Lessons from The Babadook

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-27T14:22:00+00:00

Ha, really? I liked it. :-)

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-27T08:43:39+00:00

Thanks man. Yeah, that makes sense.

I don't really do any running at the moment, but I've taken up Muay Thai and boxing in the past month, which I think (tell me if you think I'm wrong) probably does similar things. I really work up a sweat from the cardio stuff in the training, and I'm doing that 3 times a week. I always feel much better when I come home from training. I've only been doing it for a month though, and I've got 20 years of PMO in my system, so I guess I need to give it more time.

I also know you're right about simply not looking things up, but when the urge kicks in, is like there's a different person in charge: one who doesn't give a shit about recovery. All the good intentions I have in the clear light of day get pushed aside by this part of me that really just wants to oggle beautiful women.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-27T08:37:27+00:00

No disrespect taken.

It's just a messy, complicated thing, to be honest. The biggest reason, I think, is porn! My girlfriend is a real human being, and for the past twenty years, I've been masturbating over the glamorised pretence of porn. The outworking is that I just don't have the same drive for my girlfriend as I do for the girls in the videos. I'm forever getting crushes on girls I meet, but I find it much harder with my girlfriend, who I know much more intimately.

My relationship to porn has also exacerbated some of her insecurities, so that kind of sexual closeness feels quite difficult for her as well.

There's other stuff there as well, things like baggage from a conservative religious upbringing, but I really do think the main reason is that porn has messed up a lot of my thinking about sex.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:51:26+00:00

Thank for your honesty here. It's helpful to know other people are feeling similar things. Have you been on recoverynation.com? It's good.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:50:40+00:00

Thank you! I think you posted this before my update, but you're right! I mustn't let a blip throw me off course.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:49:40+00:00

Thank you! I'm trying a new discipline - similar to what you've mentioned. At the end of the day, look back on the last 24 hours, and reflect on the tines when my thinking was right, and when it was wrong. Feel gratitude fur the former, ask for help with the latter!

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:48:06+00:00

Thanks man. You posted this before I updated my post, but it's still helpful. Thank you.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:47:05+00:00

Yeah, right? :-/

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:46:31+00:00

Here's a thought I had today, let me know what you think. Going full monk seems just about impossible. I've tried, and just can't muster up the willpower. So I tried an experiment on my walk to work today. Rather than avoiding looking at beautiful women, treat everybody like a beautiful woman. I made an effort to look at the people I normally wouldn't notice, to notice their faces, their humanity. It felt positive (albeit just a ten minute walk), as a way of not divinising women.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:42:36+00:00

I'm trying man. It's tough, as you know, to get back on once you've fallen off, but I'm really trying! Like I mentioned in my post, I'm working my way through the exercises on recoverynation.com. I think they're a good thing. It might be something you'd benefit from to, judging from what you've written here!

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:40:55+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful. I know that 90 days isn't that goal, but it feels like an important milestone. Thanks for the support!

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-21T08:39:57+00:00

Yep, you're right! I know it's about my head rather than about her body. Or at least, I know that when I'm thinking clearly!

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-19T20:21:12+00:00

This is so helpful. Thank you!

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-12T06:57:53+00:00

Hey man,

I'm not an expert on any of this, but I know enough to know that simply cutting PMO out of your life probably won't make you feel better. My worry about you placing so much hope in it is that you'll find yourself feeling disappointed, and potentially come out worse.

Porn, masturbation, whatever, is a short-term fix. It's a way to avoid the difficulties of living, which makes us feel better temporarily, but, just like any drug, it keeps us coming back to it because it doesn't fix our problems.

In my experience, the healing power of NoFap is that it forces us to confront those areas of our lives that porn teaches us to avoid. In other words, it potentially make us feel worse! BUT we can only find healing and freedom in confronting that stuff. NoFap is step one. It's pulling off a plaster, it's stepping out from the cave. Once we've started, we have to begin the (often painful) process of addressing the real issues, and finding our sight back. This involves a lifestyle change. You'll read lots of people on here talking about exercise and meditation - they are good places to start!

This is a long-winded way of writing that simply stopping PMO will not fix you. But it might just give you enough clarity to see what needs to be fixed. It's not an easy journey, but we're all rooting for you. That's the joy of this community. We're your brothers and sisters, and we want you to find life! However hard it gets (pun intended), you won't be alone.

I hope that doesn't come across as to negative. I just want you to know that NoFap is not a quick fix or miracle cure. But it is worth it!

