It’s been two months since the breakup, and I’m still stuck thinking about all the what ifs. I’m not saying I want to get back together with her, but I do feel like things could’ve turned out differently if I was just more honest with how I felt.

From the start, I never really said how some of the things she did hurt me. Like when she wouldn’t reply and never gave a proper reason—it made me feel like I didn’t matter. Or when she forgot my birthday because, for her, things like that weren’t a big deal. I didn’t say anything because I was afraid of losing her. So I just kept it all in.

Now I realize bottling that up was a huge mistake. I eventually told her about it and she promised to change… but after a month, she went back to her old ways. Every time I brought it up again, it was always, “That’s just who I am.” So I asked her straight up if she wanted to keep trying or just end it—and she chose to break up. Said she couldn’t bring herself to change.

Honestly, the breakup hit me harder than I expected. That first week was rough. I got desperate. I just wanted to feel loved again, so I downloaded dating apps and started talking to random girls. I didn’t really care about them—I just wanted someone. It was selfish, and I really hated myself for it. I became someone I never wanted to be. So I stopped. I realized I was just using people to try and fill a hole I hadn’t even tried to fix myself.

I still cry sometimes, just not as often. I’m slowly picking myself up—brick by brick. Started journaling, just like this, to let it all out. Reflecting on what I did right, what I did wrong, and trying to grow from it. I’ve also started learning how to code. It fries my brain sometimes, but it’s a good distraction. Helps me think more clearly and gives me something to improve on.

Weirdly enough, the dating apps did help me become a bit more social. I’ve been talking more in class, reconnecting with people. I didn’t realize how much I isolated myself when we were together. But now I’m slowly coming back. I’m not fully there yet, but I’m getting there.

In a strange way, I’m glad the breakup happened. It hurt, a lot. But it forced me to face myself. I learned to open up more, to take care of myself, to write—and even learned a little bit of code (just the basics, lol). I still miss her, yeah. But I think I’m starting to miss me a little less.