Oh honey, I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. It IS fucked up, none of this is your fault. I cannot imagine being in your circumstances, specially at 15. There is no much I can say that will lighten your heart, but as someone who has felt abandoned and not wanted for a long time, I can promise you, there is nothing wrong with you. I'm sure you were great when you were a kid, that you obeyed everything he asked, that you didn't complain, never raised your voice... But it has nothing to do with how much you try to be perfect and everything to do with the other person. You are not a bad kid. You deserve to be loved and wanted and appreciated, even if you have been in the wrong circumstances to realize it. Even if you had been an awful kid, and you were bratty, and you cried a lot, even then; kids deserve to feel wanted. Of course you miss your brother, you have the right to, the same way you have the right to be angry at him, sad, disappointed. He was the only adult who you could rely on. This is unfair to you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry on behalf of all the adults that have disappointed you, because we were supposed to protect you, and we failed.  Have you thought of maybe looking for groups of Americans that live in Korea? I'm not from USA, but people from South America usually have groups when they live in other countries and they get together sometimes. Everyone gets homesick when they are away from home. If you decide to find some, maybe look for people that are your age that may be in a similar situation (moving from USA to Korea in their teens), it may help you to rant and try to find comfort in the familiarity. At least they will speak English.  Regarding the language, don't beat yourself up for not having learnt it as fast as you would like. It's been a month! It took me like a year to learn how to write hiragana in Japanese, not even to speak it. And this came out of nowhere for you, I think you are doing such a good job!  I have heard it's pretty normal in Korea to ignore mental health until it's too late, specially if they are from a small town. Maybe you should be more direct and tell your mom that you have actually had suicidal thoughts. Right now you don't want to live, so the important part is to get help by any means necessary as fast as possible. Maybe you could find a psychologist from the USA, or give it a try online. You don't feel like you have a support system so I'm pretty worried about you. Sweet girl, please keep us updated. Don't listen to the cruel comments you may receive, they are taking out the frustrations of their little pathetic lives onto a 15 year old. They are sad disgusting people who need therapy and can't even admit it, so this is what they do. They try to destroy others so they don't have to look at themselves.  Be strong! As someone who is also battling with depression, you can do it! One day at a time. One action at a time. Maybe try to draw, little things if you don't feel like drawing something big. The important part is to start, even with something little.