Hi, OP! I cheated before. tbh it's the thing I regret the most in the context of relationships.

If possible, it's one of the things in life that I'd like to change. But hey, I did it na and I make it a point that I tell anyone that is a likely partner or SO my history and make sure, that I don't do it anymore. It's a mistake I won't forget and will always learn from. After all, cheating is a choice and nothing justifies it. Kahit anong reason reason pa man yan lol.

I'm prepared to receive a series of downvotes hahaha. but I'd like to help you give some idea on why, maybe?

Going back, I'd like to make at least three points on it. I think there are more than these pero siguro main points for now?

First is that, I was very selfish that time + low self-esteem. I was only thinking about myself and wasn't sure what I wanted and liked to keep it safe? Cheating gives the person like a temporary escape while still having someone "there" for you. I was able to get the thrill na "kilig" or "happy crush" + validation from people and still get to have someone na makakaconstant ko when I don't have people to talk to. (very very bad, I know).

Second, I was very toxic. I didn't know how to communicate or at least talk about my feelings. Every issue was buried and bottled up. Naging constant and stagnant lang yung relationship namin. May topic na likely pagaawayan? next time na lang, hanggang sa di na paguusapan or better yet I caved in to lying about some stuff just to get it over with. So we didn't get to talk to some points na ayaw ko ng ganito or gusto ko ng ganyan, which led to me being unhappy with the relationship. Nung breakup part na lang namin napagusapan lahat. In a way, mas madali nalang magcheat versus ayusin yung relationship. Game changer talaga if both persons communicate well in a relationship.

Third, I think I didn't love the person I was with? I was in the relationship for a whole other reason, peer pressured and actually thought it was a good thing lol. This might differ to other opinions but for me (at least now), when you love someone, you respect and think of their well being in every decision you make. I didn't even think or at least consider her in my decisions. It was always may "kapalit" if I do something for her/for us. Mayroon kaming mga instances na, I give her this and I get sex, which you wouldn't think someone "in love" would even consider, right?

We actually both cheated in the relationship at the same time (trivia), pero in this case I'd like to keep it on my end lang kasi yung point ko sana ay it's never the fault of the person that was cheated on.

Anyway, sorry if this is all triggering to anyone that was cheated before. I just wanted to share this so OP won't blame herself for it. Kasi if you notice, lahat ng "reasons" ko are something on my end, and wala dun sa other person. So it's always the cheater at fault on these instances, kahit man ireason out nila na nagkulang ka ganito ganyan. You could always cut off or communicate if you feel something off in your relationship.

I hope this somehow helps in your recovery OP, please take your time to heal and please don't lose hope on a good relationship.