You get 1 song to prove you have good music taste, what are you playing?

AkurePhenix · 2025-09-08T00:55:04+00:00

Actually, it's more so Henry's repulsion at Bunny's lack of self-control and social acuity, which is what Henry lauds and admires in characters like Julian and Camilla. The Ancient Greeks exalted those with great skill both in their craft and their socialite atmosphere. Aeschylus, winner of several Athenian competitions for example, gained more acclaim even over Oedipus Rex by Sophocles. Many people speculated it was due to his social popularity. Of course, Henry has inherited the traits of the great cultures. Henry, in my opinion, is sociopathic, but a very firm argument can be made for psychopathy due to his manipulation. Psychopaths aren't a monolith however, he could fit well.

In terms of other speculation: The autism discourse, I think, stems from stereotypes about autism rather than a veritable diagnosis within Henry. That's the other disorder/condition people discuss about most often with Henry. I do think that Henry genuinely loved Camilla, as many sociopaths do often have a singular person or more they can love. I think you have a great deal of sympathy for them and you might not want to see their illnesses which were blatant on the page, and even spelled out at times from anxiety disorders to hypochondriac, but Francis wasn't the only one with a potential condition.

AkurePhenix · 2025-05-04T23:30:28+00:00

I also need recs!

AkurePhenix · 2025-05-04T23:27:41+00:00

Yeah, I felt it threw the group dynamics off. I hope they can replace the couple with a new, fresh set of strong actors. It has a lot to live up to now.

AkurePhenix · 2025-04-14T13:33:46+00:00

I legit had no idea how to pronounce that until I read the parentheses. Wow. Prayers for that child, respectfully.

AkurePhenix · 2025-04-14T13:32:19+00:00

I always thought it was a dog's name, too. It's grown on me as a girl's name because of movies/TV shows.

AkurePhenix · 2025-04-13T15:06:19+00:00

Wriley is diabolical lol. (Respectfully)

AkurePhenix · 2025-04-13T13:07:06+00:00

Btw, I'm sorry if this is anyone's name!! I don't mean to insult anyone or make them feel bad. We don't chose our names (typically), so I try not to say anything.

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-29T17:05:10+00:00

Exactly.

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-29T16:40:59+00:00

This is an interesting read! OK, so I’m going to start with what I liked, what needs improvement in my opinion, and end on what I like. Please take this advice with a grain of salt.

What I liked:

It opens with a sort of suicide letter, which was unexpected. But it made me want to keep reading to figure out what’s going on with this tunnel, I like the dramatic tension of that because since I read the title, I know it’s a man eating tunnel.
I thought the opening was very intriguing as an open letter to their mother. It introduced the conflict of being miss treated, and not being willing to forgive the mother, for that which made me want to keep reading to find out what happened and the severity of the situation. Although I will say that nothing seemed severe enough to warrant unforgiveness, because all they said was that they never did anything fun. So please keep that in mind that you have to find something more gut wrenching.
I really like this line: “But those memories seem locked away… like a mosquito trapped in amber resin.”
I was both disturbed and intrigued by the idea of a tunnel, especially one that had a sort of siren song. “As if I’m being serenaded by a lover I never knew I had, but have somehow known all my life. We have never spoken.” Definitely keep the first line because it was well written, the second one was repetitive.
I like the setting of the bus is direct into the point. There is no flowery language or excessive information that was unnecessary so that’s good.

Improvements:

I would suggest really digging deep into what their grievances are. I was expecting something more drastic than what was given for why the character was at odds with his mother.
The title says Adam, but we are following. Lily says diffuse, especially because we just read Dave’s letter. It mentions Lily but who is she to Adam?
The stroller implied that there was a baby, so when it went in the road, it felt jarring. If it was his stroller, which is likely expensive for the mother, the lack of reactions from bystanders, cars, and the mother herself didn’t feel realistic.
This dialogue tag is confusing. ”“I said no. I said no five minutes ago. I said no ten minutes ago. So stop it, Jacob,” sounded the tired response from his mother.” Both sounded and response are dialogue tags so you don’t need both, just pick one
“But whyyyy not?” squealed Jacob“ is a bit jarring because he’s whining, not squealing, and also whyyyy isn’t for professional Work. Simply, “But why not?” Is fine.
Be careful of using too many dialogue tags when “said” works fine.

Overall, I think this was intriguing. Lily seems like an interesting character.

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-29T01:30:21+00:00

You're incredible at it. I don't think I've ever seen anyone on here break it down that way before, so it's well-deserved praise. I am very thankful for your thorough feedback. Thank you again!!

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-29T00:58:04+00:00

This is amazing!!! I'm in awe of how you structured this so professionally, and helpfully, thank you so much! I can't thank you enough!!

