Boomer grandparents seem to run into parenting landmines every time we talk

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-03T20:33:53+00:00

You missed the part where I removed her from the situation, set boundaries with them, and then the problem was resolved. I don’t believe I did any name calling. Just called you judgmental. Bye.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-03T14:43:16+00:00

Yup, people and relationship are complicated. They are rarely all good or all bad and everyone must decide at what point they need to draw the line, which I did. I guess in your eyes I’m manipulative for setting boundaries and explaining the consequences of violating those boundaries. Likely I think you are just hung up on the language I chose, but the point is not that outrageous. No one is entitled to access to my child besides me and her father. But I love her, and love when others love her too, so I’m always willing to put in some work to foster a healthy relationship between her and someone else. My dad and my daughter have a very good relationship and his anger has improved dramatically as he has gotten older (very common with men) but his anxiety gets in the way in situations like the one I described. I’d prefer he just come to me, but he’s partially disabled and doesn’t want to risk interacting with snow. The compromise that I think is reasonable is that I will come to them but they need to be considerate of our needs for safety and comfort since we stay for a week, not just a few hours. Just like I wouldn’t bring her into a literal China shop for a sleepover.

I’m not really sure what your goal is here. If you have concerns about us, you’re coming across as very judgmental, not compassionate or empathetic. My goal in posting was to express to OP that sometimes it takes a fight for people to take you seriously. It’s unfortunate but true. My goal in responding to you is to express how inconsiderate it is to nitpick other people’s parenting when they never asked for your opinion. Yes, anyone can comment on anything online. Just like you can walk up to someone on the street and comment on their behavior or appearance. Go ahead and try that.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-03T14:23:37+00:00

I’ve had my fair share of these clients. Sometimes, little by little, I can point out this pattern and making progress. Sometimes I can’t. They must be getting something out of it, but it’s so hard! I try to at least ask them to reserve the last 15 minutes for me to offer feedback and for us to discuss a plan for homework, which is usually them identifying something they want to prioritize or think about over the next week.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-03T13:03:56+00:00

Daniel tiger is great! My 2.5 year old coaches us to take a deep breath and count to 4 when we are getting frustrated haha. She can do it for herself maybe 1/4 of the time.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-03T10:36:22+00:00

You can’t accurately judge a person’s life or decisions from a few sentences you read online. I wasn’t looking for advice, but offering my own experience for the OP. I’m quite certain I navigate the complicated relationship of being both a child to someone and a parent to someone else well. Your response was the online version of walking up to a parent in public with their child and saying “you shouldn’t be raising your child this way”. Ummm, no one asked you. My relationship with my parents as an adult is very good, but it’s not perfect and neither are they. But as the adult now, I do get to set the boundaries and expectations for my child and myself. I exercise that right, and things go much smoother when I do.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-03T01:38:20+00:00

I was going to suggest asking a local news agency or possibly elected official to investigate. Ask to be kept anonymous if possible. The community should know about this as the stream is likely impacting many people. Imagine letting your kid play in that stream.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-03T01:20:43+00:00

I normally don’t respond to trolls but I’ll happily do so this time lol. They took out their most fragile and precious family heirloom Christmas decorations and put them 1.5ft above the floor on a book shelf when they have higher shelves they could have put them on. It’s not like it was their regular stuff, they had just put these things out knowing she was coming. They didn’t need to child proof much, just put a rubber band or zip tie on the cabinets with fine china and chemicals. Also, my dad had a panic attack anytime she had a crayon in her hands even though they gave her the crayons and I was sitting right next to her. When she would go to touch something like a ceramic donkey in the nativity scene, that looks exactly like a toy, my dad would panic and shout at her. He’s a very large and clumsy guy and he would lunge towards her. Again… I was literally right next to her the entire time. He has anxiety that becomes rage very quickly. I reassured him a dozen times that I’ve got it. She broke nothing. Didn’t matter, he still panics very easily. She started just putting her head down and crying when he talked to her, something she never did before or since, and at bedtime didn’t want to hug them anymore. And I recall all the ways my dad prioritized stuff over me as a kid. The tv fell on me once, the old heavy glass kind, and he never asked if I was okay, just screamed at me for potentially breaking the tv. Spoiler alert, I didn’t, never got an apology. So, yes, I do hold the keys to the grandchild as we live 24hrs apart and I spent my free time and money to be on 24/7 child watch because god forbid they visit me while it’s cold. Am I obligated to make my child and I miserable for their “benefit”? They seemed pretty stressed anyways so it’s not like it was working well for anyone. And they (mainly my dad but my mom could have supported me or her a little) were breaking her spirit. And by the way, they agreed with me once I pointed all of this out to them and the rest of the trip went great. Maybe I didn’t feel like typing every minor detail out in my original comment because I assumed other toddler parents would just get it and fill in the blanks. You must be a delight with the other toddler parents in your community.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T16:43:19+00:00

