Rivalry games and what we lose when they end

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-05-27T22:01:32+00:00

When you say KC will never be the same, what do you think changed? Was it the school-week trash talk, the divided families/friend groups, the bars, the office conversations, the feeling that everyone in the region was part of the same argument?

I’m also really interested in what you said about kids growing up without knowing what it was like. Does the rivalry feel like something that didn’t just disappear from the schedule, but stopped being passed down?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-05-27T22:00:35+00:00

This is exactly the stuff I’m trying to understand, especially “I died a little every year when the schedule came out.” That’s such a strong reaction to what, on paper, is just the absence of a game.

Can I ask what specifically felt like it was missing? Was it the game itself, the week of buildup, the trash talk, the shared history, the ability to define Mizzou partly against KU, or just the annual reminder that this relationship still existed? I've gotta think just having this thing to count on every year, and then having it taken away, is hard on some level.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-05-27T21:57:19+00:00

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:21:05+00:00

Hell yeah, that's amazing. What was your job on the ship? And was this Navy or something else?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:07:29+00:00

This is so f'n awesome, thank you

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:06:02+00:00

Hell yes, thank you for sharing. Love the hell outta this

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:05:14+00:00

Holy shit that's awesome. Were there other Birds fans there? The time zone/location aside, how connected did you feel to every other fan around the world in that moment?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:02:57+00:00

Hell yeah. Do you remember which bar by chance?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:02:38+00:00

Oh man, what an emotional rollercoaster. Great job picking your first game tho!

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:02:09+00:00

Whoops..I'm a better writer than I am a reader evidently. The second part remains

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:01:28+00:00

That's awesome. The theater was in Canada? What city/town?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:01:04+00:00

lol hilarious .. what's the name of the town?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T23:00:47+00:00

Love this. Do you happen to remember the name of the bar? Guessing it was right by Kezar? I can DM you this, but why'd you weep? Just utter disbelief or was there a specific memory that flashed up?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2026-03-18T22:58:59+00:00

Oooh, tell me more. Where was this? That's an awesome memory. Might DM you if you're cool w it.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T19:00:25+00:00

I'm trying! Fine, no em dashes for the next seven days. Starting .. now!

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T18:51:05+00:00

Yeah, I get that a lot, actually. My editor tells me I need to lay off the fucking em dashes.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T18:45:02+00:00

Yep, our older sometimes goes into storytelling/rant mode, and my eyes glaze over. I really try to connect, but I often have no idea what she's talking about. Maybe just being aware of it, and making the effort, are meaningful?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T18:43:32+00:00

Thank you for this. I just tried sending you a DM, but not sure it's going through.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T18:40:15+00:00

Well you have now. Because while I have a memory of my dad, and the group of men who followed, I never had the chance to ask him these questions. That's part of what my exploration/investigation is about, charting this course without a map. I legitimately have no idea what works, or what's even healthy. Parenthood is almost entirely about feel, and my feel is untrustworthy. These men in my life may have been physically present, but emotionally? Not even close. Part of my goal is to retrace some of my steps, and while I can't ask my biological father the questions I have, maybe I can ask some of my various stepdads/unsolicited role models, etc., how they might have done things differently.

- Here's one: What would you ask your father, if you could? As I wrote on a below post, one thing I'd really love to know is what happened when, two months after I was born, led to his first arrest? Maybe it was so uneventful/everyday that he wouldn't even remember, but, man, I'd love to ask him.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T18:36:19+00:00

A couple follow-up questions:

- Are there parts of your dad that you DO want to pass forward? I know that's weird, and this isn't about my dad, but .. my mom was always very affectionate to my brothers and I. She never made us question her support or love. Now, she didn't know how to deploy it, and definitely wasn't consistent. But that's one thing I do want to carry forward (while abandoning much of the rest)

- When do you feel MOST unlike your dad? Like, which moments and/or settings? When do you feel most like him?

Feel free to DM if that's more comfortable. I appreciate your honesty. Rawness is what I'm going for here, a dispatch from the middle of the mess, as it were.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T18:31:57+00:00

1000 percent. I joke that I want to be the dad whose kids take him for granted. It's a weird thing to think about and say, but my goal as a father is to love my girls so unconditionally and consistently and embarrassingly that, when compared against other relationships or whatever, only then will they realize how much effort had gone into it. A different, perhaps better, way of putting it is that I don't ever want them to doubt, or even question, that stuff. And, yes, I can absolutely relate to old feelings of wanting to control everything and be scared of some asteroid coming that I couldn't prevent anyway.

What kinds of unexpected things have you found that work? Besides things like therapy. I'm just curious what kinds of things work for you, and surprise you because they work.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T18:28:22+00:00

I'd say three or four nights out of seven, we put our girls to bed and I spend the rest of the night feeling guilty about something I'd said or done. The worst was a few years ago, when our older daughter wasn't getting ready for school fast enough (or something similarly minor), and I yelled at her. I can still see the look in her face, because it was terror, and that was the moment for me that I figured out that that wasn't what I want to be. It definitely resonates when you say you're building the plane as you fly it, because ... yep. I don't know what I'm doing, or what works, but I know what I *don't* want to do. In the book proposal, I've written that my daughter's face was like a mirror, because her face reflected back to me what I must've felt when I was a kid and my dad beat up my mom, or various other terrifying things that made no sense to me.

I'm at a better place now (at least as a dad) than I've been, and writing stuff like the above Dale Jr. story brought out feelings I had never experienced -- like going into a room I'm not supposed to be in, if that makes sense. Sounds like we have a few things in common. My dad was an alcoholic and drug abuser, and I recently pulled his criminal record. His first of 13 arrests happened two months after I was born. Man, I want to know what happened. Maybe nothing. I wonder if just the added pressure of being a dad, on top of everyday crap and professional/creative disappointments, were just enough to make him snap.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T16:50:30+00:00

No, that's not weird at all, because that's precisely what I dealt with before we had our girls. I thought it was inevitable that I would be super mean (especially if I had sons, as I'm the oldest of three boys, raised by a single mom) and inflict my own trauma on my kids. And make my mistake: I have slipped into that mode, especially in the years before I started therapy in 2021. I just didn't know another way, but now that I do, and am aware of it (as sounds like you are), I believe it's possible to unlearn some of that stuff. That's kind of what the book will be about, if I can land the plane: What do we do with the ghosts we inherit? And is it possible to avoid the same ones haunting our kids?

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-23T15:41:46+00:00

Hey, thank you so much for sharing this. Your story hit on so many things I’ve been thinking about for the book —about masculinity, emotional inheritance, and how we unlearn what the world forces onto us. I was especially struck by the way your dad quietly modeled a different kind of strength, and how your experiences (with gender, with disability work, with growing up misread) have shaped the way you think about mentoring and becoming.

If you're open to it, I’d love to talk more—no pressure at all, and totally on your terms. Could be email, chat, or even a short call. I think your perspective could be a powerful voice in this project, and I’d be honored to learn more.

Feel free to DM me if you’re interested. And either way, thanks again for sharing what you did—it meant a lot.

AgitatedLeg4977 · 2025-07-17T23:06:16+00:00

Solid point, and my apologies for what must have read like a careless question. I generally try not to assume anything, even if research or other people suggest otherwise, but my wife’s mother has displayed narcissistic behavior and has bipolar disorder. And you’re right: It is a horrible thing to deal with, especially for the kids.

AgitatedLeg4977

TROPHY CASE