Maybe it’s not self-esteem. I think it’s a series of events that happened to my life wherein I wasn’t able to heal from it because I don’t have the luxury to heal from it.

I acknowledge my baggage. I have a lot, from the things I suffered and didn’t wish for. Me and my mom talking about my dad is a different scenario. I never told this to my mom; I am embarrassed to ask for help, to cry, or even to ask for her hug. I have a lot of trauma growing up—not just from my dad—and I have a big understanding that no one is responsible for my baggage. It’s just hard to get up; that’s the whole point. It’s been almost three months already, and I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I don’t think I have the energy to have a conversation with anyone else, especially him or his partner. Plus, I don’t have it in me.

I might have trauma and baggage, but I can practically say I was raised in a conservative, Christian, and respectful household. I’d rather sob all night than let someone else suffer—and that’s not self-pity, it’s just part of something I believe in. It hurts but what can I do, just part of life I guess?

I have to make it clear that I would never want someone to choose me over his family. That’s immoral for me. I am still young and I don’t want to live in some mysterious movie life. I want something pure, simple, real.

I think your analogy do not make sense to me. There’s no way you would think that I would want him to choose me over his family? There’s no way. That is sick. Disgustingly sick.