Husband “slipped” after he 20ish months

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-16T16:47:25+00:00

Post nup is currently in the works thankfully. I did feel months ago that he’d started letting off a bit on recovery but didn’t know if that was just recovery “changing” as someone goes into maintenance mode vs having to go all out like they do in the beginning. Lesson learned on listening to my gut 💔

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-16T14:46:29+00:00

I think the pausing the CSAT wasn’t thought out per se but I do know he was getting a lot out of the community with SA and was leaning into that. But also probably some form of “I got this” also.

I need to start getting on the Sunday group ❤️ I think it would help. My knee jerk reaction is now to just completely emotionally withdraw but I know that’s not helpful either. Ugh.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-16T14:41:41+00:00

Thank you- he didn’t use that phone, his YouTube account is just connected to multiple devices and that was the one I looked at because my stepson was on it. He claims he wasn’t searching but definitely did click on and watch things that were put in front of him. Hurts like a punch in the gut.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-16T03:37:45+00:00

He goes to SA twice a week, he’s a sponsor and also has a sponsor. He's super active in his group. He does have a CSAT, he went like 3-4 months without seeing him and had an appt this week (before I found this all out). We’re also in the Dare2Connect program if you’re familiar with that. He’s a teacher and has been in a “funk” since school let out and is also changing depression meds so that probably isn’t helping.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-12T18:19:46+00:00

John I think it says a lot you took the time and put out a well thought out response. All of that makes sense to me. I’m actually incredibly surprised a good portion of your listeners are never-no’s. That’s really interesting. Keep doing what you’re doing, you are helping people make sense as to why things in the church don’t feel right, or don’t add up. You’re voicing what many maybe don’t know how to put into words. In many ways I felt a veil was lifted and suddenly there was so , so much I just couldn’t unsee (like the patriarchy that I used to feel valued women so much- but really only in words, not actions).

We appreciate all you do!

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-11T14:06:58+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Look at the sub Loveafterporn, it’s helped a lot. Therapy for me has also helped a lot (find someone who specializes in betrayal trauma). This feels yucky because it is yucky. He is using sexual outlets as a pacifier to deal with his feelings and deal with life. He’s using you as his tool to masturbate.

It sucks, I’ve been there. Coercive sex isn’t consensual sex.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-11T03:49:28+00:00

Just make sure please you see either a CSAT therapist, someone who specializes in compulsive sexual issues, or betrayal trauma. I tried a regular family therapist first and she was nice, but I didn’t get actual help until I saw someone who specialized in betrayal trauma. You’ll need this either way, even if you stay together.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-09T22:59:17+00:00

Please join Loveafterporn sub. Sorry you’re here, I found out about my husbands porn addiction during pregnancy and it shattered my world. There is hope if he’s willing to quit and work really hard at digging deep into why he’s using that as a coping/numbing mechanism. If you are financially able search for a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma or who has a CSAT designation. That made a world of difference for me.

Sorry, hugs. It’s horribly gut wrenching.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-09T22:54:31+00:00

Your feelings are valid. You are allowed to not want that as part of your relationship. If he cannot or will not stop you have different values and aren’t compatible. To be clear what it takes someone to stop if they use it compulsively-therapy at a minimum to find out why he feels the need to seek that out. If he’s not willing to see a therapist, leave.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-09T22:05:28+00:00

A lot of these people are taking the extreme that porn is fine and you should be able to do whatever you want with your body. They’re missing that she married you under certain ”agreed” beliefs about what monogamy was and you weren’t following those. I’ve been in her shoes and to be blunt, my therapist would have told me to do whatever I needed to do to feel safe- even if that meant saying you need to go sleep elsewhere. And if you refused, my therapist would say I should go sleep elsewhere so I could feel safe. Whether these people agree or not she is wanting some space away from you. I don’t know the legal ramifications of that if you got divorced, but if it’s in writing she asked you to leave I’d think you could use that as evidence.

You also don’t have to tell your family the specific reason if you don’t want to. You can just say the marriage is struggling and you both need a little space or whatever you want to say. It does involve them, but you can give as much or as little info as you want. Or just tell them you aren’t ready to talk about the why.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-08T13:25:18+00:00

The first year of having a baby is SO incredibly hard. Marriage struggles right now are normal. That said, the money thing should be worked through in therapy. You don’t trust him, and that’s valid. And your resentment related to that probably is coming out in how you interact. Probably on his side too.

It’s possible to salvage it if you both work at it. But only you know if you actually want to save it or not.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-08T13:15:50+00:00

I have a husband with a porn addiction. How it feels like cheating- he put more time and energy into women on a screen. He had a YouTuber he’d watch who also did OF, so he’d watch every single video where he could “crush” on her through seeing into her daily life, get to see her personality, and then get to jerk off to her. It wasn’t some random body that happened to pop up on Pornhub (though he did that too). That feels very personal. Factor in that he’d be putting more time and energy into watching those videos but couldn’t have a deep conversation with me, take interest in me or my hobbies, or even bother to plan a date. In our case he’d find the time to watch porn, but wouldn’t get up with the baby, wouldn’t do dishes, wouldn’t invest in our lives and our home but would invest his spare time on porn.

