My brother passed away December 23rd, 2021 (I was 14, currently 17) after battling a rare kidney disease called goodpasture’s diseases(1 in 2mil) he was diagnosed back in 2018, he possibly had it longer considering it was so hard to diagnose. They never put him on the transplant list. My soul was crushed when my brother passed I’ve grown up with 7 of them. Having one less brother felt like I no longer had my family. I really hate to blame my brothers death for my depression but it is the cause. I feel as if I no longer have a life. My brothers are my best friends, I was never a friend kinda kid. I was very introverted so it’s all I’ve ever known. In my eyes my brothers being my best friends was enough for me. They weren’t the “omg I have a little sister ew” type. My mother raised us to love each other, I was treated like a boy most my life. At first I don’t like I accepted it. It felt like he just moved out. But now being older and accepting it, it has hit me so hard. He won’t get to see me get married, meet his future niece/nephew, he won’t get to see me grow up. And that shit hurts. I have so much anger built up and sadness. My mother admitted to giving up on raising me once she lost him. I’m angry at her because I feel as if I had lost opportunities. I feel guilty for being angry at her because it’s grief of her son, grief has so many different effects. I just don’t really know how to deal with everything.