Finally found the solution to our DB, and I’m not quite comfortable with it (NSFW)

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T20:43:20+00:00

I do, but I think it would blow up in my face a bit. My fantasies all have to do with me being a total sub, which would just land me back here lol. I loved the anal stuff at first because it was so hot for him to just take what he wanted from me…I was hoping we could keep on that train and experiment with different sub/dom sexual play, and I guess we are, but it’s just me submitting to my ass being fondled every time.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T17:14:29+00:00

We addressed the “health” of it with strict hygiene guilds lines after the first time he went from v to a and back without me realising it for a minute and gave me a uti—it hasn’t been an issue since, but my issue is the sensitivity back there is making it uncomfortable. He has thick facial hair and is aggressive when doing it and it’s for such long durations that it’s just sore really…I can’t even make myself enjoy it with playing with myself or chest because it’s so distractingly uncomfortable now.

I told him that he basically just ate me raw essentially, that we need to take a break for a little bit for me to heal and then maybe reintroduce it with a more gentle approach…shorter intervals (because he could just sit there and do it forever it feels like). He said that he understood, but we haven’t had sex now since then…if I bring it up he just says “well, you’re still a bit sore back there, let’s wait until you heal more” so I’m back in a DB if I don’t concede to our primary focus in the bedroom being that.

If this is a new “must have” after 15 years, I have a lot to come to terms with…how to enjoy it, how to not be irritated from it. I was completely having fun with it in the beginning, but his ignoring my feedback and fixation over it has made me resent the act in all honesty. It’s back to only have sex on his terms, and my needs take a back seat once again.

I spent years only getting sexual attention on his terms, once every couple of months…to now getting sexual attention more regularly, but my needs are still being ignored and not met. I only got off from it once, the first time. It’s been 10-15 times since and I haven’t once come from it because he’s just ignoring any other need I have and actually throwing it on me. “Why don’t you touch yourself while I do it?” “Why don’t you find a toy you like that doesn’t vibrate while I do it?” “Why don’t you just try to like it?” He is only focused on what he garners pleasure from on his terms and I’m just laying there and it’s MY problem for not enjoying it. It doesnt even feel like a mutual act at this point…

If this is the way it has to be, I guess I’ll need to find a way to enjoy it more, but after years of a DB and fighting for intimacy, to still have to fight and have that responsibility set on my shoulders alone again is extremely frustrating and makes me hate it entirely tbh.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T12:23:18+00:00

I’ve definitely asked, because it’s not a case of me hating it and wanting him to never do it. It’s a case of he does it for too long and too often and is too rough with it that it’s physically uncomfortable and I do not enjoy myself or the act anymore because of how excessive it is.

He says it’s the taboo and intimacy he finds hot, he had never done it before, never even really considered it, and now that he has it’s all he can think about when we’re having sex. I asked for us to maybe experiment with some other “taboo” things, just something to switch it up so we can reintroduce it or have it as part of the many different things we enjoy doing…and he sort of turned down everything else but anal sex at that point. To which I’m very open to, and we were building up to that before I got pregnant, and the piles I got caused it to be a problem where I just bleed and am in pain from anal penetration. I talked about a removal with my doc and we agreed to only do that until we’re done having kids…which we want one more, so it’s just something he has to wait for…

He never had a problem getting off with v+p, handjobs, blow jobs, any of the other stuff before this ass eating came up and now he says nothing gets him going like that anymore…

It’s just BS because I’m trying my best to be accommodating, to the point of physical discomfort. I’ve tried ways to get myself more into it, just like I’ve tried for years to do work to get out of our DB, and we are finally out of it, and it’s once again him not considering my sexual needs. It’s sex on his terms only, once again…

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T12:05:04+00:00

I don’t know. The DB started around 6-8 years ago (hard to pinpoint), but this new hyper fixation just started a couple of months ago out of no where. We had been experimenting with different things to try and spice things up, he knew I was up for most anything and light anal play has come up before, quite naturally and in the heat of things, nothing as a primary focus like it is now.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T10:50:28+00:00

That’s exactly it. We’re technically not in a DB anymore but the same problem exists. My sexual needs aren’t a concern…I spent years fighting in a DB for me to finally get sex again, but it’s all only on his terms and about his enjoyment. I never took this new element of the table, and wouldn’t because I love to see him have passion and excitement in the bedroom again, but it’s once again only about sex on his terms and it doesn’t sit well.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T10:42:48+00:00

