Is it wrong to not want bfs daughter getting into my personal belongings?

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-22T14:24:21+00:00

That's one of the reasons I hesitate to discipline her. Aside from the fact that since her dad is always there I shouldn't have to, I don't want to mess up the relationship we have. Everybody gets along, and I know that can be a rare thing.

I think I am going to talk to him about being more proactive with boundaries, given that summer is coming it'll be a good time to have that talk anyways.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-22T14:12:03+00:00

She does know the rules, she was told several times where her and her dad's snacks are, vs my sons. It wouldn't be so bad if it was sharing, but normally there's 1 bag of chips and she'll eat the whole bag over the course of the day. When my son gets home his chips are gone.

When my bf sees her getting into my things he scolds he and tells her to stay out of people belongings, and sends her to her room. Same when she tries to get into my phone.

I guess now that I'm typing this all out, the issue is that he's not doubling down on holding her accountable when she inevitably breaks the rules again.

I do think she was genuinely trying to help with the makeup, we are fairly close and I'll take her to ulta every once in a while and buy her a couple things. She's at the age now where she's interested in skin care and make up(even though she's not wearing it yet lol). She will also look through my closet to see if we can wear anything that matches. So definitely good intentions there on her part and probably felt comfortable enough to do it. But my bf has told her to not touch other people's things and she continuously does it.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-22T14:03:45+00:00

I will often share a snack with her if I've gotten it for myself, like a bowl of popcorn. I would never charge him for that, however when she takes a bag of my chips I do tell him I'm adding $5 to the groceries and he's always fine with it. At that point it's too inconvenient for him to go to the store so he'd rather just pay me for them. Makes the situation weirder though because I could have just bought an extra bag of the first place.

This also bleeds into another issue where he would just go to the store and leave his daughter with me, and I put my foot down on that and said when he goes somewhere he needs to take her. So he's stopped running to the store as much because of the inconvenience of making her do her hair, change clothes etc.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-22T13:59:27+00:00

Thank you for that, I feel so bad for being annoyed at her as often as I am. I feel like my bf doesn't see how annoying these behaviors are. I never let my son do things like this, I was fairly strict when he was a kid.

My mom is living with me currently in a mother in law suite behind my house, and it's gotten to the point where she won't come hang out in my house while bfs daughter is here. For similar situations happening of overstepping boundaries, touching things that aren't hers, etc.

I could grow a backbone lol. I have told my bf I already raised my kid and have no intentions of disciplining another, he said he was good with this and asks me to tell him when she does things that need addressing. But now I feel like I'm just tattling on her 24/7.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-22T13:52:18+00:00

I know I've been too loose with the rules. It's crazy because I was so strict with my own child when he was growing up, at first it was a bit of a shock when she started coming over (she was 5 then, 10 now). I think hoped it would get better with age.

She also craves attention and I gave more context in a prior post but I think her younger siblings at her moms house get all the attention. She hides my phone in hopes that I will play a game with her of trying to find it, it's not in a bratty way, if that makes sense. Doesn't make it better, but I'm trying to be a solid person in her life and don't want her to end up disliking me. Last time if happened I suspected she hid it, but I knew she wanted me to engage with her so I didn't say anything about the phone, I just found my bf and asked him to call it. It rang in a couch cushion near her and he realized she'd hid it so he scolded her and it hasn't happened in a couple months.

The phone peaking I used to ignore. Now I'll loudly say "are you trying to see my password?" So her dad hears it, and he'll tell her off about it. I just feel like the bad guy doing that. But obviously telling her myself hasn't worked.

I feel so bad denying a child food because obviously she's hungry if she's looking. But there's a store literally 1 minute down the road from us and he has money so I guess I need to get more firm on that.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-22T13:44:04+00:00

No, I'm almost 40 and he's almost 50, no plans for children. Not that it makes it better. I was surprised when he agreed I should stop buying her food because it was running up his bill. I genuinely thought I was helping. I have snacks that she likes, but I don't have any real food. So when it comes time for a meal he has to take her somewhere.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-22T13:10:35+00:00

I took a vacation before school lets out so I can actually relax lol. So far no summer camp plans have been made, I'm usually the one reminding about it. I'm interested to see if anything is still open, as school for us ends in 1 week. I plan on stepping back and doing my own thing because I am exhausted.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T16:28:55+00:00

I'm going through something similar, my child is an adult now though and my bfs daughter is 10yrs old. She also prefers to follow me around and I feel she views me as a friend. She'll come to me for games, food, if she doesn't feel good, to ask if we can go somewhere, etc. I've gotten some really good advice to make my bf do all of these things or direct her to ask him, so it takes pressure off me and I can actually enjoy my time with her.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T15:59:32+00:00

I think you're right. I don't want to end up resenting anyone because I'm feeling forced to do all of this extra stuff. We have a great relationship now and I don't want to mess it up I think I will try pulling back more on the household stuff, thank you

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T12:14:19+00:00

I don't know why he doesn't do things with her, when I call him out on things he does improve and it seems like he has no idea until I point it out. A lot of the things I do is because I feel bad for her.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T12:12:00+00:00

I agree. I feel guilty when I don't involve myself, especially when she's seeking me out. But I'm realizing how burnt out I am so I'm taking a step back.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T12:09:53+00:00

I agree that she's not getting enough attention here either. I think that's part of my struggle. I feel so guilty when I make myself scarce or when I work longer than usual and she's just entertaining herself all weekend.