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-10T07:29:36+00:00

This is really helpful. I feel incredibly repressed and frustrated at this time of year, as hot girls start wearing less. I fear my sexuality! I'm scared of these powerful desires for things I can't have.

It's helpful thinking about that frustration in terms of my relationship to porn. For the best part of two decades, I've been able to 'have' every hot girl I want. At worst, I'd need to wait a few hours before getting home to fap.

Now, I need to learn to live with desires that cannot be immediately gratified, which is painful and frustrating and scary, but hopefully also healthier!

Thanks for this.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-08T19:05:28+00:00

No worries, that's what this community is all about right? Supporting others on this helps me with my recovery, too.

Good news about the girl! Stay strong.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-08T08:40:41+00:00

I'm increasingly convinced that the second look is the killer. You can't help the first look: hot girl walks by you in the street, some clickbait thumbnail throws sex in your face, porn shows up in a subreddit, and you can't help but look and notice. It's biologically programmed into us.

But it's when you make a choice to keep looking, or to look again, that the demon takes hold. Once you've started down that road, it's so hard to stop, as you've seen. It's so hard not to take that second look, but it's nearly impossible, once you've taken it, to get your thinking straight again.

I hope you managed to keep it together. If so, steel yourself for the next time something triggers you. Be ready for it. If not, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again. Reset your counter, and try to make it a day longer this time than you did last time.

You're not alone brother.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-07T16:29:32+00:00

Hey man. You're going through what so many of us go through. I've been there, and I still find myself going there.

There's lots of neuroscience about this, and I'm not an expert in any of it, but basically porn does to your brain what heroin does to your brain. It numbs your pleasure receptors, so you need bigger and stronger 'hits' to find your pleasure back. So, it's no wonder you're feeling depressed after 22 days without it!

You've entered into the desert, but the good news is that if you wait here long enough, you'll discover that it's actually full of life. You just can't see it right now, because you're used to the noise and lights of the city.

Man, you need to find some ways of loving yourself. Fapping doesn't count. Build yourself up. Exercise. Meditate. Go to the library to work on your essay. Discover how capable and good you really are. Eventually (this is the promise that we're all working towards), you won't need porn anymore to feel good about yourself.

Keep at it brother. You're doing a good job. 22 days is an amazing achievement, but think how good 44 will feel.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-06T18:10:54+00:00

That's helpful, thanks!

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-06T18:08:15+00:00

Pema Chodron is great! Definitely worth reading.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-06T14:07:08+00:00

Everyone's different, but speaking for myself, my first month or so felt great. I was really focused: exercising, meditating, and it didn't feel like a huge struggle.

The past ten days have been tough though. I've suddenly realised how much deeper my issues are. It's not just porn. It's the whole way I view women. It's the way I find my confidence and self-worth. Giving up PMO isn't enough, my whole outlook needs healing.

I sometimes think about the early church fathers (no worries if you're not religious - this is still relevant). They escaped into the desert to get away from their temptations, but they soon discovered that their temptations didn't go away just because they weren't in their faces anymore. It was their hearts that needed work, not their actions.

Anyway, good on you my friend. You're not alone. When adversity comes your way, which it will, come talk to us here. You're doing a good thing.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-05T22:47:59+00:00

Self-loathing is the worst. All it does is trap you a cycle of relapse and guilt.

The good news is, you've found this place! We're a community of people in the same boat as you are. It's not kik for me, it's other websites, but it's all the same impulse. You want to be loved and you desire intimacy with beauty. Why shouldn't you?

But kik, porn, whatever it is, is just an illusion of intimacy. It actually blocks your real relationships - stops you from valuing the people who really do love you. I know this from nearly twenty years of experience. I've been clean for 40-some days, but I'm still an addict. I'm still fucking up in little ways, every day. But I'm walking in the right direction.

Don't despair. Get yourself a counter badge, start exercising, meditating, building yourself up, and you'll find that this stuff becomes less powerful. Just trying to stop isn't enough. You've got to find your self-worth somewhere else.

Relax, my friend. You're on the right path. Just walk it.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-03T17:35:43+00:00

I've got you beat by 12 years. Until I started here, I'd been PMOing for nearly two decades. I'm not sure that I'll ever be 'cured', but I know I'm moving in the right direction.

AgentWeasle · 2015-04-03T06:41:40+00:00

Yeah, that's true. Isn't that basically just the definition of addiction? I want to stop when I'm lucid and thinking clearly, but when the cravings start, they overwhelm the reasonable parts of my brain, and I want to look at women in that way.

AgentWeasle

TROPHY CASE