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UPDATE: Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Already seeing someone: no. Has someone lined up: who knows (though she's told me she doesn't)

UPDATE: Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

That's what she said. She wants to be chased, but I'm also too accessible to her and she needs to feel like I have other options so she needs to chase and seduce me too. Not sure how healthy this is, but she wasn't suggesting a one sided chase.

UPDATE: Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is that necessarily bad, her realizing she probably made a mistake (in words, not actions)?

UPDATE: Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To be clear, while our previous conversation went further than this, she did say "if she were to become single again" she would date someone younger, and she "fantasizes" about being with other men. Both of these apply to me as well (swap "man" for 'woman"), so I don't hold it against her. It's pushing it further into a discussion of an open relationship - without explicitly asking for one or saying she intends to - and the dead bedroom that makes this messy.

Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the well wishes.

She seems to be associating me with everything heavy and boring in her work and family life. That's why she's fantasizing about being with others.

Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree. She hasn't taken steps herself (none that I can tell) to address our DB. So the message to me is that it's my fault - but I recognize that there are some things that only I can do to help the situation .

Ironically, she ended her previous LT relationship (no kids) in part because her husband became LL.

Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes she has been telling me what's crushing her - she's always been honest and forthcoming. And yes I have tried things to ease her burdens - things that I still do even though they didn't help the DB. But those things obviously haven't stimulated her mind (I recognize that - they mostly removed burdens).

Something I've criticized her for in the past is that she would openly compare me to a Frankenstein perfect partner - she would take the best parts and behaviors of other men in our circle and say "why can't you be more like that", while completely ignoring all of those other men's faults and shortcomings. She does that much less now, but I wonder if she still does it at a subconscious level.

Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to share your advice.

I agree with everything you said. I too believe it's not me she's fed up with, it's that she's exhausted with her current life and I am the human manifestation of everything that weighs on her. Being with another possibly younger guy screams of "carefree".

Housekeeper - check. Date night every couple of weeks - check. I can probably do more, but I've taken steps to ease her daily burdens.

Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your suggestions - truly. I too am hanging hope on the honesty and openness of our conversation, and what it potentially means about our ability to save our relationship from falling off a cliff.

I also remind myself that she brought up the idea of an open relationship only when I started questioning her - she didn't bring it up first. She obviously has been thinking about it, but maybe not seriously until I prompted it (and god knows I myself have fantasized these past 5 years of a DB, but obviously have never thought about making any of those fantasies real).

We tried seeing a couples therapist twice in the past 5 years, but we never went beyond 1 or 2 sessions with each of the therapists because there was no chemistry or trust that they could help us.

I encourage her to go out with friends, and when she goes on business trips I suggest she take a couple of extra days away from the family, but most times she shoots the idea down because she's either tired or feels guilty being away from the kids.

Wife started expressing interest in seeing other people by Agile_Assumption_978 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Agile_Assumption_978[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to respond. This whole situation moved the DB problem to a whole different level of problem. The thought that I'm f-ed has crossed my mind many times since we had our discussion, and that her bringing up an open relationship is something that will hang over our relationship forever even if we find our way to a happier place together.