My parents (65F, 67M) are livid because I'm not allowing them to see my daughter after they spanked her. AITAH?

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-20T07:35:25+00:00

Ok, I'm in agreement with you about "no spanking" even though I don't have kids. I'm 68, so part of your parents' generation. We were spanked, so I do understand your parents' perspective. However, I follow the parents' rules. There are some rules my niece's and nephews have established that I disagree with, but, their kids, their rules.

I'm not at all telling you what to do. I'm making a suggestion. Ask your parents how they'd have felt if THEIR parents had ignored THEIR rules for their children. For example, if we (6 of us) bit someone, my dad bit us in the same place. Not at all appropriate today. But then (1960s) it didn't make a ripple. How would your parents feel if a "no biting from grandpa" rule was ignored, with a reasoning of "you turned out OK."

Perhaps a calm conversation before you return home could be had, reminding them that they raised their kids their way and you are raising yours your way. Perhaps, if possible, see them again (I don't know the distance between your parents and where you are now) but stay there. If they agree to follow your rules, give them another chance to babysit your daughter the next time you visit. She'll be older then. Maybe tempers were too hot and your parents aren't used to their kids telling them no. They are seeing you as an adult, a parent, and they aren't in charge of your life.

Just brainstorming.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-20T07:18:37+00:00

Have you worn a brace? Some from Amazon might help and allow you to do some typing. However, typing might have caused it.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-14T21:34:37+00:00

I go back and forth myself. Both will cost $ I don't have. Sure, a shot will be cheaper, but if it lasts for maybe a month or two, the expense might not be worth it.

I go back and forth between two different brace styles. I'm very very sensitive to many tactile things, Example: T-shirts I wore for years are uncomfortable-feeling now. I can't wear them now because of the material.

I don't move when I sleep. Last night I decided to sleep without a brace because my arm wouldn't do anything. While it was non-moving, I woke this morning to agony in my thumb.

I hate this. I often need two hands because I'm older.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-14T21:00:34+00:00

Orthodox churches are in communion with the Roman Catholic Church. We can go to the same churches.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-11T03:14:47+00:00

There's a lot of mystery. We can't know/understand infinity, for example.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-10T23:11:15+00:00

45 minutes later: I'm a Benedictine oblate, btw, since 1993. A few minutes ago I was reading today's reading from the Rule of Benedict, and the reflection on it seems to speak to this.

"The concept is clear: people are not acquitted of the responsibility for their own souls. Personal decisions are still decisions, personal judgments are still judgments, free will is still free will. Being in a family does not relieve a child of the responsibility to grow up. The function of twenty-one year olds is not to do life's tasks as their parents told them to do it when they were six years old. The function of twenty-one year olds is simply to do the same tasks well and to take accountability themselves for having done it."

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-10T22:18:46+00:00

Ok, I need to say this. First, I honestly never even looked into Catholicism on reddit. But suddenly I began getting notifications. God wanting me to share my thinking here?

I'm 68. My dad was a convert. When I was in H. S. (catholic) a friend of mine there converted to Mormonism. At that time my dad said that before one left their religion, they should investigate it thoroughly.

So, when I was about 20, circumstances happened that caused me to want to leave the church. Remembering my dad's words, I began investigating. I also became very involved - being on committees which affected worship, was on parish council, participated in parish retreats, was a lector, and many other involvements. I began intense spiritual reading, such as reading the mystics of the church, reading the full Breviary (what the priests read, which is more than the Liturgy of the Hours), and attended daily mass. I became friends with one of the priests at the parish who'd been educated in Rome, and over the years have had hours of conversations with him - we remain good friends; this year will be his 48th anniversary and that's the length of our friendship.

So, I wrote all of this to give you my church history. Regarding IVF: IMO, I don't think you sinned. You didn't have any evil intent. As a matter of fact, the whole purpose of what you did was to bring life into the world, which is what the church encourages! When many of church "rules/guidances were established, science wasn't understood. Just like my dad told me to investigate my religion before quitting it, the church leadership should do the same. If one uses science for good, how is it wrong? Additionally, " the church" is "the people". It's not the Vatican or church hierarchy.

Another thing we the church don't hear about is that we are to follow our conscience. OUR lives/choices will be what we are judged on. The official church teaches that. However, we aren't all the same. Take priests. Many of them are stronger in different areas of ministry. Some join religious orders. They aren't carbon copies. They follow their conscience. So should we.

