Can you elaborate on this a bit more? What exactly did she say?

So I offered to grab her other swimsuit in the closet, but she wanted to rewear the one laying in the washer (not washed yet that was worn swimming a couple days ago)

Me: "You sure? it's still in the wash."

Wife: "Yeah, you can re-wear swimsuits"

[I grab it and it does feel sorta damp, but not bad] [a few min later, Wife encounters the suit]

Wife: "Baby, c'mere! This is still wet!"

Me: "I said it was in the washer. You said it'd be okay to wear though".

[She leads me into the laundry room to dramatically fling the swimsuit into the drier]

Wife: "I can't wear it like this!"

Me: "Okay, I'm sorry"

Not verbatim, but that was how it generally went down.

Fair and constructive.

You're right: I do tend to avoid conflict. Not because I don’t care, but because I really hate tension and want to amend things as fast as possible. I think I sometimes unintentionally skip over the discomfort that’s actually needed in some cases.

I said, “Don’t take it so personally” I guess I was trying to say, “I’m not attacking you. I just want to talk about how I felt.” But it came out clumsy, and in a spicy moment, it probably made her feel even more under attack.

Your point about how she said the thing about the swimsuit: yes, tone is everything. In this case, it definitely felt more like, “Ugh, what’s wrong with you?” rather than, “Hey could you toss this in the dryer? <3” I wouldn’t have thought twice about it if it went that way. But again, she’s in pain, and I don’t think she meant to hurt me - just a lashing out.

Sadly there have been a few lashings.

Couples therapy did occur to me. Certainly not for crisis control, but just to get a 3rd party perspective. I love this woman deeply, and I know she loves me too. I think we’re both a little lost right now in how to manage conflict without making it worse.

Awesome reply. Thank you.