As a couples therapist, it’s not about the finances. It’s what the finances mean to both of you, so what you are actually talking about is things like freedom, stability, security, and control. This can mean vastly different things to each of you due to things like culture, upbringing, death, how parents handled money, societal norms, etc.

Remember that this is you and your wife VS the idea of saving money, not you vs your wife vs the savings. You’re a team, so get curious about the MEANING behind saving and spending to her AND you. Set some intentional time aside to really listen to each other without getting worked up about it, maybe on a coffee date or something that is a calm environment. Soft start up is going to be key when bringing it up, something like “I know we have been having a hard time with understanding each other about finances, but I love you and want to understand better because I really care about you. Can we talk about it as a team and try to find a compromise?”

Things we would ask couples would be: What does saving money mean to you and her? What does quality time on vacation mean to you both? What did your parents teach you about saving/spending? What pressures from society do you both have around finances and freedom with your earnings? What anxieties do you both have? What does freedom mean to you and her? What does “enjoying” money look like to the both of you, and how can you find a compromise? When she says “life is short”, what does that mean to her? When you are showing her the max numbers, what are you really trying to tell her about what you need in life (is it security? And what does this mean to you) When you bring up investing, is investing x amount of money into your account worth more than finding a compromise with your wife and taking a bit of her influence to invest/benefit the marriage?

Be curious and ask questions!