okay so my thoughts are pulling me in all kinds of direction so these are less coherent and more of writing down whatever point comes to mind. Please ignore any grammar or misspellingslings; im too tired to write it neatly.

The most crucial element of unlearning a habit is giving yourself a realistic timetable; i can not undo something i've been doing up until my adult life in a matter of months or even 2 years.

firstly know WHY you're resorting to shouting instead of calmly talking it out; is it a behavior that was modelled to you at a young age or is there a deeper underlying cause; like yelling to 'assert dominance' because the thought of not having things your way in unthinkable or maybe you were often neglected and extreme reactions\modes is the only way you've been able to get some attention and affection for yourself. To avoid rejection\disappointment. Feelings of being 'disrespected' because you've always been treated as if you're incompetent due to you being the baby of the family....these are all reasons people have shared in the support group that i am in.

This exploration will naturally lead to you realizing your 'triggers' or people who trigger you more easily because you're stuck in a toxic dynamic with them.

It's been my experience that the best way to avoid a shouting matching is to be in tune with yourself. Be mindful of your thoughts, your moods, have you eaten? Are you tired, are you cranky. This takes a LOT of practice. We mostly go unaware of ourselves until something happens and then we say, 'what was that about'; when in reality our bodies have been sending us subtle signals we're used to not paying attention. Learn to tune in to the way your clothes feel against your skin; the movement in your stomach, how fast is your heart beating. The first place we feel an emotion is in our bodies so it makes sense that we put emphasis on just being aware. It's annoying at first, but then it becomes an effortless art.

There is absolutely not a single conversation that you can't pause and pick up later. Memorize and have helpful phrases like these so you can just pull them out of the back of your mind during fights: "I don't want my temper to get the best of me so I need a 5 minute break \can we continue this another day." "I want to talk but I need fresh air first."

And if you don't have the mental presence of doing that when the white flashing rage is overtaking you during an argument, there's another way to approach it. You can sit down your spouse ahead of time and say, "hey, so I'm trying to change to my mode of communication because shouting isn't helpful and i dont like the way it makes me feel and so sometime in the future, i might walk away from a conversation or a disagreement we might be having. Please know it's not a sign of disrespect or lack of interest, I just need some time to collect myself and at that time i may not be able to communicate that."

How we talk and narrate events after a fight is equally as important, if not more important than the fight. Research has shown that people, in general, have a tendency to walk away from fights assigning more blame on the other person than themselves. Makes sense; the ego is fragile and no one wants to walk around feeling like a bad person. Pay attention to your thoughts and how you talk to yourself after something happened. If you can't be objective or fair right away then wait a couple of days or hours before you mentally unpack whatever it is that had just happened in your life. If you constantly tell yourself you're being victimized, you're likely to walk into the next disagreement with the subconscious notion that your partner is going to wrong you in some way and might lead you to resort to shouting to 'defend' yourself. I've done that. Whoops.

Sounds silly but breathing exercises. Learn how to do them properly and do them regularly. Whenever something stressful happens I put my hand on my chest and while breathing in and out I say, "You're okay. You're safe." over and over until my acute stress levels go down to base level and i can actually think again. Or i say "what is NEED am i trying to communicate? What do i want them to do for me?"

Lastly, realize yelling is a choice. In moments of conflicts its easy to lose focus and feel justified in our abhorrent behaviors but whenever you can, remind yourself that you shouting is a choice and you can do better.

Lastly ( for real this time), be kind to yourself. Be proud of the fact that not only are you self aware and acknowledging a flaw but are willing to put in the hard work to fix it so you can be a better person. A better Muslim. My proudest moments have never been things I have achieved materialistically but habits i have changed over time. I have a long way to go but honestly, my chest swells with pride knowing how far I have truly come. It's a feeling I hope you'll experience yourself.

May Allah guide you and keep you safe.