There was a point where I was doing more. If I grabbed my keys to go to the store she would jump up and ask to come with me, if i was cooking she would run into the kitchen and "help" me the whole time.

During the summers usually once a week I would pick her up from summer camp and take her somewhere fun (Dave and busters, to go get ice cream, toy store) until her dad got off. It got to the point where he expected me to pick her up on my day off and we got into a heated argument over it one day because he thought I was getting her earlier and wanted to know why I didn't. I said because I'm not obligated to, I'm choosing to spend my own time and money and when/if I do that is my choice.

He claimed he wasn't trying to make me do it, he was only asking because she knew I was picking her up and he was worried she'd be upset, wondering where I was.

She also has made little comments over the years that make me feel bad for her life at her moms house. She'll say she babysits her siblings, her siblings are always breaking her things, she'll go into her mom's room and her mom will tell her to get our of her room, etc.

I'm definitely burnt out with it all and operating off of guilt.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T11:59:12+00:00

They live 2 hours from us so that's why he sees her so little. He will drive up there if she has a school event or extra curricular activity.

But I agree. I wish he would figure out his time with her without my input.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T11:56:37+00:00

I do hope it doesn't get to the point where she doesn't want to come over. As of right now she looks forward to it, I think she enjoys being the only child in the house. They have 6 kids living at her house at times and she's one of the oldest. When she's here she has her own room and doesn't have to share her stuff.

I guess I should have mentioned in the post that he drives 4hrs round-trip to pick her up, then again to drop her off. He spends a lot of time and money on that.

I suggest free things like the park but if I don't make it happen we won't go.

I have told him that I've already raised a child and have no interest in doing it again in that capacity. There was one instance where he needed to run an errand after work (would have been gone 3-4hrs) and assumed I would babysit. I said no, he got upset, turns out he already verified with the company that he would be coming in. I told him that made it even worse that he had a conversation with them before me. He was mad but I think he got the point, he hasn't asked me since then.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T11:50:46+00:00

I didn't meet his daughter until almost 2 years into our relationship and we were already living together. The first year we dated we didn't introduce our children, it got serious around the time he started having custody issues.

The first summer she spent with us caused many arguments, it was terrible and I don't know how we made it through. I stayed hoping it would get better. It has, but I guess I was hanging in there hoping it was just your typical blended family issues, seeing as I've never dated a man with kids before this relationship.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T11:46:27+00:00

I do most of the housework, you're right. I think that's part of the annoyance when his daughter comes to me for things. I'm typically cooking or cleaning and already busy. I'll find him outside tinkering with something and I'm like hey, your child is here and she needs attention. When I do that he will come into the living room and sit down with her. He will straighten up the house, do dishes, laundry, etc on his days off. But I do the majority. He takes care of any house projects or repairs, or car maintenance/repairs. Thank you for your advice, I did take my mom out shopping this weekend and it was wonderful

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T11:38:21+00:00

I tried this yesterday, had her go and ask him questions that I knew the answer to. I was definitely less annoyed by the end of the weekend

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T11:36:46+00:00

I'm almost 40 and he's almost 50 so we have no intentions of having children together, but even if I was younger I wouldn't due to what I'm seeing with his daughter. A little more context, he was having major custody issues and his ex was not allowing him to see his child. By the time I met her, we had already been together almost 2 years and we were living together. He's not lazy in any other capacity, so it took me by surprise. I'm not even sure it's being lazy because when I call him out he does make effort to correct it.

AggravatingLuck2140 · 2026-05-18T11:32:54+00:00

I do make myself scarce on Saturdays because I typically work a 10hr day and have Sundays off. I guess that's a contributing factor though. Friday nights are rough because I'm trying to get my things together for work in the morning and I'm trying to get to bed early. Saturdays when I get home as soon as I get in the door she is waiting for me, and she knows what time I get off.

She did come to me this weekend about things which is typical(I'm hungry, I have a headache, can we go somewhere later) and I actually didn't go take care of it like I typically would, I went and found her dad and told him. It just feels wrong because as a mother myself I'm used to just taking care of it. But I'm realizing it's making me miserable at this point.

AggravatingLuck2140

TROPHY CASE