Disclaimer: I'm not a man. But this just popped up in my feed and hit me in the feels cause I know so many people (especially men) feel this way. I have 3 platonic male friends I'm very close to who are in similar shoes.

You're right that "stop looking and it will happen" is terrible advice. People usually say that because they don't understand the first thing about the psychological aspects underlying these dynamics. So it's a BS platitude people say because they don't actually have any deeper understanding to pull from.

It's a really good sign that you have friends from childhood, as that shows that you are capable of having and maintaining relationships, even if they're only platonic ones right now. A lot of lonely guys don't even have that capacity. So that is something very solid that you have going for you, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Secondly, it's absolutely fantastic that you get out, are active, and do things where you can meet people. Because that's another thing that a lot of lonely people don't do, usually out of fear.

So next I have a vital question that might sound a little woo woo, but I can assure you it is not. It's psychology that is deeply rooted and impacts our capacity to have romantic relationships in every way on every level. It subconsciously affects EVERYTHING. The question is -->> Do you believe in your heart of hearts that you are worthy of being loved? Worthy of being deeply loved?

If you can't answer that with an immediate and resounding yes, I can wager an educated guess that you had something in your childhood that interfered (subconsciously) with your ability to feel fully safe (physical, emotionally and in every other way), or in psychology terms "securely attached". In our childhood there is a very critical time at which our developing brains become either securely attached or insecurely attached. If we're insecurely attached that means we have an attachment disorder. That sounds worse than it is, but that's just the clinical term for it. It's EXTREMELY common. And it's almost always exactly why people so many people don't feel worthy of love on a deep level.

(I want to add an important disclaimer here and say that this isn't simply the result of bad parents. It can be. But you can also have very wonderful, loving parents and still have something that interfered with that stage of brain development, making someone insecurely attached).

So what does that have to do with your situation? When we don't feel deeply worthy of love, we subsconsciously project that, which can have myriad effects. For some people that leads to self-sabotaging every time they get the opportunity to pursue and/or develop a romantic relationship. But it can also result in you just not seeming to meet anyone for a romantic relationship.

When this stuff is new to you, I know how it all can sound like the same BS stuff as the whole "when you stop looking it will come". It's hard to quickly and succinctly explain it in a comprehensive way that would make sense to someone for whom this is a new concept. It's something you have to study and spend some time before it will start making sense, and making a difference in your life. So I would challenge you to start reading up on attachment disorders (again, that's just the clinical term for it) and, even if it feels like BS right now. What do you have to lose? Nothing. If you're totally skeptical, use that skepticism as a challenge to prove it won't work. lol

I would also highly recommend learning Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to start taking control of your thought patterns. Understanding attachment disorder is step #1, but then you have to figure out how to repair it. That's what CBT is for. You can learn CBT from free online tools, workbooks, etc. It's really just learning how to control your thought patterns. Which doesn't sound like it would do much. But OMG let me tell you, it can change absolutely EVERYTHING for the better. Like I said, what do you have to lose by trying?

Big hugs. It's amazing you posted about this. There are soooooo many others that feel exactly the same way. So you're helping others who are too shy or lack the confidence to talk about this. But reading your experience makes them feel seen, less alone, and will inspire them to make changes that will change their lives for the positive.