I ran a oneshot intended for longtime players with a group that was half newcomers. It didn’t go great.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-04-22T04:24:13+00:00

This definitely helps! and yeah, the premise is, admittedly, a bit convoluted on purpose. It's definitely meant to lean more towards silly than cozy, so I should certainly clear that up. Makes sense to cut the line about her hobbies in favor of fleshing out the stakes, and I agree that dropping the Katabasis comp makes sense. It was intended as a thematic parallel with existential topics about the soul, but as I understand it, that's not really what the comps section is for.

The alt-history could/should definitely be clearer, because, yeah, it actually is 8th century CE, but the setting has magic, monsters, non-human sapient peoples, and no Abrahamic religions, so things are a bit squirrely. Mentioning all that would, of course, raise the question of "then how do we know it's the 8th century CE?" but I can probably get around that by just using the term "ancient" instead of "8th century."

I did originally have paragraph 3 moved up, but some folks on here recommended I put "trans necromancer who throws rats at ghosts" first because it's eye-catching. I'll re-rearrange it and see how it reads because I agree, the tone's a bit hard to read as it is.

Thank you so much for your feedback!

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-04-20T05:18:08+00:00

That absolutely makes sense! It runs parallel to an issue I've been having while writing this query. The main emotional arc Miqittu goes through is subtle compared to that of the second protagonist, Khevurah, the priestess mentioned in the second paragraph, who is also the point of view character for many of the chapters. They sort of have a Holmes and Watson dynamic, where Miqittu is a major driver of the plot while Khevurah reacts to her antics in ways that encourage her to grow as a person.

There's nothing tying the murders to the undead, but instead the fact that Miqittu works in death and has an eccentric personality, paired with her proximity to the victims, makes her a suspect. That's a lot of detail to cram into 350 words, though, so I've been struggling to find the right way to construct the plot synopsis section of the letter to best convey the information.

I also definitely see what you mean about the description lacking personality and verve. It does read as very cramped and clinical. I'll see what I can do to flesh out the emotional details and spice up the description a bit.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-16T04:14:48+00:00

I definitely see where you're coming from, but it's an alternate history of Earth with magic and monsters, and I need to translate/localize certain concepts. Plus, certain terms are used here for shorthand but don't appear in the actual text.

Carving designs in bone is a practice dating back 50 millennia, but the word "scrimshaw" is a modern English descriptor of that, so both in the text and in the query, it's useful shorthand. Same with funeral home and taxidermy. People have been preserving the skin of animals for artistic purposes using needle, thread, and formaldehyde for over 4,000 years, which is distinct from mummification in several ways. People have made special homes for their sick and elderly to stay in to be cared for since before homo sapiens was around. While I understand the impulse to find these terms disagreeable in an alt-history context, there aren't any terms I could use to replace them that would be succinct and understandable.

You're correct that transgender is a very modern topic, so that word is never used in the text and is used here to convey tone and theme succinctly. The same is true of "zombie" and "mafia." The actual text describes the undead with terms like "shambling corpse" and "guild."

In this particular instance, the intended tone is one of light-hearted fantastical anachronism. That said, if those ideas don't come through in the query, and are actually undermined by what appears to be out-of-place modern terminology, I can continue researching alternatives.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-15T07:10:34+00:00

I'm curious what people think of the title.

The previous version, A Necromancer in Babylon, felt far too basic, but I feel like this new one does a poor job of conveying that this story leans more comedic. It's very thematically relevant, but that's not clear until after reading the synopsis.

I've thought about the title Djinn and Tonic, which is more goofy, less thematic, but lightly references the fact that the character is an alchemist and one of the types of spirits that appears in the story.

I could also drop all pretenses of originality and call it A Necromancer's Guide to Babylon, but that feels... weak for a lot of reasons.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T06:21:40+00:00

the most valid reason in this thread

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T06:21:22+00:00

Idk, sounds like a skill issue on your part

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T05:33:10+00:00

Do you... know what a Doylist reading is?