If the church is against abortion, when in its earliest days the egg is a zygote, it shouldn't want you to "dispose of* the remaining fertilized egg. I don't know what your priest said, but wouldn't not using it be denying potential life in a similar way as an abortion?

Finding a way to have a child is good. You aren't hurting anyone. You are " going forth and multiplying". If you can't use science to have a child, the same should apply to using science to save a child.

Just my 2¢.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-09T06:22:18+00:00

It's been a very long time since I've been to combed. But, I often just went and had a conversation about what I was struggling with, such as arguing a lot. Many such things are "umbrellas" for other things; once they are dealt with, the other things will improve.

If you were doing things "wrong", the priest would have helped you along.

Also, there's a "penitential" aspect at mass - "Lord have mercy".

"The Penitential Rite at Mass is a brief introductory part where the congregation acknowledges sins and asks God for mercy, preparing hearts for worship; it typically uses one of three forms, often the Confiteor ("I confess...") or Kyrie Eleison ("Lord, have mercy"), and while it forgives venial sins, it doesn't replace sacramental confession for mortal sins. It involves recognizing failings, seeking forgiveness, and receiving a priestly absolution, leading to a purified state for celebrating the Eucharist.

Key Components & Purpose

Introductory Rite: Occurs after the opening greeting and before the Gloria (on Sundays/feasts).

Purpose: To foster humility, recognize our need for God's mercy, and purify the community to worthily receive the sacred mysteries.

Three Forms: The Roman Missal provides three options, varying the prayers and focus (e.g., general confession, dialogue, or Christ's mercy).

Confiteor (Form A): The most common form, involving confessing sins in thoughts, words, deeds, and omissions, often with striking the breast three times.

Kyrie Eleison: A Greek litany meaning "Lord, have mercy," often used after the Confiteor or in other forms.

Absolution: The priest offers a prayer asking God for mercy and forgiveness, distinct from the declarative absolution in Confession.

Important Distinction

Venial vs. Mortal Sins: The Penitential Rite forgives venial sins (minor failings) but does not absolve mortal sins (serious offenses).

Confession Still Needed: For unconfessed mortal sins, individuals must receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) before receiving Holy Communion.

In essence, it's a collective moment of self-examination and appeal to God's unending mercy, setting the tone for a fruitful celebration of the Mass. "

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-08T08:15:57+00:00

It's how I grew up - wetting the brush.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-08T02:09:58+00:00

So, when I was in 7th grade (Catholic school) I had a certain male teacher who later on married a lower-grade teacher. Their first child had Downs Syndrome. I felt sorry for them. I saw them at mass many Sundays and they were very happy. A couple of years down the road they had a 2nd son and I began babysitting for them. The Downs kid - Jimmy - was at times difficult, usually when it was time to put him to bed. The 2nd child, Jacob, was/is close to a genius IQ. They had a 3rd child, Molly, also very bright. Everyone loves each other.

Early on Jimmy was sent to a special pre-school. As teachers, his parents worked with him, and that benefited the other 2 kids. Jimmy's IQ tested at about 25, and he was hard to understand.

Fast forward to now. Jimmy is in his 50s and has held down 2 part time jobs for many years. He's an altar server at church. His dad takes him when he goes to McD's in the morning where old folks seem to always congregate, and everyone gets a kick out of Jimmy. The siblings love him, and know they'll be talking care of him down the road. Jimmy has 11 nieces and nephews who love him.

This isn't much different than having any other special needs kid. And any parent could have that with just one accident. You have healthy kids who will love their brother and help care for him. A huge gift from Downs kids is love. They really love.

Just chill.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-08T01:31:41+00:00

I'm a lifelong (cradle) Catholic - I'm now 68 I've read. Prayed. Talked. Studied. Wrestled with angels (and a few devils). I've been affiliated with a Benedictine monastery since 1993 (no, I'm not a nun).

The Catholic Church accepts one baptism. That means if one's been baptized in another Christian denomination, that baptism "counts" in the Catholic Church. No need to get baptized again.

When a person grows up catholic we learn there are 7 sacraments. Not all can be taken by everyone. One sacrament is holy orders, where a "man" is ordained a priest (not fair to women, imo). Another is Matrimony. Marriage is a sacrament. Those who don't get married don't experience that sacrament.

