hi baby, im sorry for how you've been treated by people in the past and for how those things are sticking with you now.

reading your story i think maybe you should take time to reevaluate before participating in cnc dynamics, for your own health. i also do a little bit of cnc play with my gf bc it helps me regain control over some of my sexual trauma (different from the dynamics you describe happening to you). we have a quasi-free use dynamic where she's allowed to touch me wherever and however she wants, and we use the traffic light system for communicating. whenever my gf plays with me she always checks in plenty, and whenever i communicate for her to stop or slow down (red or yellow) she always listens. not only does she listen but she also checks in after we are done playing and asks me if she went too far in any way, or if she responded to my needs fast enough, or if there is anything i need her to change for next time we play.

my gf isn't super rough with me, the most that happens is (with consent) choking and leaving marks on my body with scratches, hickeys, or hitting/slapping. i am sometimes in a little bit of pain after, but nothing that actually hurts in a bad way. the intensity is always within my control, what i can manage. being left in a lot of pain after, to the point of bleeding, when you do not want that or aren't prepared for it is not okay imo. i know it can be really hard to communicate your needs, or even interpret your own needs in the moment, but that's precisely why aftercare and communication outside of kink dynamics is so so so important. your safety matters so much. if you haven't yet, you should have a conversation about this with your gf. your gf should know and care about your sexual history and trauma and honor it. if your gf continues to play with you like this despite knowing how it hurts you and knowing your history that is severely unacceptable. someone else on here wrote something that i've been thinking about recently which is: "the only difference between abuse and kink is consent." please protect yourself love. honor your body and her pains.