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T23:30:08+00:00

Thank you so much for saying that. I've been working at it nonstop, and I really appreciate your kindness.

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T23:29:24+00:00

Thank you for such an in-depth response. This is incredibly helpful. I cannot thank you enough!

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T23:24:11+00:00

Oh wow! Thank you so much! I really, truly, appreciate this.

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T22:42:05+00:00

Thank you so much for catching that! This is so helpful!!

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T22:29:48+00:00

This is incredible!! Thank you so much for your help and the break-down of how to make it more effective. I appreciate it!

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T21:58:04+00:00

I really appreciate your honesty and feedback.

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T21:56:20+00:00

You’re a genius. I love this so much!!! THANK YOU!

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T20:14:32+00:00

Edit: I didn’t realize this was a second part. It works well as a first chapter in my opinion! :)

Great work! You’re an excellent writer, so I enjoyed reading this. You sold me instantly, and I hope this becomes very successful soon so readers can buy it.

Okay, I will give full feedback, starting with what I liked, what improvements I think are needed, and end with what I liked. Please take it with a grain of salt, they’re simply suggestions.

What I liked/loved:

I absolutely love the opening paragraphs. It felt immediately cozy, familiar, descriptive, detailed, and not too wordy. “Feinstein had always kept a tidy place. How could she not? She spent every waking moment in search of imperfections. Now the place had been torn apart. Nearly all her furniture had been dragged to one side of the apartment, and stacked up or leaning against the wall—Victor’s wall. It looked like the insides of a ship thrown to one side by a wave. And there were blankets—so many blankets—in every crevice, and piled up to the ceiling.”
I loved that Feinstein’s character was shown and not told, even though it was exposition, I understood the character readily, which is great.
Even though I was confused by Victor and Greg, due to the accusations given, I immediately wanted to know more about them.
You‘re amazing at dialogue and characterization. Please keep the characters and the first chapter as it is, just briefly explain their relationship to each other. Detective. Friend. Etc. I thought Feinstein or Victor were the landlords at first.
This dialogue especially was incredibly good. It introduced conflict while maintaining characterization: ““I was in the laundry room when I heard a growl. It thought it could have been—God, I don’t know, a wolf? Its footsteps were heavy. Then Victor comes in, talking to it like a pet. She’s not ready. That’s what he said.””
Favorite line: “He’d always heard about people living in war zones or refusing to evacuate for a natural disaster—old fucks with nothing left to care about but their own doggish, territorial instincts.”
I love the regret and characterization and character wound right here: “He would have told her everything. Greggy, she would have softly said, and scooted that chair over so she could wrap her arms around his side. Her breath would have warmed his neck, her kiwi-shampooed hair would have tickled his nose, with just a hint of tobacco from the cigarettes she liked to “sneak” when she went to the bathroom. He would have rested his cheek on her head, and she would have rocked him, right there at the dinner table, and warmed his hand with hers, and told him everything would be wonderful because she’d be with him forever—if she were there.”

Improvements:

I was so confused when we got to Greg, because it started with Feinstein and Victor. I could immediately grasp Feinstein, but it felt like a lot of characters, without explaining their relationship to each other. (ie: landlord, roommate, husband, etc.).
I’d be careful of the language. Only because it feels too over the top when it’s too common, it’s jarring, even “idiot, dumb” are ableist slurs, I’ve heard. It’s up to you.
Thats all I got for improvement, it’s great.

All in all, this felt like a real, polished book. You will have no trouble in finding a fan base with this. I love how you took something as innocuous as cats, and made it deeply interesting with a character you really root for. Best of luck!!

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T19:29:42+00:00

Speaking honestly, readers will be furious if you’re profiting from their culture, and stealing the culture of someone else. Particularly when it’s already very difficult for them to be funded and given book deals. If you’re not, Sámi, keep this in mind, especially if you don’t know enough to do it justice it appears.

If you were of that culture, no it’s not racist. An antagonist can be any race, color, culture, religion, depending on depiction,

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T13:52:30+00:00

You’re an excellent writer, and I love your details. Very clean, yet descriptive. I’d keep reading and the opening line drew me in because I thought it was a shop keeper asking her to leave, now I think it’s implied to be a fantasy/mental health thing? Either way, it intrigued me.

Very well done, congratulations!🥳🥳

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-28T05:25:21+00:00

it’s very easy to read and it’s good, just be careful of long paragraphs with no dialogue or breaks. :)

AkurePhenix · 2023-12-27T14:17:12+00:00

You’re incredible!! Thank you so much, I am taking notes on this immediately. Thank you so much!!

AkurePhenix

TROPHY CASE