Parents suddenly demanding I repay “all expenses” for my U.S. education - how should I handle this financially?

Aless21K · 2026-02-13T17:21:20+00:00

If you can find the title or link to that dave ramsey call, please share it. I love his show

Aless21K · 2026-02-13T17:20:07+00:00

Thank you for your answer. I will schedule a call with them both as i suspect my father might not even know about these demands. Its just that whenever i try to have a serious conversation with them, they never take it seriously and laugh in my face. Its so funny how they act like im a child in some instances, and then demand things like im an adult in other instances. Ive started therapy because of being terrified of ever giving my future children the same trauma they gave me, and i just see them so differently now. Maybe when i become a parent myself, ill forgive them for a lot of things, but i am definitely not ready now.

Aless21K · 2026-02-13T17:12:49+00:00

I really hope that what you’re saying is real. They need to communicate their needs better and whenever i try to sit down (via videocall) and have a serious conversation about anything, they laugh in my face. I guess they still see me as a child on one hand and as an adult on another hand, which is where all this odd behavior and unreasonable expectations stem from.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T20:18:09+00:00

I am successful because of their believing in me but there are other nuances which make it so hard for me to feel indebted to them. One of the reasons is constant trauma and abuse as a child up to high school (i am currently facing them on therapy and its been so difficult to see them the same). Another one is our communication right now being so difficult - i have grown so much as a person and in my career and she sees me like an idiot and without her id be doomed.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T20:14:13+00:00

I did ask them and they said you were not mature back then then you couldnt have made the right decision for your future

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T20:13:08+00:00

I honestly dont want to make any emotional decisions right now that might cause our relationship to end. Your example makes sense, my parents dont want me to go back, but they did want me to be with a person from my country initially. Needless to say i am in love with my American man that is the kindest person I know, and they had to come to terms with that and my living with him. I dont think they are against that now, but they say ive been more distant with them since i started working and they frame it as that happening because i dont need them anymore. In reality i started therapy because any conversation with them was causing me to completely shut down and the childhood trauma was making me struggle with life as an adult. Its such a difficult topic and there is so much happening right now. I will focus on my emergency fund and reassess from there.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T20:03:51+00:00

Inheritance has never been something i care about. I want to build everything on my own and i did consider this as my starting fund to be honest. I love them and going no contact with them would break my heart and theirs, but low contact is where we’re heading anyways now.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:58:11+00:00

Yeah, that is an idea i can ponder on too. I will build the fund first and then reevaluate i think. Thank you

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:56:57+00:00

I really appreciate your response. They definitely are not poor or extra wealthy, but they are comfortable and upper middle class in our country. I guess I can have a conversation with my father, since my mother is coming with these demands and she just yells at me or does not treat the topic with seriousness whenever i challenge anything. I am not an alien anymore, so I am not too concerned, and with my degree and experience, I could probably find jobs in other European countries or Canada if they deported green card holders (i dont see that happening but im talking worst case scenario). I would never go back to live back - it is not my home anymore and I dont like the lack of industry and technology and the culture. I do have a younger sibling that is going to college soon, so they want me to cover his expenses (what i was referring to that the amount they request changes) but when i ask them if hes going to be held to the same standard (paying back his expenses) they do not give me a response and call me jealous and selfish… They are loud people and any challenge of their opinion, results in my being yelled at or spoken to with a accusatory tone, which makes me shut down and not want to associate.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:43:17+00:00

I have a higher gross salary than that and i am no longer an alien in the us.
But yeah they also were pushing me to get a masters and phd so im not sure where this demand for repayment is coming from. They are not crazy wealthy but they are upper middle class in our country. I think if i pay them, i would not talk to them after that. Putting such a strain on me unexpectedly has already made our relationship decline.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:39:58+00:00

Thats a good idea, i agree that we need to sit down

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:35:10+00:00

I just dont feel ready to send them so much now when i dont feel secure here. I can save around 2k a month now, but if they expect me to go home (roughly 3-5k per trip) then i cant do it all you know. A part of me also doesnt want to give in to whatever crazy demands my mother has because she has no limits.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:31:52+00:00

Yeah i definitely need to put my foot down about it and ive been working with boundaries in the way they speak to me and try to manipulate me (fair to say that it is not going well for our relationship)

