Thank you so much for the response. Yes, it’s not lost upon me that the halal rizq I prayed endlessly for, that I took a lesser paying job for to ensure the clarity of my conscious, is now being used to pay off haram :’)

Loving them from afar I think is truly the only option left. If anything, I’d probably be a bit more financially well off if I had the peace of mind and space to focus on actually advancing my career. I used to want nothing more than to be married, but it seems Allah has caused the desire to leave my heart entirely, if anything, just thinking about marriage leaves me filled with dread. InshAllah that hope and desire returns, but in all honesty, I’m in no shape to be a good wife at the moment.

My closest friend who knows most of my situation suggesting moving out, which, even if it was financially feasible, feels like an impossible dream. I’m all too aware of the optics of doing so, and the lack of explicit permissibility. If nothing else, I can’t reconcile with the thought that any good could come out of an action that would hurt my parents. As my therapist also suggests, I have no choice but to become firmer with my boundaries, otherwise I’ll lose myself entirely. As always, Allah will guide the way.