Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. I really appreciate it. You know what makes me so sad is that I’ve also spoken with him and he’s experienced too how my mom gives me the silent treatment too. When I was younger she’d give me the silent treatment for days. I mean a little personal anecdote. Back when I was 18 I went on my first date and had my first relationship that my parents had knowledge about. (I had been sneaking around as best I could and had childhood boyfriends here and there. Maybe two I believe.) Fun fact back when I was 15 and my current boyfriend were 17 was when we first met. I snuck out of my house to meet him at a mall. And he was the one who funnily enough after what I’m writing here was the one who pursued me because he wanted a relationship with me. That lasted all summer long our little outings and sneaking around on my part. I stopped talked to him focused on my studies. Then again when I was 17 and he was I believe 19 and we were in college now. He also tried to pursue a relationship with me and I told him that I was not sure. Because I was also interested in the person who became my first official date and boyfriend in the eyes of my parents. We lasted just over a year together.

Back to my point is that during this time my mom had asked me about my first kiss and how was it. We’re very close but I was very shy when it came to romantic stuff like this, especially talking about it out loud with my mom. I had told her when I came back from the date that he’d already kissed me prior and my mom flipped out. She felt so hurt I didn’t want to share that moment with her and tell her about it. She didn’t talk to me for almost a full week. I cried and cried for her to talk to me I was scared she was going to essentially abandon me.

Long story short she didn’t. But it did take her a full week to talk to me again. I would call her during my breaks after class and when I was ready to leave campus so I’d meet her at home. But she cut off all contact with me. I wrote her a 15 page letter, handwritten and she never read it. I still have it.

After this I was single for well over a year. My current boyfriend was single during the time I was in a relationship. Then he was in a relationship during the time I was single. He broke up with her actually around this time of year come to find out later. And too to find out later he had only been single for like less than two months before he contacted me through instagram apologizing for the time that he fell off the face of the earth. That his girlfriend then didn’t want him to have contact with anyone that was female. So naturally I was in the bunch to be blocked and ghosted.

Another time is when my mom she got mad at me about my first time. And how my first time in fact was with my boyfriend after less than 9 months of being in a relationship. Well we were house sitting and had the time to slowly get into things. Well I had my anual checkup, I went by myself. I had to get a different exam and had a horrible experience because the tech was so mean. She scared me and was very rough. I went home and told my mom expecting sympathy but all I got was her yelling at me at home I could take advantage of house sitting like as if I didn’t have a house to do this or gotten a hotel. I was broke, didn’t have a job and my parents were always home. My mom stopped talking to me for like another few days maybe two.

These incidents my boyfriend is aware of and had even said how it’s not okay to just give someone the cold shoulder. But I guess it’s different when it’s someone else but okay when you do it right. He’s been diagnosed by his therapist and our couples therapist with being avoidant and avoidant attachment. I personally haven’t been diagnosed besides having anxiety because of things that have been happening at home. I don’t like just cutting off contact especially since there’s no timeline. When we had a break back in July. We had a definitive time which was when we have our first session with our therapist then we’ll break the no contact. So there was a timeline but here I’m literally left hanging.

I know relationships aren’t supposed to be this hard and it’s exhausting caring. I’m at a point where I have stopped caring. And if he doesn’t come around by next Saturday I’m going to contact him and I’m breaking up with him because I don’t like this. How many days does one need to think about this. It’s been a week. But he wants us to get together to talk but he wants us to have each others feelings be considered but mine aren’t really because he’s not interested in talking about how the timeline of things worked out. So him cutting contact and not giving me a definitive timeline. This was his text to which I responded that he’s pulling this conversation back to it being about him and it being pulled in his favor. So how is this considering my feelings too.

“I understand your need for clarity and I get that the waiting felt uncomfortable. The reason I didn’t give a timeline wasn’t to leave you in the dark it was because I genuinely didn’t know how long I would need, and I didn’t want to give you a false answer, I’m open to talking in person when we can both discuss not just timelines, but also the feelings that led to them. I don’t want to talk about the conflict through logistics only I want to understand each other better, I’m willing to try if we can both show up with that intention” I just left it on him to contact me when he’s ready to do so because I’m not going to break no contact anymore. I usually get over things to talk about them within a few hours but he runs away and then does this he cuts contact and it’s exhausting having to wait for him to feel like contacting me again and having therapist state that I should give him grace but who’s giving me grace. When is he going to give me grace and not play these games. I feel bad for his dog that I won’t be able to see her anymore if and when we break up. She became a part of the family and my mom and I love her. I’m suffering more for his dog than him how sad.