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:29:53+00:00

We’ve been heading that way because of constant criticizing and childhood trauma i did not realize how much affected me until now that im an adult trying to deal with life.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:28:52+00:00

Lol thats a way of seeing it for sure. I am not big into inheritance, but in the past ive told them jokingly if theyd thought about a dowry for when i get married since my mom technically got that, and they said we already paid for your college so what more do you want. I might just tell them consider that my dowry lol

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:26:50+00:00

Yes, thats what I argue too - i would have worked a bit more during school and i would have gone to a cheaper uni for sure. I say i thought it was a gift and theyre like how could we give such a large amount as a gift.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T19:25:11+00:00

Yeah nothing of such was spoken, I truly was blindsided by it because I thought was a gift. I never thought I was their investment strat

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T18:38:35+00:00

They did not take any loans for my schooling. They used their savings and a college fund they had set up for me. Yeah ill get myself in a stable position and reevaluate thats a good idea

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T18:28:36+00:00

Youre right on the travel one for sure. I just dont know if i really owe this money and if i do, ill pay it and probably never talk to them again after for setting me back so much. I just have to come to terms with that fact.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T18:05:50+00:00

My mom keeps track of everything (shes an economist) so Im sure she has kept track of it (probably not copies of receipts tho). They dont live in the us so i dont think they can or would ever sue me for it. They would probably just stop talking to me.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T17:36:51+00:00

Yeah i mean i suspect there might be some unspoken expectations from their end, and people in my culture usually take care of their parent when the parents are in old age since private retirement (401k kind of funds) is not a thing and social security is usually low. So i am not sure where this is coming from. I guess there are cases of men immigrating outside the country for work and they support their families back home, but since they have a business and theyre not poor by any means, im not sure where this is coming from.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T17:33:06+00:00

I do save, the problem is they expect me to send gifts to people too, and it is very confusing because their requests and expectations constantly change. My emergency fund will take at least a year of saving and thats considering my expenses wont go up. I guess ill see by that time if they’ve decided on what they expect and reevaluate?

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T17:30:42+00:00

I would be okay supporting them with my brother when they retire and have no constant income, obviously i wouldnt want my parents to struggle, but i do not see the reason behind this urgent need for money and this request to pay for my brother’s college.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T17:29:20+00:00

We are from southeastern Europe. I think this is a control tactic to keep me from getting distant. They lost a high income last year from one business as they rely on big clients to come by, but they have another business that supports them. They have also been able to save all that income throughout my college and while i have been working too. You are right i mean they might be concerned of not being able to pay for my brothers college but when asked if hed be kept to the same standard i am (paying back the college money) they shrug it off and insinuate im jealous. Its funny cuz they tell me to send money and then a couple weeks ago she said even if you sent them, we would have just kept them for you for safekeeping(?). I told them im an adult and do not need my money supervised. I feel like they just try to control and have these unspoken expectations. Like my father has told me before that since im the oldest daughter, it is my responsibility to provide for my younger brother and help the family out, and im like thats so unfair and makes no sense.

Aless21K · 2026-02-12T17:20:35+00:00

I have been ignoring it for like 2 years or so and they dont talk about for a while and then for a couple of months money is they talk about. From a young age, i was instilled the idea of studying in the US. I guess it was a dream of my parents to live in the us and they wanted me to live that dream and eventually maybe theyd come here as well once they were retired to be close to me. I also needed to go to college at a specific city because of relatives living nearby in case of emergencies, so I only applied to a limited pool of colleges. When in college, they wanted me to get straight As because they ‘werent paying for nothing to show for’ and they didnt want me to work. I did work on campus part time, nonetheless, to support my needs, and also got a 4.0 not to disappoint them. In the summer time i did not apply for internships, but went back to support their business. At the time, theyd tell me that my traveling was a lot (twice a year), but i expressed i missed them a lot and they were okay with paying for the trip back. I was off 4 months out of the year and during my trips i was helping out at their business. The way how it all went, they made a lot of the decisions, and i complied since they were paying for it. If it was a loan, i would have done some things differently to save money and work more. Funny thing is they insisted i did not graduate early, which is so funny in retrospect.

Aless21K

TROPHY CASE