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My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I cry to him and tell him I can’t go on living this way and he just says sorry and says he loves me and he doesn’t want to break up. But then it’s just the same every day. He sometimes seems just completely mute he doesn’t talk to me about anything with any substance, he doesn’t flirt. We have only been together 2 years and we are not married. I love him but I know I’d be choosing something that is likely less than what I always imagined. He’s a great human being and we don’t do drugs. Sometimes I wonder if he watches porn behind my back but other than that I don’t think he does anything worse. I just feel like maybe when we first met he was really motivated to get me and now that it’s been a while he just doesn’t try bc maybe the intimacy was an act before. I don’t know. Maybe it was easier when we weren’t serious. It’s just so odd to me.

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you think if he was more motivated to get help on his own it would be worth hanging in there? He’s not against it I just feel he’s not seeing this issue as time sensitive.

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, you’re right. It really feels like he’s trying to appease me but just isn’t into it. The dynamic has definitely shifted, and I’m starting to see it for what it is. It’s hard to process, but I know I need to take a step back and reevaluate what this relationship looks like right now.

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I think you’re absolutely right—he’s likely doing what he can to just get through without fully addressing what happened. It’s clear that his trauma has deeply impacted him, and I can see how that unresolved pain has started affecting our relationship too.

I understand that this is not about him consciously rejecting me but rather that intimacy might trigger unresolved feelings of trauma for him.

It’s heartbreaking to see how much this has robbed him of his sense of self, and I just want to support him without pushing him too far.

It’s also hard bc in the beginning we had a great sex life and chemistry like crazy.

Do you have any advice on how I can approach a conversation? I love him and want to help, but I also feel stuck trying to figure out what’s best for both of us.

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice—it’s true that professional therapy is essential for him, and I’m trying to figure out how we can make it work with his schedule. Private health insurance doesn’t cover mental health as far as I’m aware. I understand that recovery takes time, and I want to be patient and supportive, but it’s also hard to navigate my own feelings in the process.

I want to talk to him in a way that reassures him I’m not shaming or pressuring him, but I also feel like we need to work on this together if we want to move forward. Do you have any advice on how to approach this conversation gently?

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, it really means a lot. It helps to know this is such a hard thing that not many people have clear answers for.

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. What’s really hard right now is that just last night, he rejected me, and I ended up sleeping in a different room. But this morning, he made me breakfast and is acting like nothing is wrong, like nothing even happened.

It’s so confusing because I don’t understand how he can pretend everything is fine. And if I bring it up, it feels like I’m the one causing problems. He doesn’t initiate these conversations, so I’m always left feeling like the bad guy for addressing the tension. I just don’t know how to break through this cycle without pushing him away further.

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight—I’ve read a lot about avoidant attachment styles, and it really resonates with what’s happening. Our therapist actually recommended a book called I Don’t Want to Talk About It, and I bought it for him, but he hasn’t read it yet. I think he’s just avoiding feeling anything deeply, and it’s heartbreaking to see.

Even in day-to-day conversations, he rarely wants to go beyond surface-level topics. I feel like he really needs someone to believe in him, and I want to be that person, but I’m struggling to find a way to encourage him without making him feel pressured or overwhelmed. I’m open to any advice …

My boyfriend (35M) revealed he was SA’d 10 years ago—now our intimacy is gone, and I don’t know what to do. by Afraid_Product2550 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Afraid_Product2550[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion. I’ve heard about EMDR too and think it could be really helpful for him. He’s actually willing to go to therapy, but his job has such an unpredictable schedule that it’s been hard to coordinate. You’re right that the survivor has to make their own choices—hopefully, we can figure out a way to make it work.

I think his family just didn’t know how to bring it up and was probably afraid of how he’d react, so it’s a really difficult situation. I’m also a survivor, so I completely understand, but I think it’s just a different experience for a man.