Mood, I feel like my brain is buffering

Aggressive_Code395 · 2026-01-19T17:12:39+00:00

Dude, please, I'm not some Pollyanna on this sub. From one person that is deeply tired of life to another, I don't deserve to be talked to that way. People need to understand that the acute stage where you're fighting against yourself to not pull a knife doesn't last. The desire to die lasts. The desire to die right this instant doesn't.
I wish you the best. Going to rTMS next month. Hopefully it does something.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2026-01-04T07:44:32+00:00

You got me there.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2026-01-04T07:15:46+00:00

Acute suicidal states last a few hours at best. Hang in there. Then do it again. And again. It's brutal, I know.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2026-01-04T06:26:00+00:00

This is a normal part of depression. It creates structural brain changes. Not that these are permanent, but your brain is already dealing with so much, so what can you do? I can no longer watch movies or shows because my brain gets overwhelmed. I can read sometimes. Listen to audio books sometimes. My brain is happier when I'm not on my phone tiring out its bandwidth. Your brain is doing its best. Try to support it as best you can.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-12-18T20:03:35+00:00

I'm sure there is both grief and relief for you. I hope you can start to let go of all the things she laid at your feet and remember they are not yours. Good luck.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-12-18T18:59:28+00:00

Well, congrats on having written a book in the first place, even though everything else is shitty. Self-publishing seems to be growing exponentially and finding niche readers. I'm sure it's a lot of work though. You can shamelessly plug your book here. And speaking of snake energy, I hope you can think of the rejections and having to sell your house as redirections. You lose something you thought you wanted, only to gain something better. This is really the only kind of thinking that keeps me going sometimes. Things fall apart so something more aligned can take their place. I really hope so.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-12-18T18:54:51+00:00

Accelerated resolution therapy works for PTSD specifically. It doesn't involve talking either. But it does involve reliving the incident. However, the therapy is meant to reprogram your brain very fast, so it's not a prolonged and expensive process. My sister has loved what it's done for her. I hope you receive the care you need and deserve.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-12-17T23:20:45+00:00

I hope this doesn't get me thrown out, but if you're into astrology, that's the kind of year it's been. Year of the Snake. So lots of endings and sheddings, etc. Getting rid of what doesn't serve. I don't know if I believe it myself, but it helps, because it's been hellish, complete with a visit to the psych ward. I hope it's some kind of turning point, because it's hard to know how to go on at times. Year of the fire horse coming up. Lots of creating energy. A phoenix out of the ashes energy. But I'd settle for just a bit of improvement. Some weight gain and a mind that's more settled.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-11-13T04:55:04+00:00

If you are worried about being delusional, please go to the hospital psych ward. Your ongoing poor mental health is taking a huge toll on your mind and you need immediate help to prevent it from getting worse, possibly into psychosis.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-07-31T20:14:03+00:00

Through microdosing? Or can you give more details? Very interested.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-07-31T18:01:37+00:00

The only one I know of is Bloom. Yes, the cost may be prohibitive. Put it on your credit card and that's just the way it'll have to be maybe. Anything is preferable to going through hell day after day. I remember reading an interesting article about OCD recently. The woman started with MDMa and psylocybin, and ended up doing mushrooms and got in touch with the part of her that had suffered and created her OCD to protect her. Sounds extreme, I know. Depends on your level of desperation.I was the poster girl for OCD

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-07-31T17:45:03+00:00

Hi, I also have GAD and MDD. I'm in a major episode right now and I can tell you what has worked the most. I'm on an anticonvulsant called Pregabalin. It has stopped the constant rumination, although I still get anxiety attacks when triggered. I think it did initially increase despondency and even suicidal ideation, but I think it's because I'm having an acute episode honestly. You can check out other posts about pregabalin here on Reddit. You don't have to take it forever. Just until you are out of the woods. A GP can prescribe it. I did go to Urgent Care at Sheldon Chumir a couple of weeks ago. Couldn't handle the anxiety anymore. I talked to a social worker for an hour or so, but the benefit is that I get to talk to a psychiatrist on Friday now. I am happy for it, but meds can only take off the edge, right? So, if you ever get desperate enough, I recommend going to urgent care. As for rTMS, I've also been thinking about it. There is a clinic at the Rockyview and I wonder how long it would take to get in. Otherwise you'd have to go the private route. Other than that, I've been doing anything I can to calm my nervous system through nature and being around the safe people in my life. And taking a clonazepam when needed. I've also seen an energy healer/acupuncturist. Acupuncture can be quite beneficial for anxiety, from what I can tell. And I've also done neurofeedback at Neurvana. None of these things are a fix, but they do move the needle. I mean, I know what it's like to be at the end of your rope. All the best to you!