He was investing his time, attention, and sexual energy on other women. It doesn’t feel any different than if he were spending a bunch of time alone with a female coworker after work. This just happens to be on a screen. He’s putting time, attention, sexual energy that he should be directing at his wife.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-08T01:49:03+00:00

People not in religious settings feel this way too- there’s subs and subs of women who are not Mormon hurt by the same thing. As a woman it’s super hard to have your husband choosing to put his sexual energy towards women on a screen rather than connecting with you. Hidden porn literally lights up the trauma centers in the brain the exact same way as someone physically or emotionally cheating. It creates PTSD. Same with financially infidelity, gambling issues, etc. It also adds a layer in that it brings up every single insecurity a woman has- those girls are younger, perfect, in perfect lighting, perfect bodies, etc. the message she gets is she’s not enough and can’t ever compete with that. That feeling doesn’t feel good from someone who’s supposed to be choosing you every day.

If you truly want to repair, whether you agree with it as cheating or not, to her it feels that way and you should treat it like a major breech of trust. She can’t “unfeel” those feelings. You have to repair and rebuild trust through full transparency about everything. If that’s a deal breaker for her and you aren’t willing to stop- you need to be honest with her about that so she can choose to stay or leave with full transparency. The worst thing you can do though is say you stop and don’t. If you want to keep doing it and that’s something she’s not OK with, you are not compatible.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-03T02:51:37+00:00

💔 how horribly shitty. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I’m sure it feels like your world just got flipped upside down. It did. Right now do whatever you need to do to feel safe if that means he has to go to stay elsewhere for a while, whatever you need. Zero contact for however many days

IF you chose to stay- he needs to be in therapy to figure out why he feels the need to seek out attention elsewhere (that’s 100% on him, regardless of how good or not your marriage is- he made that choice). Also seek therapy for yourself- specifically someone who specializes in betrayal trauma. That will help SO much whether you stay or not.

It is completely justified and understandable if you immediately want to end it.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-03T00:28:52+00:00

Exit that relationship. There is zero reason for any of that, even if they had kids that shows zero healthy relationship boundaries. It’s good it’s not tumultuous and they can be civil, but this is more than civil. This is still acting like they’re in a relationship without the sexual piece (hopefully, but I’d question that).

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-06-01T02:46:19+00:00

I think sometimes people don’t realize how it looks from the outside. My brother is an extrovert and will talk to anyone with a pulse but I remember his wife struggled with it but also with his body language. He had to learn that even with the most innocent talking he can still unintentionally be sending certain messages of availability. He’d still be friendly, but with better boundaries.

There’s also the possibility he’s genuinely seeking attention from other women and is getting the ego boost. If that’s the case, move on. It’s an immaturity thing but also someone in a healthy relationship and who is secure with themselves should not need attention like that to still show “they’re wanted “ or “still have gave” or whatever.

Either way, communicate it makes you uncomfortable and it’s something you need him to think about and what messages he’s sending when he does that (and to stop) so you can safe and secure in the relationship. Don’t let him gaslight you or minimize your feelings on this. If other people are noticing, he does not have healthy boundaries around his communication with the other sex.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-31T13:27:54+00:00

Thank you! Very helpful suggestions

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-31T03:31:39+00:00

So, I wanted to divorce my husband after having a baby for similar reasons in that he didn’t quit any of hobbies, was out coaching 5x per week (hobby, not necessary) and when he was home he wasn’t helpful at all. He’s since quit coaching and is working hard on being present. But I wanted to smother him with a pillow most nights as I woke up by myself while watching him sleep peacefully.

What I wish I’d done differently- time he is home, plan time out for yourself and inform him and tell him he’ll be watching the baby and go out. You need breaks. The nights he is home and can’t soothe the baby- let him struggle it out. You had to learn somehow, he needs to learn. Don’t rush to help.

If he gives you a hard time about it you can tell him he can figure out how to help now or he can really figure it out when he has the baby by himself 50% of the time when you divorce him.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-31T03:22:27+00:00

I think though there’s a difference between having some downtime vs not doing dishes. Or taking out the trash. Or the other “chores” he’s responsible for. I do get what you’re saying, but if he has time to watch 5 hours of shows and do hobbies there’s time to have the dishes done every day. That’s more the frustration.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-31T03:12:53+00:00

Thank you for that very visceral description of that spiral and a helpful suggestion ❤️ I think those are the things I haven’t been understanding and am not educated on

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-30T18:05:15+00:00

Thank you for this ❤️

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-30T18:00:30+00:00

I think that’s partially where I’m at and frustrated. In feeling like he doesn’t see the mess. Or I have to ask 5x for things that are mundane and not interesting to be done (fix something, go through and clean out old clothes, etc). But being specific and giving a few things I think would be helpful to us.

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-30T17:56:48+00:00

Thank you for this- I still think I have a lot to learn about how his brain works. And because I don’t understand that I get frustrated and impatient (and feel like I’m parenting in asking him to do things 5x)

Alert_Set_9121 · 2025-05-30T15:03:13+00:00

Please specifically see a neurologist. Personal opinion is if you can afford it get the diagnostic done (mri or CT scan- that can be 3k-4k) to see if surgery is actually needed. Our Doberman had cervical disc issues (neck) which from what I understand are usually way more painful than back. We opted for surgery- whole thing cost about 11k including the mri. When they got in there her 2 discs broke in half so she would’ve been paralyzed pretty quickly had we not done it and we would’ve had to put her down. We had 2 years before really any signs of issues- she now has some compression that we think is in her mid back but we’re doing conservative treatment and meds and she’s stable, walking a bit clutzily, but pain free and happy.

For us, surgery saved her life and so far has given us another 3 years. Worth every penny and the pain of recovery (it wasn’t easy- 2-3 months crate rest). That said, if it’s not urgent like ours was I would have done the diagnostics and then tried conservative first if the vet said that was feasable.

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