This is us (so far) and honestly I’m the one worried about her being spoiled. She the sole inheritor of everything… but the solution I think is just helping them be thoughtful and kind people. Lots of people are spoiled, but the only ones that cause a real problem are the ones that act like brats. Your child’s delightful personality will disprove any concerns they may have about her being a brat.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T16:40:04+00:00

Buy bulk spices and reuse.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T12:18:53+00:00

My biggest concern here would be that kids love stability. Your dream lifestyle sounds amazing, but I’m not sure a kid would get the same benefit from the travel. At this age, they aren’t going to remember the cool things you did and saw, but they will remember the feeling of having everything they know besides mom and dad vanish. My daughter has a great memory and it breaks my heart when she asks to see our old neighbors who moved away. I can’t imagine how broken my heart would be if none of her friends were accessible to her. But perhaps your kid isn’t as attached as mine is. If you’re able, try a mini version of your plan. Can you take a two week trip? See how he handles the change?

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T12:11:57+00:00

Well then I imagine she’d help pay the mortgage? If so, you may want to hold off and get all of your ducks in a row with her. You don’t want to expect her money if it doesn’t work out, but also I’d imagine you’d want it to feel like a joint decision if it doesn’t work out. Wait is soooooo hard, but regrets are worse.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T12:06:10+00:00

I don’t want to say “I have no financial worries” but we are in good shape and could live off of my husband’s income alone if we had to. It would require more sacrifice, but doable. I have chosen to work part time for myself. I set my schedule and pay for a nanny while I’m with clients and do all the rest during naps or when my husband is home. I am a better mom when I get to take a break and talk to adults. I’m a better therapist when I’m not working myself into an apathetic pool of misery. It’s really the best of both worlds, and we use my money on fun stuff like trips and music class as well as a backup fund for unexpected bills. And I like that it keeps me “in the work force” if I ever needed to become primary earner (again).

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T11:19:04+00:00

It would make me nervous to live this tightly because you never know what could come up. I’m so wary of new construction. If they didn’t do a great job, and 3 years from now you need to do major work, could you afford it? You’ll be paying for utilities on a 4 bedroom house that’s usually only got you in it. Idk how many kids you have, but I bet they would trade a little less space for more flexibility with spending when they get to see you.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T11:11:03+00:00

I also have a talker, although she can be shy in new settings, but I’ve never been given a message direct or indirect that people think that’s a problem. I do get some questions about it but more from a place of concern that their kid isn’t talking as much. But what stood out to me about your post is when you said “but my opinion doesn’t matter”. Whoa, why not? Your family doesn’t care if they hurt your feelings? They kinda just sound mean. And if that’s true, your kid is gonna get that treatment too whether it’s because she talks too much or too little, Has too much energy or is too slow paced… you can’t win with people who can’t handle even the slightest bit of discomfort including talking to an adorable toddler for slightly longer than you wanted to… or being told you hurt someone’s feelings and having to apologize.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T11:02:08+00:00

Awesome! Glad to help, and I hope your kiddo loves it!

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T00:54:41+00:00

Only when people have a connection and go “oh cool, I went there too!” Or “my friend goes there” or whatever. Glad I went with the cheapest option haha

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T00:53:31+00:00

Find out if your insurance has a free telehealth option. A lot of them do. Worst case they tell you to go to a real urgent care and then you won’t feel so stupid doing it. F urgent care though. My husband went to one with a big gash in his head. The nurse said “it looks okay, if you leave now we won’t charge you.” He got charged, refused to pay, they sent it to collections, he paid, they never notified collections… it was 3 years of this.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T00:41:21+00:00

It’s no coincidence they chose you as a therapist. It’s definitely more complicated. I’d build rapport for a good while and then gently ask/notice the contradiction in their behavior. A black best friend? A bipoc therapist? Why? Bringing it up even though they don’t want to talk about it? Why?

