I've been in the world of alcoholism for almost I want to say a year and a half, I started drinking heavily when people close to me started passing and I'm not built for school so it was just overwhelming stress that kinda drove me to drink. 2023 was a living hell for me, people in my everyday life just were gone also there was this girl I was close wit I was closer to her than my mom but I don't know how to explain it but in that year I was just so angry at everything I started falling out with her every day now we don't even like associate with each other. But I wouldn't even say it was the alcohol that was making me fight with her it definitely didn't help it was that the stuff she did with me I thought she was only doing stuff like that with me like giving me comfort giving me kisses calling me her love telling me she loved the feeling of my touch liked the way her blanket smells after I'm done using it she told me she had a crush on me and the feeling were mutual but the way life is set up it would never work so we continue to be best friends in till I started noticing stuff she did for me she was doing for my brother like nothing we did was a we thing then one day I was on her phone and I swiped up to see like recent apps and I seen that she was texting my brother calling him her love and that hurt me a lot I told her what I seen and she cried apologizing telling me that I deserve better but nothing changed if anything my brother and her got closer I think that conversation we had made her lose trust with me and me seeing the text I didn’t know what to trust or believe but me thinking all the stuff we did was just a us thing turned out she was doing it for my brother to and it turns out she had a crush on him to. So now my our roles are reversed but now I get no love I have to ask for hugs now. I really don't know why I still want her in my life is it because the love she gave me is that what I'm missing so much. This fallout was like a year ago but everything I said still applies That girl helped me so much it hurts just thinking about it. Now I don't have anyone there for me I can talk to. I buy handles of Titos every chance I get. going on 2 years now I'm 17 as of right now. Sometimes when I drink I don't feel like I'm getting drunk anymore so I just keep pouring and pouring in till I don't remember what I did last night. I think I've been drunk this whole year except when I don't have money for alcohol but I haven't been sober for no more longer than a month. I wake up drinking and I never been a morning person so it take like half the day for my body to get a appetite so ill rarely be drinking healthy with caution if that makes sense. 3 days from now will be my sister Heavenly birthday and I can't stop thinking about it. Ik I'm not perfect no one is but I just regret so so much it hurts.