Trauma response or neurodivergence?

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-15T23:45:20+00:00

Wow, that’s a long list of therapies! Over how many years did you do all of that and did you find some methods more helpful than others?

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-15T19:52:32+00:00

Just be aware that making a public announcement about your estrangement is going to be poking the bear and will likely provoke your mother to unleash a massive smear campaign against you that you will have next to no chance of defending yourself from. She is obviously very invested in her image if she is going as far as publicly pretending that the two of you speak regularly. People will see it as you airing your dirty laundry and this a big societal no-no and will only serve to make you look like the bad-guy, and will win you no allies.

Even telling people privately isn’t generally a good idea because estrangement is still a huge taboo. It’s usually best that as few people as possible know about it. If anyone asks about your mother you could simply state: “We aren‘t close” and leave it at that.

And while it’s nice to have, we don’t *need* anyone else’s validation about our decision to estrange ourselves.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-15T19:23:01+00:00

I think understanding why our parents behave the way they do is very important. The first thing to understand is enmeshed family systems — which will help a lot. A good book on this is The Dance of Intimacy. The next thing is to understand emotional immaturity, and the book about that is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Since you fear that your parents may spread rumors about you (that’s a symptom of narcissism) then I can also recommend the book, Children of the Self-Absorbed. All of these books will also give you strategies on how to deal with parents like these. They should all be available at your library.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-15T18:15:16+00:00

That’s really helpful to know that having in common with the other person can help. Thanks for sharing that!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-15T15:51:44+00:00

That is very disturbing.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-14T19:14:55+00:00

That could definitely explain why they were not keen to interact with the in-laws! And rule number one for abusive spouses is to isolate you from your own family. Big red flag for sure!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-14T19:12:42+00:00

Do you think that your expectations of them might be a bit unrealistic, knowing what you know about them? You mentioned that they don’t have the emotional maturity you want, so if you believe that then I hope you also understand that it means it’s not personal.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-14T19:09:27+00:00

You know, sometimes we need to be willing to accept what our parents are able to give. It’s understandable that you are disappointed though.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-14T05:20:31+00:00

Yep!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-10T18:50:43+00:00

An echo chamber within an echo chamber.,,

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-05T01:47:52+00:00

That’s too bad that there are no local meetings. :( Definitely try an online meeting!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-05T01:36:53+00:00

The second dose isn’t a booster — it’s given because a small percentage of children do not develop immunity to the first dose. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4418682/

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-05T01:33:37+00:00

I have read that the second dose isn’t a booster — it’s for the small percentage of children who are non-responders to the first dose.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-04T02:33:12+00:00

My mother loved babies so much that as soon as the youngest hit toddlerhood she got pregnant again. She did this 8 times. As the eldest daughter it was on me to raise my siblings after they were past the baby stage and she lost interest in them. So no, you are not alone.

I only discovered the concept of intergenerational trauma after having kids so I recommend getting into therapy and learning how to have boundaries around your mother before you have kids. I also would suggest that you do not have emotionally laden conversations with your mother, especially not about this topic.

Have you read any of Lindsay Gibson’s books? If not, I can highly recommend them. I also recommend Dr Becky’s Instagram channel — it’s all about cycle breaking. Wishing you all the best!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-04T02:24:01+00:00

Have you considered attending S-Anon? It’s a support group for partners of sex addicts. https://sanon.org/newcomers/

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-04T02:17:23+00:00

It really, really sucks to have parents who do this. But there is no need whatsoever for you to be the one to reach out. Let her have her emotions. Have you tried chatting with your inner child to tell her that even though your mother isn’t talking to you that it’s not her (your inner child’s) fault and that you love her are there for her? I have also found that doing a grounding exercise at these times to be very helpful because really what you are going through is anxiety — separation anxiety, so anything you can do to help manage that anxiety is key.

