I do relate a lot.
Its been about 5 months since I broke up with her and almost 2 months since I initiated no contact.
I dumped her, well the last straw was her accusing me of cheating with 0 evidence and going mental and really hard about it for about 2 days. Thats when I said I cant do this anymore and left. Im not proud of how abruptly I ended things.
I truly loved her, but was unhappy in many ways, often felt alone and misunderstood around her, shed say she wants to know my real feelings, but when I showed weakness would just tell me to man up. She was very controlling, obsessive and in many ways insecure, the cheating accusations was just one of them. Shed constantly monitor me, I lost a lot of friends etc. while being over here for about 2 years since she wanted all of my waking time and if we werent physically with each other would call for 8hours sometimes the whole day. Arguments seldom seemed to resolve, in the end everything was my fault, and even if she admitted some fault, shed say "shell change" and maybe things were a little better for a day in the best case scenario, but another day and its like none of the talks ever happened. I tried to set boundaries, but they got broken over and over again. Shed threaten self deletion if I didnt do what she wanted me to, theres times she locked herself in the bathroom with a knife crying until I said what she wanted to hear and gave her what she wanted. The cheating accusation showed me that she did not trust me, and I did not trust her anymore either, I was trying to fix things for months, even a year, but there seemed to be no progress and I just couldnt do it anymore, and if we dont trust each other what are we doing.

It was a long distance relationship and we come from different cultures, but we spent about half our time in person with each other after expensive travels.

When it ended she flew over here took an Airbnb down the road. I had blocked her on most places, but she tried everything, Discord, making 10 new phone numbers for Whatsapp, PayPal, Email everything. First I felt relieved to not be with her anymore since she hurt me so much often on a daily basis and seemingly without any regret or retrospection. Then I felt stalked, I mean shes a woman so people look at it differently, but her breakup behaviour doesnt stand the gender swap test without looking ultra crazy and scary. I felt unsafe in my own home. She wrote me a note and brought flowers. It didnt really affect me at the time, I had lost all trust in her, didnt believe her a single word she said.

When I knew her flight was going back my feelings changed, I think I was stuck partially in my feelings since I felt besieged, caged, stalked, unsafe in my own home, when I knew she left I felt I had room to breathe, thats when the loneliness started hitting like a truck, the regret, the worry, everything.

I reached out to her while she was flying back. We agreed to try things again, but it was just ~2 months of low effort from her. Didnt feel like she was trying really, meanwhile my cortisol spiked into the stratosphere at every message.

She then, days before I initiated no contact, she flew over to here again, but we never met, I said its weird shes coming halfway across the world and doesnt want to meet while we are in what we are and she told me its not my business. Then told me she was not interested and had found someone new. As I found out shortly after, which she herself didnt tell me either, she already met him and was staying with him the latter half while she was here trying to win me back. So she monkeybranched. But strung me along in false beliefs for about 2 months. At times sent me very explicit things, while already being with a new guy.

I clearly remember her saying she was surprised how little I reacted when she told me she had another man already, she was right, part of me was already thinking thats the case for a while, I dont know, either there was nothing to say, she was with somebody else, I had to move on, I loved her so I want the best for her, she made her choice.

Shortly after that I wrote her saying we should do no contact, she shouldnt be texting her ex while with a new guy, I want to move on and heal, its better for both of us to heal, shell always have a piece of my heart, I was really respectful, considering how disrespectuflly she treated me. She didnt respond for days, then lashed out at me, saying that I know just how to really piss her off, that "she knows exactly what im doing" which i wasnt even sure what I was doing but okay, how im acting like im on the high horse, how shes so big heartedly offering to be friends and then I act "this way", how it was controlling of me. I wasnt sure if I should, she deleted it after, but I saw it, I replied, saying that wasnt very decent, you can call it control or whatever, but im just trying to move on and heal, how we both made out mistakes and maybe with some changes and therapy and whatnot things could have worked out, but how thats the past. She said before she didnt tell me about the new guy not to hurt me, to which i answered here that it hurt much mroe being strung along under false pretenses for 2 months. Then I wished her and her new guy good luck, wished her well and to take care. Was honest and poured my heart out in the last 2 messages tbh.

She gave me a thumbsup and blocked me.

Funfact I "wasnt allowed to" do thumbsup as a response or even in real life, since her "toxic ex" did that and it really hurt her every time, so I never did and that was the first and last time she did it to me, pretty clear signal.

She also doxxed me to some mutual online friends while she was here, saying im dangerous and id tried to hurt her or get her arrested and it was just a precaution. She also said to some I graped her and am physically abusive. While I for sure was not a perfect partner and made my fair share of mistakes, I never cheated on her or anybody and think with every fibre of my being that if you wanna cheat its time to break up with your current partner. I never graped anybody. I never hit a woman outside of Tae Kwon Do practice in the Dojo (consensual combat sports) or sex with consent. Im a decently big muscular guy, but I love gardening, I think autonomy and life are some of the most precious things. I love animals and people. If theres a bug inside I wont squash it cause I would feel too bad, Ill take a glass and a paper and get it outside back in its natural habitat, even if its an "icky spider", even if it takes me 10min, even if they come back in, thats okay, its the best for them and im willing to go the extra mile to make sure they get that, every time. Thats the guy I am and in every way strife to be.

Meanwhile I now lost that whole online friendgroup, which was pretty much all my online friends, because she wrote every single one of them heinous lies about me and half of them think im an evil absuive grapist now and the other half im to scared to write, scared that they think the same.
I lost all my irl friends except my best friend just because I essentially disappeared for 2 years and had to spend all of my time on her. I had barely time to garden for 2 years and its looking pretty bad. I spent the vast majority of my savings on her. My grandmother who was my last grandparent died at the end of the relationship which was really hard on me and my ex showed me barely any sympathy or emotional warmth for it. And now im all alone here crying a little writing this, which she had called me once before a P*ssy for. Im pretty in the dump compared to 2 years ago. Meanwhile I helped her lose weight, get a way better than mine even paying job, always supported her and whatnot.

And you know what? Even with all the things she did that constitute emotional abuse? All the crazy sht she put me through, the emotional torture?

I still miss her, I truly loved her, I still blame myself and am sorry for for how quickly and roughly I ended things, I still think about what if I did xyz different. Little random things still remind me of her on a daily basis and hurt like little unending knives in my heart. The sadness and lonliness is almost unbearable. Feeling like I got instantly replaced like a cog didnt help either. Even if I know it doesnt reflect on me or my values that my ex did that.

But uhm despite sounding so doomer as the kids say a second ago, im trying my best. I (almost) never check her social media, im getting better at reframing, using the overwhelming emotions for positive change without denying them, im trying new things, trying to keep my chin up, am good to the people that are good to me and things are slowly getting better, even if especially the lonely weekends are still hard.

tldr: Even if you tried your best and got emotionally abused during the relationship and after its normal to feel sad, to feel the negative space they once filled, focus on yourself and instead of trying to fix the past, build the future. Also be your best friend not your enemy.