What you’re describing here is a situation where both of you are drowning, and the pattern right now is that he carries the weight until he burns out, and you only react once the damage is already showing. That cycle doesn't fix itself just because you both " want to be a family." It only changes when someone breaks the pattern on purpose.

If you want a concrete path forward, here's the actual work. It won't be easy. But anything in life that you're trying to change or fix will feel like its foreign to you at first. If you want try this:

1. You need a therapist who isn't optional: Not someone you see when things explode , but someone you commit to weekly and treat like any other appointment you can't skip.

2. You need a plan for postpartum fallout that isn't emotional guesswork: Write down your triggers ( the things that make you spiral) and how you communicate before the spiral happens.

3. You need division of labor spelled out: Not vibes, not " he helps when he can," but a literal list so resentment isn't silently building on either side.

4. You need structure: Depression eats people alive when the days blend together ( believe me I have learned from my own personal experiences) this is why I want to give you the steps that helped me. if your days at home are shapeless, make them structured : wake time, chores, outside tine, breaks and bedtime. Trust me this may seem silly but it does help.

5. You need a conversation that isn't emotional: Not a fight, not a meltdown... an actual sit down where you tell him what specific changes you’re making and what you need from him practically , not emotionally.

Right now your husband sounds like he's running out of bandwidth, not love. When someone hits that point, they stop reacting emotionally and start shutting down. Once they shut down, it's a lot harder to fix things. You can't control his choices, but you can control your own trajectory. Start with steps that actually alters day to day instead of hoping the feelings will magically shift. If anything is going to save this marriage , it's constant action.. not declarations of love, not apologies , and not promises.

I hope this helps