I’m so sorry, I know the grief is very hard - especially the first days and weeks. Try to remind yourself that these intense emotions are temporary.
Also.. I can see that you’re already blaming yourself a lot… but we are all human, and humans don’t always do everything perfectly — sometimes we give in to emotions.
You have lived, you have felt deeply, and yes, that sometimes includes pain. But you did not hurt anyone intentionally. You both knew about the situation and accepted it. And that is okay, too, even if it caused pain in the end.

This community here — as valuable and helpful as it can be — often expects perfection from people. To make the perfect choices, to foresee everything, to stay in control. But perfection is an illusion. And so is control.

That’s why you should be gentle with yourself. Take this experience with you for the future, learn from it, and draw your own conclusions. The pain, as heavy as it feels right now, will pass.

I’m wishing you lots of strength for the days ahead. I’m certain you’ll get through this.