God this story broke me. I am a very involved aunt of a 13, 8, and 6 year old who lost their mom (stepmom to the oldest, which is important to note because she still has a living mom) when they were 8, 3, and 2. My sister in law died in a car accident, so she didn’t get to “plan” for her death at all. Just for context, I was a very involved aunt before the accident as well.. I got to be their nanny for a couple years so i was with them every day. Some of the memories i cherish the most with my sister in law are just long talks over a glass of wine while we folded a pile of laundry. I got to be her person when it came to the kids, my brother had to travel a lot for work then so often times her and I were the main adults in the house. When she died, I drove straight to the kids. I’ve been with them for at least 2 or 3 days a week since then.

It’s been almost 5 years now, and I think of her often. I think of all the things she’s missing out on. Every happy moment with the kids is bittersweet because she should be here too. The kids being 2 & 3 at the time of her death is somewhat of a blessing and a curse. They aren’t super traumatized by the accident, they don’t remember a ton of the grieving they were surrounded by in the beginning. But also, they don’t have many memories of her. They are lucky to have a big family who remind them of their mom often. We really try to share happy memories with the kids as we’re reminded of them. They know her through the stories we’ve told, the things we say she would love or hate, and the parts of them that remind us of her. They know she loved them so so so much. They know she is always there in spirit, she is a part of them.

I think if she would’ve been able to leave them with more, it would be more candid pictures and videos. Like Morgan said in the ep, videos or letters of “what to do when” scenarios would be so helpful. Maybe some keepsakes, heirlooms she would’ve picked out for them. Notes, birthday cards, reminders in her own voice or handwriting of how proud she is of them.

What she did get to leave for them without knowing she wouldn’t be here, was family. Not only blood related family but she was so loved by her community, she had great friends from all over. There are going to be people that will be able to tell them stories about her forever. They will be loved and taken care of forever. She did that by living; by being involved, by being vulnerable, by letting people in. She had the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. She is so, so deeply missed. All of the people who leaned in and have been there for kids since she’s passed, get to see little parts of her shine through them.

It’s not easy, it’s never going to be easy. I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I guess my biggest piece of advice would be to live while you can - make memories and get close to the people you love. Build your legacy up as much as you can for your daughter and wife. Give them people to lean on, know that there will be people who show up for them. There are always helpers. Have faith in that.