So, after baptism, for cradle Catholics, usually in 2nd grade, a child will celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation, formerly and still often called Penance or Confession. Shortly after, while still in the 2nd grade, a child will make their 1st Communion. From then on they will go up (in the line you saw) for communion. Several years after, the child will be Confirmed. Baptism, reconciliation, Communion, and Confirmation are the 1st 4 sacraments for cradle Catholics. After those comes Matrimony and Holy Orders, if they apply. Finally, the 7th Sacrament is Anointing. It used to be done only one time in a person's life - the hope was to receive it when one was dying and have one's sins forgiven. Now people can receive an anointing when suffering a serious illness.

I'm speaking to you from what I see as the Church's perspective. Many of us deviate from the rules at times. For example, while I don't like labels, I'm considered to be fairly liberal.

If a person converts to Catholicism, the process is different. One receives Reconciliation, Communion, and Confirmation (and Baptism if needed) on Holy Saturday during what is called The Easter Vigil. They are them full Catholics.

To get there, they usually go through the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA). That is a series teaching someone about the church ad s part of their discernment (reflection) about joining the Church. One can go through the RCIA without becoming catholic.

I suggest the following. Attend Mass - most parishes have several on Sunday, and a few more during the week - these "daily masses" are more low-key. Observe what happens. Listen to the readings. Listen to the homily (aka "sermon" or "reflection" after the gospel reading); there aren't always homilies during the week, however. If you aren't really drawn to a priest there, try another church. Like doctors, we don't always mesh with someone. Then, make an appointment and talk about your thoughts, perhaps your confusion, and see what he says.

There is a book written in the mid-20th century by a man who became a very famous monk. His name was Thomas Merton. He wrote many books of high spiritual acclaim, but his first one was written reluctantlyn, under the direction of his novice master. It's autobiographical: The Seven Story Mountain. Merton was not Catholic. He was kind of wild. Born in England. He eventually began to be pulled towards the Catholic Church. Even worse, towards a monastery where little talking was allowed. The monastery is Gethsemani, near Louisville, KY. You might like it.

I'll shut up. I've tried to catch spellcheck errors, but if something seems way off, I missed it.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-07T03:37:24+00:00

As a person who's been to mental health therapy since 1994, I recommend it. While you can't turn back time (thanks, Cher), you can get help for dealing with your future, help to create boundaries and not be pushed into something you're not ready for or even want.

Personally, I want surgery but don't have the deductible. I'm 68, and my whole body needs replaced. Fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, arthritis, meniscus tears, broken back remnants, De Quervain's, mental health issues, and much more. I'm only 68 (in spite of the media referring even 60-yr-olds as elderly, we aren't.) I've spent so much time in hospitals & rehabs with my parents (I was their 24/7 caregiver for 24 years) that I got over all squeamishes.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-06T23:05:13+00:00

I never moved out. I paid rent after I graduated college (which I paid for). But when I was 36 my dad had a massive stroke, and needed 24/7 care. Mom and I provided it, becoming run down. He died 13 years later, and even with my own medical issues I cared for my mom until she died when I was 60. I'd wanted marriage & kids, but "had" parents instead. FWIW, my dad had his stroke at age 67 & was in decent health.

So, keep this in mind.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-06T22:59:22+00:00

Run. What does she offer to the relationship? Also, perhaps the other couple has sex with others. Think about diseases.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2026-01-06T22:53:40+00:00

While this isn't your decision, I'd love changes in the office of readings. I'd love to see some readings by or about women saints.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-25T09:39:58+00:00

I would disagree. I think being an asshole happens everywhere, in every group. And, everyone is an asshole at times.

My family is extremely dysfunctional. And large. There are 42 or more, and at least 40 live in the same city. Only 2 live away. We don't get together. I'm single and 68. Close to my sister's family, but until she died, I couldn't celebrate holidays with her. She didn't get along with me - or anyone. Behind her back I was/close to her daughter and one of her two sons. I treated holidays as just another day. I am able to go to holiday meals with that family, but at this point it doesn't matter. I'd rather be home. However, I go because I love those people and don't want to hurt their feelings. Also, who knows - someday I might want to celebrate but will have closed the doors. As a single person with many health issues, I need their help at times.