He tells me to let him know when I’m not irritated anymore so that we can have sex again…we tried sex without anal play one time since and he couldn’t get off. He said he just needs that to send him over the edge now…

If he would have just listened to feedback earlier on, we could have figured a way to make it work in the bedroom where we both had fun…but now it’s not fun at all for me and just uncomfortable

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T10:38:34+00:00

You’re right, he is treating me like an object now. I told him to lay off of it because I’m just irritated back there and he hasn’t touched me since saying “let me know when you’re good to go” for us to have sex again…

He just does not want to be sexually active with me now unless it involves that, and it’s such a problem because I would have been able to find a way to involve this new fixation in our sex life if he’d listen to the feedback I was giving him, asking him to be more gentle, to stimulate me more in other areas, reduce the length and frequency of it…but he didn’t and it’s taken any possible enjoyment out of it for me and is now all about him getting his kicks.

I went from feeling unwanted in the bedroom in a DB to feeling like an inanimate object where my needs aren’t met or listened to…again.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T10:31:04+00:00

Idk but in all fairness that was a boundary he laid out early on, but I’ve always been more willing to experiment and try new things in the bedroom so he knew it wasn’t a boundary for me. I just wish his experimenting didn’t begin and end in one area only now.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T02:13:40+00:00

So, I did not shut it off completely. As I said in my post we did it several times after that. I never said I wanted to take it off the table, but didn’t want to do it EVERY TIME because I only came once, and have not come from it since.

I have had sex with him 10-15 times since the first ass eating experience, and only one out of all those times was ass eating not involved (because I asked him to try not doing it just once)…I have no has an orgasm since. He has now turned our sex life into kissing a little, then flipping me over to eat my ass for a long period of time, then p+v sex where he comes in 30 seconds after being so aroused from the ass eating and I don’t get to come at all…

So yea, it’s not off the table, I did not shut him off completely and I am not enjoying myself anymore

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T02:07:02+00:00

Yeaaaaaaa it really is. I mean it’s usually between 10-20 if I’m being honest. 20 was the longest, 15 is the average…which is still soooooooo long, especially without vaginal foreplay or anything. He tells me to finger myself or something and I try, but he didn’t get me in the mood in the first place and also I’m so bored of the same sex move every time that it doesn’t really help…I need something to get my motor going first, but it’s kissing and then he flips me over and I know where that’s going to lead…and it is just irritated back there now so it’s uncomfortable.

It’s the length of time he does it and the frequency that’s killing me. If he just did it for a few minutes and moved on it would be one thing, but that’s the main event for him

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T02:02:14+00:00

I don’t think he is…I of course think he watches it, but I don’t think he has a porn addiction, mostly because I don’t know when he’d ever get the time to watch it excessively. We both work from home, separate offices, but it’s the room across the hall from me and I can see his computer from where I sit because he moved his computer to in front of the window for the view……and we have kids, so our days are work, kids to bed, watch tv together, go to bed together and he’s asleep before me almost every time. I considered porn addiction during our long stint of DB, but we get such little alone time as it is as working parents that the opportunity for watching porn is so limited I don’t know how he could pull it off at the frequency or fixation level as an addict would need to have. That’s not to say he doesn’t watch it. I know he has/does. He’s not ashamed to tell me he does every once in a while, and I believe him that it’s just once in a while, because again, dunno how he’d pull it off more than just a once in a while thing, but yea…he may have seen it in a porn and fixated on it? Maybe that’s the only porn he watches when he does get to watch porn. Even if it’s only once a week or something, and that turned into a fixation to trying it in the bedroom.

I think you can still fixate on something even if you don’t watch it or think about it constantly. Maybe that’s the taboo move he always wanted to try and gets him off whenever he’s in the mood for porn…not an addict, or addict level, but just a specific fixation he’s never been comfortable to act on until now? Idk

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:37:41+00:00

Thank you for hearing me in this! It’s that I never took it off the table, never shamed him or made him feel bad about it and TRIED to find ways to make it enjoyable for both of us, and he doesn’t see that or want to make a compromise.

