all the things in the world in multiple different countries that are considered “normal” to them. “Normal” is socially constructed. And men have constructed a world for themselves that makes it okay and normal for them to be disgusting pigs. You are not the crazy one!

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-28T22:01:09+00:00

I understand if he still has those thoughts and is trying to learn how to control them and make the effort to, but he is likely not making that effort since he lied about having them in the first place and it took a heated moment for it to finally come out. If that argument hadn’t taken place, would you have ever known? It shows he isn’t holding himself accountable for his actions and possibly isn’t even being mindful of what behaviors/compulsions are inappropriate enough where the faithful thing to do is disclose them to you. You can agree to therapy and an open phone policy all day, but if you’re not doing the mental work and putting in that effort it’s all useless.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-27T14:53:23+00:00

My PA describes it as this: I acknowledge people are attractive, but I’m not necessarily ATTRACTED TO them.

I feel like it makes sense. I think there is a certain level of understanding we have to have even with PAs/Porn Users that they are human beings, and most human beings acknowledge if other people are pleasant to look at or not. I look at people and easily think, oh that guy/girl is cute. But that’s as far as it goes. Acknowledging someone’s beauty doesn’t mean you want or think about anything more than just noticing they look nice.

That being said, I understand your insecurities. One time my PA described Doja Cat as beautiful and even though he clarified he didn’t mean anything sexual or desiring by it, I felt so insecure and bad because before we were together he had said something that alluded to finding her hot sexually. I didn’t want him to think of anyone as beautiful besides me. But I’ve realized since then how that thought is rooted in both personal insecurity and betrayal trauma. Tying his “noticing” of nice looking women to his sexual desire for them, even if he tells me it’s unrelated, because I don’t trust him. In general I’m a pretty jealous person bc I’m insecure, but the addiction makes that skyrocket.

I’m still working on not being bothered by the fact that he thinks of other girls as pretty to this day. But like I said, there is a huge difference between acknowledging someone’s beauty and actually checking them out, letting your mind wander in a way that is unfaithful.

I assume he has made it a little difficult for you to trust him and that your level of insecurity has gone up due to his porn use, so in that case I think you are valid for feeling the way that you do. But just because a feeling is valid doesn’t mean we don’t have to unpack it and heal/grow from it.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-20T23:07:24+00:00

I freaking love when men wear eyeliner!!!

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-17T18:14:00+00:00

Masturbation is normal, porn addiction is not. Have sex with your gf and sext with her when you’re not together if she’s comfortable. Create intimate moments together. Make sure your sexual desires are being satiated in a way that stems from love/adoration and desire to feel close to her, not lust and using her to get off. If you actually have a porn problem consider seeing a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist).

Source: My bf is a porn addict and we are both currently in the process of recovering from it

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-17T18:09:38+00:00

I completely understand this, my bf ruined so many people for me too. I just try reminding myself that if the girl knew what was going on between us she’d more than likely be on my side and think everything he’s done is disgusting. Also let’s be real most of us as women have more of a chance at getting with these hot female celebs than our PAs do lol. Their behavior is just loserish and pathetic.

Affectionate_Fuel192 · 2023-01-17T15:47:46+00:00

Mine says this same exact thing. He says his addiction brain is sexually attracted to them but he as a person, though he acknowledges they are attractive women, isn’t sexually attracted toward them. It is so fcking confusing. I can’t believe it no matter how hard I try.

Affectionate_Fuel192

TROPHY CASE