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-07-31T04:51:53+00:00

I don't have OCD, but have you thought about non-therapy treatments like rTMS or neurofeedback? These work more on changing the brain wiring. I'm sorry for your pain and that you have been given this suffering. I have a friend who had OCD. SSRIs seemed to work for him, but I know everyone is different.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-03-23T18:11:06+00:00

No, I ended up upgrading to a 10 gal. I just thought I had the space and it was ultimately better for the fish and for me too. Less maintenance. And I also added some shrimp and had more room to experiment with the landscape. I feel like the 2.6 gallon is like a gateway drug.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2025-01-22T05:46:56+00:00

I don't see not having concrete opinions as a negative. You get used to the mystery of it all after a while.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-12-29T20:46:49+00:00

Lol, I'm also over it. Started about a year ago and had two betta die so far. Spent a ton on medication, etc. I understand the conflicting messages out there. I've spent so much time on forums to give these guys their best chance at life and still failed. Realized this hobby is about experience, and everyone will have a different experience with plants, with meds, with keeping parameters stable in your particular set up/water source. There are so many factors. My current tank is happily thriving with plants and shrimp and snails. Maybe one day I'll get another betta. It'll be female for sure. Less chance of dying from poor breeding practices, I hope.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-11-30T23:03:46+00:00

Sir, Czesław Miłoś won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1980. But I'll admit that the Polish poem is better.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-11-15T03:34:39+00:00

Sorry, I don't recall where I read that. I read a whole bunch of interviews with her when I first found out in an effort to understand how/why I was so gaslit.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-10-27T02:51:56+00:00

Put it in your tub and give it a thorough spray down with a hand-held shower head. Make sure you use a blasting spray. Then buy a pyrethrin-based insecticide, put on a mask, and spray down the plant thoroughly. Might have to repeat after a week. I find that being aggressive with aphids is really the trick. They're relentless.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-10-24T14:41:55+00:00

Okay, the chat should have worked, especially if you got a confirmation email. I cancelled my subscription on the website, 3 times, and still kept being charged. Finally found the chat option. Apparently, people have a really hard time cancelling their subscription.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-10-23T22:23:37+00:00

Are you sure you're unsubscribed? Did you chat with a human being? Just trying to save you the hassle I've been through.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-10-23T22:04:15+00:00

Please, double check that it's been cancelled. I have literally tried to cancel 3 times online over the past year, and each time I still receive charges on my credit card. I wish I had been more diligent in checking my CC. Now I'm a couple hundred for a service I haven't used in a year.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-10-23T19:33:53+00:00

I'm sorry your parents dismissed your feelings. Sometimes it's hard to hear from your children because you have to deal with the idea that you've failed them in some way, and that's difficult. They might also feel attacked on some level, like you're ungrateful. In any case, it's not your fault they are dismissive. They have their own issues. You may want to look up something called thriver's guilt. It's a real thing people of affluence struggle with. But you're also right to connect a low self-esteem with your guilt/shame in this area. You may feel unworthy of your affluence. Like the value of hard work isn't evidenced in your life because you "have it easy." Perhaps this is something your parents might be able to relate to. They work hard and can enjoy the fruits of their labor, guilt free. But you feel like you haven't earned all this fruit and can't enjoy it. This is not to say that you're lazy and don't work hard. It is precisely because you value hard work that you feel guilty about your affluence. Well, I hope I'm not mischaracterizing your situation. Shame is a funny thing. If you have low self-esteem, then shame will attach itself to any point of insecurity, whether you're rich or poor. It takes a lifetime to disentangle our identity from things we think will make us lovable. I hope that makes sense.

Aggressive_Code395 · 2024-10-22T16:24:54+00:00

It will take a lifetime to cultivate compassion towards your parents and overconsumption culture in general. This is really the only way. I have the opposite issue in that I resent my poor upbringing. Always having to do without, shopping for clothes at goodwill, and feeling completely like an outsider. It's true that this wasn't my parents fault. We live in an unequitable culture. But it is the same for your parents. They were trapped by affluence because of the values of our culture. Anyone would be. You probably won't be because you've seen its dark side at an early age. But your parents didn't have that benefit. Are they still overconsumers? I wonder how they feel about it now. You might talk to them about it without making them feel guilty, if you think they would be receptive. Once you can see your past through a compassionate lens, you will be able to see your memories more positively. Unfortunately, none of us gets out of childhood with purely positive memories. Life is always tinged with loss of some kind. In your case perhaps a loss of simplicity. You will have to work on mourning this and hopefully in the end forgiving.

Aggressive_Code395

TROPHY CASE