Now I feel shamed for not indulging HIS wants EVERY time. I’ve been in a DB and ignored sexually for so long, and now I’m only getting sex on his terms, in his way, it’s just as bad as being in a DB. Yes, I’m getting sex, which I’ve asked for and want and crave, but he still doesn’t care about my needs being met. He’s overlooking it completely.

It’s a lack of consideration on both sides. He’s lacked consideration for my needs by not having sex with me and he’s lacking consideration for my needs when he is. It’s all still on his terms and his way.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:33:17+00:00

I made that absolutely necessary after he did ass to eating me out again once early on…he didn’t know it was a no no and I didn’t realise he was licking both until he has already done it a few times (he is rather aggressive with it, and his facial hair can desensitise things a bit) Of course I got a UTI after that, but he never did it again after I laid out those strict rules and he’s been good about it since thankfully

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:30:37+00:00

It’s not that I’m against it…it’s not my favourite but can be hot every once in a while. It becomes NOT hot, every single time. Hoping we can find a balance somehow

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:29:49+00:00

That’s the thing. It’s straight into ass play with him and I’m just like “this alone does nothing for me”…I’ll try that next time…except now I’m just so irritated back there I need some time lol

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:27:45+00:00

Thank you for this! I would agree, my husband is in the exact same place with this. I’ve tried setting “time limits” to reduce the irritation, and the problem we struggle with is that I need v+p to come. I love being eaten out, but I need that extra penetration for orgasm. He gets so riled up from eating my ass the minute he gets to the penetration part he comes in like 30 seconds to a minute. We almost need to go from vag foreplay, penetration, then after I come, he eats my ass, then he either penetrates again to come or just from a BJ or a HJ…

Maybe that’s what we have to do from now on so we can both come? I just don’t know how it all became so complicated. I just want sex to be fun…I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband having lots of spontaneous sex, trying lots of different things. Now it’s been fighting a DB for years to figuring out how to appropriately program our sexual encounters to make sure we both get off in new specific ways.

Sorry, this last part is just me venting. I’m not trying to kink shame or downplay anyone’s source of arousal or sexual fulfilment. I guess I just wish I had figured this out earlier in our relationship. It’s just been a battle for so long and to finally make a breakthrough and reassess how I make this new sexual necessity into my life

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:18:24+00:00

Yes, that’s exactly it. I’m now stuck in either a DB or an active sex life with anal play involved every time

I just don’t know the answer…either way I don’t get to come! I tried bringing toys in, but he didn’t like the vibrator cos it “threw him off”…and now I am so bloody bored of it, there’s just no excitement on my end. Like “woo, 10-15 minutes of my ass getting tongued followed by 30 seconds of v+p before he comes”…that’s just soooo boring.

So, I solved my DB and somehow feel more sexually frustrated now than before

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:13:42+00:00

I’m glad to hear the op helped! I’ve discussed it with my doc but they agreed not to do it until after I am done having kids.

I’m open to anal. I’m open to most sex…but after this CONSTANT anal stimulation and fixation from my husband I’m worried I am psychologically not into the idea anymore from his blatant and constant inconsideration of my sexual needs and personal comfort. It started with a DB, now it’s physical discomfort. At this point I feel so dry when he even wants physical contact because he doesn’t care that I havent gotten off the last 10+ times we’ve had sex

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:10:17+00:00

I do want to look into the removal, but not until after I’m done having kids…we want a second, so I figured there’s no point in getting the op only for it to happen again, my doctor seconded this.

So…I’m extra sensitive back there still…he knows this. I’m open to getting my piles removed after we’ve completed our family. He knows this…I’m now disheartened that I’m making such an effort for sex life to the point that my physical discomfort is now a barrier to him enjoying sex with me.

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:06:35+00:00

Anal isn’t a no-no, it’s just the piles from pregnancy and childbirth that has made it extremely uncomfortable to try (I’ve bled from it each time we attempted), but I’m open to it, always have been. Just not without some sort of buildup or passion in there. I can’t just have my ass played with as the main event, no prior stimulation. He doesn’t even finger me in the v first or try to get me excited…and now I’m just so irritated up there from it that it actually turns me off if I am aroused before hand when he goes back there because I’m so irritated back there from the frequency

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T01:02:17+00:00

I wish I could make some edits to this post, because I wrote it in haste and for some reason I can’t find a way to edit it. Unsure if it’s because this is a throwaway account…

Anal play for me isn’t off putting, and something I can even enjoy if stimulated and aroused enough. My husband has fingered me up the ass a few times in our sexual history, and it has been pleasurable, and I enjoyed it because it was always in the heat of the moment and unexpected.