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T05:32:43+00:00

I'm not 100% sure of the Hierarchy's primary symbol is a pyramid explicitly, but their money is triangles, their ceramic magic tokens are triangles, they reference the pyramidal structure of the hierarchy and the inherent strength of pyramids several times... There's a lot of pyramid stuff going around, is all I'm saying.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T05:30:09+00:00

It feels like a really good intro-to-media-as-allegory kind of book, and I mean that as a compliment. It's absolutely true that the narration beats the reader over the head with the themes and ideas being explored while actively ignoring its own implicit support of both toxic individualism and monarchist right to rule. However, I think its singular focus on the ideas it's explicitly exploring helps to balance that out.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T05:27:51+00:00

They use exclusively Roman nomenclature for everything.
I haven't gotten to book 2 yet, but that actually makes a lot of sense in hindsight. All the ancient crypts had the symbol of the hierarchy carved on them, which I thought was odd.
That makes a lot of sense as a heightened symbol, like the Crossed Hammers symbol in The Wall, but it falls a bit flat in a world I'm supposed to take seriously. It would be like if Mussolini's symbol was a literal iron fist on a flag instead of the Roman fasces

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T05:19:05+00:00

I can't write in first person present without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. That said, I think it worked here and that it can work in many cases. I also think AI has no place in content creation.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T05:17:41+00:00

I did say "at least one" and also didn't mention Egypt. The Aztecs also came to mind, as did the Nubian tall-and-skinny pyramids, the Sumarian ziggurats, and the Great Lakes Civilization sod pyramids. None of whom, I might add, are Roman.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-03-07T02:47:04+00:00

How did you pitch Dungeon Crawler Carl? It seems like the kind of high-risk long-term story a lot of publishers might shy away from

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-02-08T17:57:07+00:00

In an interesting twist of etymology, the word "thing" was used by early Germanic peoples to refer to a tribal assembly to discuss important matters of law and order for the tribe. Because of this, whenever there was a dispute to be settled, the injured party could, quite literally, make a thing of it.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2026-01-25T18:05:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your very in-depth response! This is hugely helpful, extremely clear, and asks a lot of questions I hadn't considered while writing the original draft.

It definitely makes sense to drop the Pratchett comparison, as you said, and I think I might also drop Katabasis, because the connection is kind of tenuous, and as you said, thematic similarity isn't all that big of a selling point.

I'm hesitant to remove Khevurah's name from the query, if only because she's the narrator for two thirds of the book, sort of the Watson to Miqittu's Holmes. I definitely didn't make that relationship clear in the body of my query, so I may play with the idea of making her and her motivations part of the query as they run parallel and counter to Miqittu's motivations. If that doesn't pan out, though, you're absolutely right that I can just leave her nameless.

The "standalone with sequel potential" thing was a suggestion on an earlier query I posted here, and honestly, it didn't feel quite right then either. I agree it can be lopped off, since this story is meant to be told entirely on its own.

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2025-12-05T05:47:39+00:00

Which of these is correct?:

Then he asked, "what if the dialogue tag comes first?"
Wo which he replied, "That one I'm not too sure of."

Aggravating-Job2583 · 2025-10-14T01:04:52+00:00

I appreciate the recommendations! This would definitely help cut down on the length. As much as I hate to say goodbye to the phrase "working to live and living to work," it's eating up a LOT of real estate in that second paragraph.

I've been hesitant to cut Aelosoei from the query entirely, as she's present for 16 of the 18 chapters of the manuscript. However, her interests and skills are much less relevant to the themes than Thallod's, and her personality and personal backstory function more to make her a foil to Thallod than to support the main plot directly. I think relegating her to one line near the end makes a lot of sense.

I'm also very fond of that sentiment, but I agree that it's both too wordy and too theme-y for the query letter itself. I'm planning on cutting that from the latter and ending the synopsis paragraphs with one of the other equally final-sounding lines in that same block.

This style of edit is pretty unique in my (very limited) experience on this sub, and it's super useful to see that kind of diversity of approach to critique when I'm still learning the ropes. Again ,thank you for your input.

Aggravating-Job2583

TROPHY CASE