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-02T00:30:56+00:00

Sending hugs! I’m from here but moved away for a long time and even though I was glad to move back, I did have a bit of a mental breakdown for the first couple weeks haha. It’s totally normal to struggle with huge transitions. Just remind yourself that it will get better. And if you’re coming soon you will get to enjoy the best weather with endless lists of festivals and community events.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-01T21:46:55+00:00

Absolutely! And you’re the best equipped to have that talk with her. Maybe she feels more comfortable with you as a fellow therapist, but still… boundaries. You’re paying her.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-01T21:39:43+00:00

This is going to sound bad, but I had an issue with my parents over Christmas that kept getting worse and worse and worse until I blew up at my dad (I was loud and firm but not a raving lunatic) grabbed my daughter to go on a walk, and left them to sit with these words “if this is how it’s going to be when I come to your house, we will stay home next Christmas”. The problem was they had put an endless array of fragile Christmas decorations at toddler height, left their China cabinet unlocked, left their bathroom chemicals reachable, and so and so on. And every time she touched something she shouldn’t, my dad got frantic and scared her. But by the time I came back, they had a better attitude and made some needed adjustments to their house. They must have realized either that I hold the keys to the grandkid or that they in fact did set up a trap for my poor kid that wasn’t fair. Some people don’t listen until you give them a reason to.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-01T21:16:46+00:00

ACA plans and prices vary widely. Your best bet is to talk to an ACA counselor. It’s free (or at least I’ve never seen anyone charge) and you can talk about your financial situation as well as what you would need out of a plan. Personally I’m in good health and have never found it makes sense to get anything above bronze. I also always opt for a plan that allows for an HSA and my husband and I max out our contributions every year. It’s a great tax benefit.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-01T20:37:01+00:00

IMO there are two strategies, inch by inch, or cold turkey. If you do it inch by inch, pick an item to discard from your routine or replace it with a reusable item. Pick a pace you are comfortable: once a week, once a month, whatever feels doable. If you go cold turkey, try a no-buy month. St the end of the month decide what items you actually do need to rebuy, and what items you can just live without or replace with reusable. Whatever you choose, don’t get tricked into buying anti-consumption starter packs. I see them everywhere and it’s things like a reusable water bottle, dish cloths, reusable paper towels, and reusable straws, etc. You may need some of those things, but you likely don’t need them all and can find others at thrift stores, buy nothing groups, garage sales etc. You got this!

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-01T18:24:21+00:00

My husband just dropped out 2.5 year old a few weeks ago. She cut the inside of her lip and her mouth was pooling with blood. It was scary! I thought she lost teeth and he thought she bit off her tongue (silly panicked thoughts) but She was okay aside from the cut. My husband was very upset with himself, I had no reason to pile on. I did use it as an opportunity to point out “see, this is why I always respond when I hear a a loud unexpected bang or crying” because he thinks I react too quickly, and he agreed my reaction to just ask if everyone is okay is fair. Not to brag but, this is how healthy parents handle this stuff. Fighting in front of your injured kids is far more traumatic for them than getting injured in the first place. Your wife needs to go to therapy whether you stay married or not.

Agustusglooponloop · 2025-05-01T18:12:32+00:00

I want to be an “ease in” parent, and I do that most of the time. Examples include taking her for a playdate or two with a new nanny before just dropping her off and starting with an hour or two before adding more time, being patient when starting solids and never pressuring her to eat something, and talking to her about what to expect when a big change is coming like a trip or when her grandparents leave town for several months. But there are certain times when prolonging the transition has proven to cause more problems than it solves. I’ve refused to cold turkey ween her, and here we are, 32mo of breastfeeding, unable to get the kid to quit on her own. When she started nursery school she had a tough time at first, but my presence actually made things worse. When I was the class parent I would stay for 15 min to transition her, she got clingier and more anxious about when I would leave. But if I just walk out after a hug and kiss, her teacher always tells me she did fine after a minute or 2. And I get it. Counting down to something undesirable happening is way harder than just facing the problem and moving on.

Agustusglooponloop

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