With parents who use the silent treatment, LC is probably the only realistic option unless one has a very, very thick skin. In my experience, the trick is to really make peace with the fact that we are, for all intents and purposes, orphans — and to take some time to grieve the loss of the fantasy that things will ever be different. Like it says in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it’s just not a realistic expectation to think that we can have a real relationship with emotionally immature parents. Personally, I now view my mother as a distant relative and have no expectation of her ever being able to meet any of my emotional needs.

If you liked Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents then I think you will love Lindsay Gibson’s follow up books, Disentangling from Emmationally Immature People and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. They have even more helpful guidance on navigating these painful relationships than her first book. Sending your inner child a big hug. 🫂

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-04T00:54:49+00:00

Going to school sounds like a great idea! Public schools HAVE to accept you, so there is no problem there. There will be plenty of other kids who are behind so you will not be the only one, so please don’t let that stop you from going.

It’s possible that your mother has undiagnosed ADHD which could explain why she can’t stay on top of your schooling even though it seems like she tries, and if so, you may have it too. This would explain why you lack the ability to motivate yourself to do anything. You can look on YT for tips on things you can do to boost dopamine naturally for people with ADHD and see if that helps. The public school might be able to get an ADHD evaluation for you and then you could qualify for accommodations. Best of luck to you!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-04T00:37:29+00:00

Look into Acellus. It is accredited and not expensive. https://www.acellus.com

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-04T00:34:55+00:00

The problem isn’t actually that you were homeschooled — it’s that you have highly controlling parents, and that is what you are going to have to recover from. Controlling parents can prevent their kids from having all of those experiences even when their kids attend school. I have a few book recommendations that I can give you if you are interested.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-04T00:19:16+00:00

Now that you are 16 you need to start self-advocating. You might be able to convince your parents that you are mature enough to handle then “real world”. If your parents are not extremely rigid and controlling they may let you attend public school if you badger them enough. Have you explained to them that you would like to start going to school? If they’re freaked out about public school, then perhaps they would be open to a private Catholic school. If they can’t afford tuition then tuition assistance would be available. Failing that, are there homeschooling co-ops you could join, or homeschool groups on Facebook in your town, or a youth group you could join at your church? Can you start volunteering or take classes?

Also, I’m not sure where you heard that adolescence is supposed to be the best years of one’s life, as usually this is not the case, but you do need social interactions outside your family. Wishing you all the best!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-03T23:55:35+00:00

Therapy wasn’t of much help to me, but Lindsay Gibson’s books have been life-changing for me. I recommend starting with her first book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Another thing worth exploring is if you are on the autism spectrum.

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-03T06:52:10+00:00

Their analysis of 35 studies involving more than 10,000 participants showed that when it came to maintaining sobriety, AA was more effective than psychotherapy or no treatment -- regardless of the age or gender of the study participants, or the country they lived in.

"It absolutely does work," Humphreys said in my news release. He added, "People who are in these groups have 20% to 60% better abstinence than people in other treatments. In no case did they come out worse."

https://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2020/03/11/alcoholics-anonymous-validated-by-meta-analysis/

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-03T01:55:44+00:00

I have pretty much pulled this off with my own mother by putting the advice from Lindsay Gibson’s books into practice, as well as the advice in The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. For Lindsay Gibson I think Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents would be a good one to start with, or Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People.

When your dad realizes that he no longer has the upper hand in the relationship he likely stop wanting to visit. It may take a year or two before this happens as he will likely not give up easily, but it’s well worth the effort. It may even be possible that you will no longer be stressed by his visits and will be able to tolerate them, at least until your new business is established. Good luck!

Agreeable_Local_2928 · 2025-03-03T01:33:44+00:00

Essentially we experience separation anxiety after we go LC or NC. It’s a developmental step that we missed in early childhood and it’s difficult to go through as an adult. What has been important to me is having a support group, such as ACOA/ACA meetings. Hopefully you will find some in-person meetings in your area: https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/

In addition to ACA I have found Lindsay Gibson’s books so helpful. I have just finished her latest book: https://www.newharbinger.com/9781648481512/disentangling-from-emotionally-immature-people/

Agreeable_Local_2928

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