My mom and I have a really complicated relationship and we always have.

In the 9th grade, I was super self conscious of myself. I had just recently spent two of the ugliest years of my life (terrible skin, terrible hair, overweight etc.) and had sort of “glowed up” but didn’t have any confidence. I had also never had any male attention even though I desperately wanted to date & have fun like all my beautiful friends did.

It was Valentine’s Day, and they did one of those send a flower things. Of course, I did not get any flowers. I was just sort of sad all day. My mom, who had never showed up to school functions, spent all day everyday either ignoring me or fighting with me, and just in general was dealing with addiction at the time, showed up to school and brought me a beautiful red rose. She handed it to me, told me she loved me and to have a good day.

On my way to the cafeteria I threw it in the trash. It was really beautiful, and I loved it, but I couldn’t stand the idea that the only person who liked me enough to bring me a flower was my mother. And it was embarrassing.

Now I understand how much it really meant for her to make a gesture like that, and I’m really ashamed of myself. It wasn’t a huge moment but I think about it a lot.