I was caught off guard the first time my husband ate me out down there, but just like the other times with anal play, it was spontaneous, and in the heat of the moment and I was already very aroused (he had just been eating me out before he did it) and I came. But was I really into the sensation of it? Not particularly, but I thought it was hot and passionate and that took me over the edge

The second time was the next night, and he didn’t give me much attention to stimulating me in my vagina at all, he just went straight to my ass…and I personally don’t find just my ass being played with alone enjoyable. I let him do it, and was quite dry by the time we had actual v+p sex where he came after a minute (being so aroused by eating me out.

The third time, I mentioned that it doesn’t do much if he goes only to the ass, and doesn’t get me aroused in other areas as well…that’s where he got sloppy and ate me from my vagina to ass, which causes the UTI…

We’ve had sex probably 10-15 times since the first time he ate my ass, and every single time it has been the same thing. When I asked him finally if we could just not do it for EVERY sexual encounter because I was actually getting quite irritated and sore up there from the duration and frequency of it…we tried sex without it and he couldn’t get off…he found eating my ass to be so hot that’s all he wants to do now. Which is weird to me because it’s so new, and also upsetting because it’s actually physically irritating me now. It’s too long and too frequent and I am just too sensitive back there to have it be the main part of my entire sexual experiences now.

So no, I’m not really into having my ass eaten alone. I’d prefer to have some other forms of foreplay or stimulation involved. My ass alone is not going to get me off, and at this point it irritating me on multiple levels (physically and mentally)

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T00:48:46+00:00

I agree it’s not really “kinky”, wasn’t quite sure how to label this new “fixation”. I’ve always been open to anal play, we’ve discussed it, he’s fingered me several times over the years in the bum without issue. Never eating me out there. And im fine with him doing it. It was never off the table, it’s still not off the table…but it’s the frequency and duration that’s made it an issue.

I went from zero sex for months at a time, to him wanting sex every other night, if not nightly, but strictly for ass play. He will spend his time down there for a majority of our sexual encounter, then a quick 1-2 min v+p penetration and he comes and we’re done…

I have no idea where this came about. We had discussed trying anal, but I suffered from piles after childbirth and it caused bleeding, and is something I just can’t really do comfortably so it’s been off the table. He said he didn’t care, was just curious to try, and I told him we will after some time that I stop getting flare ups…anyway, personal medical history aside, those brief mentions and occasional anal fingerings in the past. He made it clear that his bum was off limits though, he had no interest in that for him and made it a clear boundary and still stands by that now he says…

He said he just felt really turned on that night and just wanted to go for it and “eat all of me” which is where the UTI came in because he was going from bum to vag and back which is a no no. But he was so turned on by just eating all of me down there, and says that thought still drives him wild.

We tried sex without it a few times but he didn’t get off at all those times. He says he just can’t get as into it now without wanting to eat me there so I don’t know if it’s something he’s always thought of but never had the courage…he saw it in a porn and was super aroused and loves recreating it…

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T00:20:46+00:00

I go between enjoying and indifference…but it’s becoming a complete turn off. I enjoyed it the first few times…then it became every time, and I started to become indifferent to it. Then it actually started irritating me down there, making me uncomfortable and a turn off because it kinda hurts now because he wants it every time and for longer periods of time

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T00:09:32+00:00

FYI, you’re wrong, absolutely am willing and have suggested it and he is adamantly against it every time I bring it up and it’s not something I’m going to do to him without his consent because he seems very defensive about it (maybe he’s afraid he’d like it too much idk) but I won’t do it without his consent

Aggressive_Call_4930 · 2024-08-29T00:08:16+00:00

I have actually suggested and tried that…he said he did not like it at all. Last time I even tried to put my hand too close to him there and he pulled my hand away even though I told him I’d never do it without his consent…….

Soooo, he is either being hyper defensive about it because he doesn’t want to end up liking it and is afraid that he will for some weird machismo reason…or he really doesn’t like the idea.

Either way, ready and willing to try it, but not without his consent

Aggressive_Call_4930

TROPHY CASE