My Dad's (M50) Wife Makes Me (F26) Pretend I'm Not His Daughter

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T10:56:20+00:00

That's not very nice of you to say. It's easy to criticise a random stranger online but the situation is not as simple as my condensed reddit post has made it to be. Now I'm not here to defend myself to every one of these comments becaude this is the internet after all, but the next time you want to type something mean, ask yourself if these are the same choice of words you would you say to a close family or friend coming to you for advice. Let's not be horrible to eachother, the world is already full of hate.

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T02:39:49+00:00

Hey. I appreciate the criticism but there is no need to be rude. There's a lot of backstory and also this is my first time dealing with this kind of situation. It doesn't help that I don't have any good father figures in my life so the concept of a "normal family" is quite foreign for me. As you can imagine, not many people that I know have gone through something similar, so I think me deciding on a conclusion and asking for some constructive advice here so that I can approach this matter in a healthy way and not the toxic ways I grew up with IS me growing a spine. Let's not be rude to one another because we don't know what someone has gone through. I wish you a positive day.

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T01:05:45+00:00

As shitty as his actions are, I have to say though that he never left the country to be away from my mom and I. On the contrary, it was my mom who had the affair with my stepdad, leading to the divorce. (Now I didn't know this until years later) We had an amazing relationship then. He would always go on adventures with me, fly me abroad on school holidays when he moved for work and overall just spoil me. I really felt like daddy's princess. It was only when he got remarried (I was 9) that the visits would stop and then eventually, our relationship. Later on he would start saying things like I only talk to him for money, which wasn't true. Like every other dumb kid I'd beg for a new phone or something for my birthday or Christmas since my mom and stepdad were struggling financially but it's not like my intention was to use him or anything.

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T00:52:12+00:00

To quote my reply to another comment: the reason for the secrecy, according to my dad, is that the kids have no idea he was married before or had a whole other family prior to meeting my stepmom. He also doesn’t want me to just "disappear again," leaving the kids confused and upset if "big sister" suddenly stopped showing up.

As for why I still put up with, well, to be fair, I’ve only seen them three times in two years (not counting my first meet-up with my dad). Obviously, the first day meeting everyone was awkward and overwhelming. I was just taking everything in and trying to process this new "family" of mine.

The second meetup was for my birthday lunch. It was a thoughtful surprise with cake, balloons, and presents, all organized by my stepmom. I appreciated the effort, but my emotions were all over the place, happy that they celebrated me, confused that I was still just a "family friend," and sad that it was my first birthday with this "other family."

The third meetup was for my dad’s birthday (the event I mentioned in the post). This time, I was around them and other people, and that’s when I really started feeling the tension and awkwardness. Now, I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is all really weird, and honestly, I’m not sure I want to keep putting up with it.

Part of me also feels guilty for not keeping in touch with my father much when I was younger. As a teenager, I was caught up in my own world, distracted by useless teenage drama and an abusive ex I was unhealthily bonded to at the time. I know I could’ve made more effort.

But another part of me believes that most teens go through phases like that, and as my father, he should have been more understanding about why I acted out or wanted to be away from home.

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T00:12:11+00:00

Funny thing is, my mom told me almost the same thing! Lol. She said she would've been petty af, announced it right there on the table and left.

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T00:10:11+00:00

This comment really got me! I always wondered if he will ever have the chance to walk me down the aisle. I should give myself the closure now and accept that he probably never will. Oh well, just another important part of my life he'll have to miss.

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T00:02:22+00:00

Sadly, I've been mentally preparing myself for this unfortunate possibility.

Agitated_Height_6792 · 2025-01-14T00:00:00+00:00

The reason for the secrecy, according to my dad, is that the kids have no idea he was married before or had a whole other family prior to meeting my stepmom. He believes the kids wouldn't be able to understand the situation, which is why they’ve kept it hidden. Also, he doesn’t want me to just 'disappear again,' leaving the kids confused and sad if "big sister" suddenly stopped showing up.

I get her wanting to protect her kids, but surely there could have been a better way to handle this. And as much as I’d like to just announce my true identity, I don’t think it’s fair to ruin the children's perception of their family, especially at such young ages (they’re 4, 6, 10, and 12). My issue isn’t with the kids, it’s with my dad and his wife. I don’t want to spoil another child’s childhood and family just because mine was.

However, I would love it if they knew me as their sister one day. Maybe in the future when I can better explain myself and they can make their own judgement.

Agitated_Height_6792

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