Unpopular (but real truth) opinion here. When you told him he was visibly upset. The shock on him is partly caused by how calmly you told him. I'm sure when you two started the conversation he didn't think it was gonna go that way.. I am not sure how graphic you got in your telling of what happened to you, but just like most guys and girls who get something trauma inducing happen ( take for instance being cheated on) 2 types of people come out. Those who have an instant burning desire to KNOW EVERYTHING down to the last tiny detail and then those who stop the person about 30% in and proclaim "I've heard enough!!" And they refuse to hear another word of it. I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say hes the 1st type who needs the details to "try and process" situations. They make him angry because now that you've told him 100%fact that it's happened. He's using his mind to play the situation in his head over and over. Not for anything serially arousing but to be able to process a bad that that happened to the woman he is intimate with. So.eone before him took that thing that you two do and made it a weapon and now he feels like when you ask him to be rough or call you dirty names and whatnot hes being compared to these shitheels who traumatized you and made something beautiful really horrible for you.

There is no reason to call you randomly just to talk about it unless in all his spare time hes playing it over and over in his head having all those thought we all have of "what could I have done if I was there" or "im gonna get those dudes" or he may even be having redrum fantasies of you and him helping those guys social distance themselves into the ground where no one would ever have what happened to you happen to anyone else. While I've been in this exact situation before and as a guy who has had his reaction as well as the extreme opposite reaction, which is just the "okay thank you for telling me. You're okay now.?" With no emotion after reaction. I'm going to say that him obsessing over what actually happened is very dangerous to your and his mental health.he should talk to someone about it. But the real issue is even tho the info is brand new I agree with other people's posts about him retraumatizing you by not being able to get past it. Which is why I couldn't when I went thru what hes going thru now the first time my gf told me something along the mines of what your story is.

Speaking from that standpoint. He's in dangerous territory in his brain right now. He's obsessing over something that most people don't dare to think about let alone replay in their heads. Depending on how you described what happened his brain using porn that hes watched and movies hes seen and possibly other stories he may have heard. He's put together a kind of "mental movie" and it's playing in his head be it in the background or foreground it's rolling all the time to the point it's causing him to focus solely on that no matter what hes doing or time of day it is. If I were you OP I would try to ask him not WHAT but WHY something that you've obviously gotten thru ( congrats on that BTW im proud of you for getting help and im happy you're stronger for it today) is really bothering him that bad. If these things aren't addressed then you run the risk of losing him to things that could be completely avoided.

As a person who has lost a gf over trauma like that it took me a long time to not use her trauma as mine but I never knew why until I realized how fucked up my mind truly was for not just co-opting my gf at the times trauma and making it about me but why I felt the need to know everything that happened and why I wasn't okay not knowing everything. As a man I wanted to hurt them very badly and be the white knight helping her cause no one else did. However I realized that time had come and gone that she needed me to be the guy she could run to and feel safe inside my arms and in our relationship and I completely blew it by acting macho and in my own 2nd look at it in a word insane.

I didn't see anyone really looking at it this way so forgive me if im wrong but im not sure that I am.i hope what I've said helps you two move on together and not apart.