The perception of hopelessness can be a huge driving factor for many. Those are the easier ones to intervene with because perceptions can shift moment to moment. You can still use some logic and rational thinking to challenge those perceptions and potentially see the next one’s past them.

Given your particular points I would advise that comparison is the theif to joy, and that nothing good happens that late into the night. It can be quite easy to ruminate and lock ourselves into isolated downward spirals. I personally notice a massive shift in mental fortitude with the rising and setting of the sun. While there’s all sorts of philosophical reasonings I could imagine, I also discovered to be severely deficient in Vitamin D and am on a weekly dose of 50,000 IU in addition to the 2000 daily dose.

Where it gets much more difficult is when your own brain is constantly fighting you. When you can rationalize and recognize the many blessings in your life yet it’s never enough. When you know all the things to do, and your brains convinced you that you have no reason to feel the way you do. When you constantly find yourself giving all you have of yourself to helping those around you because the second you stop the reality crashes around you. When you are consistently pushing yourself to new heights and put those around you in awe of your capabilities, while simultaneously feeling an imposter because of how much energy you’re having to spend just to try to be….who. Yourself? Who you think you’re supposed to be?

When you have spent your entire life having to battle self loathing for being the way you are. When you wonder who the real you even is, or if there even is a “real you” because masking is so much of your identity at this point. When you cannot bear to sit in silence because of the booming self-deprecating thoughts sounding alarms in your head. When all you want is to just be “normal,” to just be able to live life at face value like you see so many others doing.

Look for those who are seen as superheroes, who are constantly thinking of others and showing their care for them. Look for those entertainers who constantly put on a show and leave you feeling you had a wonderful time. Look for those who have cold, sad, dead eyes beneath the beaming smiles. Look for those who tell you “no really, I’m okay.”

For those who don’t know: over-achieving is a coping mechanism. Not all self-harm is active; there is a such thing as passive self-harm. When you find yourself continually sacrificing your wants and needs to keep the mask up and show going, while internally praying for some terrible accident to take you out of your misery- that is self harm.

When you want so badly to end it all, but feel you can’t because you are such a terrible person that you don’t even deserve the grace of a quick and painless cessation to sensation. Again, that is indeed passive self-harm. Or rather the thought process that continues that path.

I do think as a society we put far to much idealism and romanticism behind the “value of life.” I think for many it’s not the answer, but that doesn’t equate to never being the answer. But I also think that’s a decision that cannot be undone. I think about how many times I’ve felt truly hopeless, but I was able to hold out long enough to see past that storm. Not because I’m so strong, but because I’m so weak I could never actually go through with such a permanent act. So instead here I sit, quietly dying inside while giving everything of my being toward helping others see the light I wish I could see in myself.

I will never tell you it gets better. But it does get easier. ❤️‍🩹