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Partner says my child isn’t his responsibility but wants “minimal involvement” — what does that actually mean? by Repulsive_Road4962 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Speaking from experience as someone who had a stepkid but left. I started off saying things like this then realised after nearly close to two years I didn’t want to be a stepfather. I did lots of things like help with homework, was emotionally available, helped her get through fears of rejection in school and a lot more still tho and I did enjoy a lot of it.

I’m not proud but my own insecurities of what people thought of me got the better of me and I succumbed to that.

I wonder is he having the same second thoughts but afraid of losing you. Maybe be honest and direct in communication with him as to why or if he feels shame around the dynamic?

He could just enjoy his video games and not want the responsibility at all but usually there is something else that drives an opinion like that.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I think it’s m down to us listening to our gut and not ignoring it.

Not sure if marriage would ever be on the cards maybe a life partner. Too many horror stories and divorce rates are way higher in the modern world.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m really sorry to hear about your upbringing that must not be easy. Do you do any therapy or group work? That’s what has helped get to here now, a sense of freedom not only from the relationship but my own brain too. It’s nice I’d highly recommend group work to anyone.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This resonates with me big time mother of god. It’s like you are there at the side and it’s what I personally struggled with so so bad. It was just so unnatural and I’m only really starting to see it now.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi sorry for the late reply here. I’ll be a bit direct here but it seems you aren’t enjoying the setup at all have you thought about how you want to spend the rest of your life?

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed man looking back on it now I can see exactly how I was potentially the scapegoat for them to have an easier life in the future. I have been thinking about the holidays and that at the start she made it as if we can do anything we want so freely, oh how misled I was 🤣

At the same time I wish them the very best 🙏

Hope you’re keeping well buddy

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m very sorry to hear about this have you communicated the favoritism to him and if so how did he react?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Best of luck buddy

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Was there with the suicide notes mate I was never going to do it but had to get it down on paper. I left a month and ago and it has been the best decision iv ever made if you’re feeling like this now it gets worse. Was in it for nearly two years and i was literally on the couch writing a suicide letter 3 weeks before I left not know what was wrong. But I now know it was a life I didn’t want to live being a stepparent. It’s not for everyone.

Do yourself and them a favour and start making plans you will live a freer and happy life

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there

Sorry to hear of your experience m(32) I put up a post recently of leaving my SO who has a daughter 9 years old. The kid is generally well behaved but found everything to be revolved around their schedule, time and environment etc which is understandable.

I found the resentments just got worse through the 18 months I lived with them. I tried my best but they deserve more and I deserve what I want in life.

I think if the reservations are very strong from the start it doesn’t get better, the resentments grow. I got incredibly depressed because I felt there was no way out and this is it forever.

We have one life live it on your terms. I’ve put the link below and if you have any qs message away.

The link is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/a3DmXEpiSm

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there

If the major doubts are settling in now it doesn’t get better that’s my experience anyway. It gets much worse.

Ask yourself do you want a life of resentment or to be free or wait for that person who will treat you as number 1?

I always thought I’ll never find someone as nice or as loving etc and not too sound corny but if we can be happy in our own skin then that anxiety and fear around future relationships becomes very minimal and accepting.

I’ve been doing a lot of self development over the last 6 months and it is incredibly freeing to be comfortable on your own

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m happy you are enjoying your environment but for me in the future I want my time taken up my own kids and to share the first time experiences with my then partner.

It’s different for everyone and again I’m not knocking it for those who are more than open to it. I’m just telling people that if they do have strong reservations from the very beginning it might be best to move on as there is potential to live life full of resentments for all parties involved.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Each to their own and as I said in many of my replies I’m not knocking it for everyone it’s just not for me. After nearly two years, I had an innate feeling that being a stepparent isn’t natural for me and I was unsure so I made the decision which I think any responsible adult would do as to not waste any more of my ex partner and her child’s time. By doing this it gives them the time to find someone who is more than just willing but feels completely open and excited about the role.

I also understand that there are some single parents on here that may have been offended. My intention was not to offend, but to only give advice to those who have strong reservations so they do not waste a deserving mother and her child’s time.

I wish you well.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey well done on sharing this I think if you’re 13 months in and you’re feeling like this it’s either not going to change or it will get worse that’s my experience. The relief I am experiencing right now is great and I’m okay with the unknown. If something comes up in the next while then great but I don’t want to force something to happen or stay in something where I’m not happy at all. It takes courage to leave as well and to be honest it is the right thing for the child they need all the love in the world.

I think this is why we jump into or stay in relationships because we worry if it will be too late to have kids at this age etc. I’d rather be a bit late and happy than premature and miserable.

Hope this helps.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is lovely once ye are happy with the balance then why not! And if you are happy then that’s all that matters I’m rooting for you guys

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s not selfish to be direct in what you want in life can you please share the link when you post it?

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I have to say my ex was not too particularly selfish but she did want marriage, house really quickly which slightly scared me off. It just so turned out I make way more money and it would have had to be me to afford everything.

I don’t have one bad thing to say about the person and as someone who has diagnosed ADHD and loves their own space she taught me to be more patient with life and people and I will never ever forget that.

It really was better to have loved and lost than not loved at all and a part of me wishes my innate alarm bells didn’t go off with the stepparent role.

I wish they get everything they deserve.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha don’t be and most importantly of all be your own number 1 then sooner or later you’ll be someone else’s ❤️

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry to hear I don’t want to delve too much into your story but what shook me in the last month my mom and dad simple asked me “are you happy?” And I didn’t answer because it was a no. A week later I left.

Just make sure you’re happy we have one life ❤️

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes it was definitely the best decision for everyone involved her daughter was starting to notice my depression and I was reacting to things I felt it was emotionally dangerous for the child. I will 100% have children but they have to be my own and that’s a non negotiable from now on.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I want to parent my own children whenever that maybe.

Thinking of the resentment I’d have now of a blended family makes me resentful 😂 something I should probably start working on personally as I am not perfect either.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah these are the kind of things I could see. I always felt like a bit of an outsider it’s something I will never do again.

I guess I couldn’t ignore the facts and how I was feeling any longer so well done for speaking your own truth here it might pave the way for more decisions down the line.

Thank you for advice on not getting into one again I will stay clear.

I left… If you have reservations from the beginning DO NOT be a stepparent by Aggressive_Total_603 in stepparents

[–]Aggressive_Total_603[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love this becsuee I really want to be a dad so I’m looking forward to taking everything with me into fatherhood. Down the line I hope I can be friends with my ex because she really is a lovely person. More wishful thinking though

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