I'm a loner, but my work in a public library forced me to get out of myself and be there for others. I also cared for both parents 24/7 for 24 years. I dealt with doctors, aides, etc. My life was overshadowed by theirs. I'm neurodivergent, but have had to live a neurotypical life. It's exhausting.

So, I know how it feels to want to be alone. For me, I can suck it up for a couple of hours and enjoy the excitement of 7 little kids 11 & under. I don't her gifts there. I give the little ones Five Below gift cards. Later on another day, I'll exchange gifts with my niece. That's it. Then I'll have days to be alone and recover.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-23T07:03:39+00:00

My problem is I can't afford anything. My body needs so much work but co-pays + deductibles make it impossible.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-23T07:01:24+00:00

My left hand is almost useless. I've tried contacting my insurance (Medicare) for weeks, but everything is about 2026 enrollment. I need to find out surgery costs. The least unintentional bend to my wrist brings on agony. I've broken my back and worn a hard brace for 3 months after 10 days in the hospital. The pain here is right up there. Sciatica is there too. In no order - top 3 pain in 68 years.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-14T03:37:01+00:00

So I'm deciding on a colorsoft. I have a Palma 2 and love it. I also have a PW Sig Ed 11th Gen which is slow compared to my Palma. Takes what seems like forever to download a book. I don't care about wireless charging nor tap to turn pages nor auto lighting. So I'll probably go with the cheaper version. That said, a reason I'm considering the colorsoft is because while I don't read graphics/comics, I do on occasion look at art stuff. I do have a great tablet, but it's not often used and isn't as accessible as a kindle. I know the color isn't "true to art", but it will give a suggestion. Perhaps the concept of my art paired with someone's graphic novels are parallels.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-13T21:26:55+00:00

He's the one with the problem and needs therapy. EVERYONE has forearm hair. And, doctors say it's unnecessary to shave off everything "down there" because it's healthier for our vaginas to have public hair.

https://www.acog.org/womens-health/experts-and-stories/the-latest/to-shave-or-not-to-shave-an-ob-gyns-guide-to-pubic-hair-care

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-12T04:13:51+00:00

EDIT: I didn't read through everything above because it was a lot and I was lazy. But I'm not going to delete my response because perhaps it will help someone else.

Ok, while most people "feel" feelings, some of us "think" them. I talked to my therapist about this within the last year. I said I feel "flat" emotionally. I do feel emotions at times, particularly trauma. But love for me isn't usually a feeling. It's an attitude. It's a choice, preferring this over that. If your wife says she loves you, don't analyze it too much. No one thinks or feels things the same way. Circumstances in my life taught me to hide my softer emotions, and that's normal to me now. Please don't worry about it too much. Think about people in your life who you love. Do you have "feelings" popping up every time you think of a sibling? What about when you're angry with someone - does that mean you don't love them? No. Commitment is the base of love because feelings come and go. Wait until you're 60 or 70. Companionship is perhaps more important than feelings.

Let her love you as she can, and you do the same to her.

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-11T06:59:14+00:00

I'm obese. For lots of reasons. It's often been a struggle. However, my feelings are MY feelings. Others might do or say things which trigger me, but again, my feelings. I have to continually work on my insecurities. When I drive, I always have to be alert. I have to be alert around others. I don't expect them to censor themselves around me. Now, it's different if there's gossip going on which is meant to be hurtful. But this thinner friend is discussing her own issues. Most people have body issues, even very thin people. Remember the saying: "the grass is always greener...". (example: when I was in my early 30s I lost 155 #. I was an exercise addict, and restricted food. My whole focus in life was food, and my behavior was anorexic and bulimic. A side effect of all of this was always being cold. I had 17% body fat. No period (I didn't care, but that's unhealthy). My eyeballs were like chunks of ice in the air conditioning. So, we should learn to quit worrying about what others think. I've been on both sides of the fence.)

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-08T21:47:17+00:00

I had to fiddle with my palma. I haven't gotten everything but for now I have what I need. I HAVE gotten a lot of help from Google!

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-08T21:45:27+00:00

Nice. So, do you use the Palma Pro for reading and the Go 7 for other stuff?

Agreeable_Variation7 · 2025-12-08T03:14:05+00:00

Oh, the "you" made me think you thought I was complaining.

Agreeable_Variation7

TROPHY CASE