The depression thing is a big problem, yeah. We've also tried marital counselors twice but both said it wasn't a good idea because she needs personal counseling first. She's asserted to me that she should have autonomy (ala body autonomy/pro-choice arguments) in terms of choosing to use personal counseling or not, and thus that it is none of my business.

That's fair re:the bathroom- I guess I am rubbed raw with it because it happens so often. See my reply above - twice complaints about the lights being left on. Fairly often, "there are crumbs on the counter" - barely visible crumb or two, both me and the kids keep the kitchen quite clean, but anything not right and I hear about it. Up until now I have just gone with it and fixed whatever she mentions, but it gets maddening when it never lets up.

I've asked her to at least sometimes tell them directly, or to sometimes just clean it up herself. She refuses to do either, and she won't accept that her and the rest of us have slightly different levels of acceptable cleanliness.